build myself up tear myself apart?

My way of dealing with my Schizoaffective Disorder has been to try and be as self responsible as possible so

that I can "own" my life and be as healthy as possible in relationships with others and work life.

So I have deconstructed my life a lot. I try and tend to think about my place in the world first rather

than what my personal interests are.

Now I find I know I must advance and it must be a balance to find both one's place in the world - and what you/I want to achieve.

I 'freak' at finding my own direction.  I have bravery for other things - have had bravery in the past - but it was more

like I was unhinged. I have described it as being "like Carry Fisher on Acid"- but now I think

it's time to focus on the balance of pursuing my personal goals, and living responsibly in life. Making

a decision to take that goal on - and just having faith, reason and making plans for whatever result may come.

Choose a plan A or B and just start to live and not just live dutifully - but also live with some direction.

I don't know if that makes sense. I sometimes jump over details, so if you need more let me know.

I wish I came to this kind of resolution in my 20s but I still have time to do something with my time left.

I don't know if I am already asking for too much more by thinking I could live outside of this 'board and care.'

Maybe it's just time to keep living proudly here - saving money - and pursuing the goal of possibly finding work

through past colleagues from when I worked in the corporate world. Maybe instead of forging a completely new path for myself

it's better to follow the path that is most available to me.