brutal honesty from this point forward
I feel fucking horrible today. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster and since I carry the shame from my childhood- I hate myself for every single emotion that isn't pure bliss. Thanks dad! Thank u so much for screaming at me 24/7 for everything I do! Thanks a million.
Thanks for abusing me to the point of me going crazy just so I won't hurt YOU- 1000 percent of my efforts have been to not hurt YOU. Every fucking one. And u know what the worst part is- I never blamed u for anything and you repeatedly screamed at me and told me that I can't blame my entire life on u. You say u love me- well who the fuck am I? To u I'm still a dumb annoying child. Nothing I have ever done in my whole life was worthy of u not abusing me. That's all I ever wanted- just stop fucking criticizing me. But of course not, not me. Not for me. Like I'm just not good enough to not be talked to like a piece of shit. I fucking hate u so much for what u did to me. I don't want to live in a world where people like u fucking exist. Where people can just destroy lives and act like they've never done anything wrong. That's the part that gets me. Its not what u did- its that the abuse could have stopped when I moved out at 20. U could have just fucking admitted what u did and we could have moved on. But not u- of course not. U just drank. The world dealt with u abusing the shit out of everyone and u were lucky enough to be drunk so u don't even remember! Good for u!!! Well done man!!!
Aren't we all the fucking idiots. U know what- fuck kindness from now on. I'm gonna be brutally honest. Fuck anyone who wants to say I'm selfish or ungrateful- and while I'm at it- fuck u for making me think that everyone is just going to arbitrarily abuse me throughout my life. Thank u for that fear. Thank u so fucking much. I fucking hate u. Ur a fucking monster.
And u know what's even more fucked- I will feel bad after I post this journal entry. That's bc u did such a good job of beating into my head that everytime I don't respond to one of ur beatings with 'that's great dad, ur an incredible person, hit me again a few times' that its bc I'm ungrateful and selfish.
Wow- now that anger is out of me I think I realize why I have this mental block. The dude I'm working for is just like u! Complete sense of entitlement like the world owes him something, looks at women like a means to an end, and thinks I'm a fucking joke! Thinks he can treat me however the fuck he wants and I'll just keep being there for him. Good old faithful Jen! In reality this is my career, this man's life is actually in my hands. He signed a contract and I have the complete ability to sue him after this and there is no reason I won't win. This is just an assignment.
Thanks for abusing me to the point of me going crazy just so I won't hurt YOU- 1000 percent of my efforts have been to not hurt YOU. Every fucking one. And u know what the worst part is- I never blamed u for anything and you repeatedly screamed at me and told me that I can't blame my entire life on u. You say u love me- well who the fuck am I? To u I'm still a dumb annoying child. Nothing I have ever done in my whole life was worthy of u not abusing me. That's all I ever wanted- just stop fucking criticizing me. But of course not, not me. Not for me. Like I'm just not good enough to not be talked to like a piece of shit. I fucking hate u so much for what u did to me. I don't want to live in a world where people like u fucking exist. Where people can just destroy lives and act like they've never done anything wrong. That's the part that gets me. Its not what u did- its that the abuse could have stopped when I moved out at 20. U could have just fucking admitted what u did and we could have moved on. But not u- of course not. U just drank. The world dealt with u abusing the shit out of everyone and u were lucky enough to be drunk so u don't even remember! Good for u!!! Well done man!!!
Aren't we all the fucking idiots. U know what- fuck kindness from now on. I'm gonna be brutally honest. Fuck anyone who wants to say I'm selfish or ungrateful- and while I'm at it- fuck u for making me think that everyone is just going to arbitrarily abuse me throughout my life. Thank u for that fear. Thank u so fucking much. I fucking hate u. Ur a fucking monster.
And u know what's even more fucked- I will feel bad after I post this journal entry. That's bc u did such a good job of beating into my head that everytime I don't respond to one of ur beatings with 'that's great dad, ur an incredible person, hit me again a few times' that its bc I'm ungrateful and selfish.
Wow- now that anger is out of me I think I realize why I have this mental block. The dude I'm working for is just like u! Complete sense of entitlement like the world owes him something, looks at women like a means to an end, and thinks I'm a fucking joke! Thinks he can treat me however the fuck he wants and I'll just keep being there for him. Good old faithful Jen! In reality this is my career, this man's life is actually in my hands. He signed a contract and I have the complete ability to sue him after this and there is no reason I won't win. This is just an assignment.
Replies
Haha- this posting is the rantings of a mad woman! I was off- I don\'t feel bad I posted this. in fact- I feel good- b/c the poision that came out of me in this journal entry is on a computer, not in my heart and soul eating away at all that is good. That level of venom is why I\'m all fucked up- I keep in my brutal honesty about how I felt- until now. I have to release it. I have to embrace these demons or they will keep biting me in the ass. I think for now I need to accept that I\'m gonna sound like an angry bitch for a while. I should accept that and be thankful for it. B/c although I\'ve been angry almost my entire life- this is the first time that the anger is productive- meaning pointed in the right direction. I feel the truth is my only way of healing. No more protecting people. Every time I lie to protect my dad I hurt myself. I won\'t lie to him anymore. I\'m not going to attack him, but I won\'t lie for his benefit. Another thing I\'m NOT going to do anymore is hide my joy. Not at all. Not for anyone. I\'ve done that too for so many years- put myself down to fit in with my family who is a bunch of miserable fucks. And I\'ve let them make me one of them. No more.
Boy, I hear that! I was never allowed to be \"angry\" with my parents, or anyone else for that matter. So, getting angry with anyone is a huge problem of mine. Oh, but they sure can get angry with me, and if I try to stick up for myself they block me and insinuate that I\'m either crazy, or inappropriate, or somehow WRONG. That, in itself, makes me so angry, because I\'ve always \"held my tongue\" in an effort to \"keep the peace\" only later to explode. Just seems like there\'s no end to these people, and THEIR craziness.
I totally get how you feel here, and good for you... you ARE allowed to be angry, because what he did was wrong and you\'re NOT wrong for being upset about it. It\'s not you it\'s them!