BRUTAL HONESTY
I have some things I want to express and this is the only place I feel safe to do it. It certainly won't make me look like an angel, but here goes...
I see so many photos of small children and grandchildren on Facebook and so many pictures of big happy families with mothers surrounded by children and grandchildren. I don't begrudge anyone any of this, honestly...but I get so jealous sometimes I can't even catch my breath. I don't know how to resolve these feelings, jealousy is a nasty emotion and I feel nasty when I am consumed by it. I wonder why I didn't have more children, though I know it was because my husband didn't want to have anymore and I just let it go. I wish I would have fought harder for what I wanted, at least one more, but I didn't. I put everything I had into her and wondered how I could ever love another child as much anyway, though I know it happens.
I have so many scrapbooks of my child, different themes, etc. that I assumed I would give to her and now I wonder what I will do with them, or for that matter, who will we leave our home and assets to??? It makes me feel so alone and so scared. Thank God I have my husband but, selfishly, I pray I die before him because I can't imagine being left completely alone. All my other family members will most likely have passed on by then. We all have small families. ..and I married a man 5 years older than me and women tend to live longer than men anyway, so that worries me. I can't imagine beginning another life in a new relationship, how could any other man on earth understand me, the me that has been carved out by the tragedies of my life, especially the worst...
I feel like I am so selfish and self-centered...but I feel like losing my baby pushed me over the edge of pain a person should have to endure in a lifetime, like, I am all full up and should be able to cruise out the rest of my days but Ihave an elderly mother and elderly in-laws and we will soon start having to make some tough decisions about their care.
I am so scared of losing my husband...he isn't perfect, but he understands me and has been through hell and back with me. It has broken his spirit as well...we understand each other. But I read somewhere the divorce rate among couples who have lost a child is around 70%. But that doesn't worry me as much as his passing...we need each other and in fact are probably co-dependent on each other.
I was a very judgemental mother...no one was as good as I was. I could find flaws in everyone elses parenting styles, so I am very humbled now. Those very mothers are having their new grandbabies and my baby chose to leave this world...when I thought I was doing so good I was messing up everything. In retrospect, I see those mistakes, mistakes my precious child ending up having to pay the price for and I have a very lonely and sad future to look forward to...
STILL GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF, STILL NOT TAKING THINGS ONE DAY AT A IME....sigh...will I ever learn???
I see so many photos of small children and grandchildren on Facebook and so many pictures of big happy families with mothers surrounded by children and grandchildren. I don't begrudge anyone any of this, honestly...but I get so jealous sometimes I can't even catch my breath. I don't know how to resolve these feelings, jealousy is a nasty emotion and I feel nasty when I am consumed by it. I wonder why I didn't have more children, though I know it was because my husband didn't want to have anymore and I just let it go. I wish I would have fought harder for what I wanted, at least one more, but I didn't. I put everything I had into her and wondered how I could ever love another child as much anyway, though I know it happens.
I have so many scrapbooks of my child, different themes, etc. that I assumed I would give to her and now I wonder what I will do with them, or for that matter, who will we leave our home and assets to??? It makes me feel so alone and so scared. Thank God I have my husband but, selfishly, I pray I die before him because I can't imagine being left completely alone. All my other family members will most likely have passed on by then. We all have small families. ..and I married a man 5 years older than me and women tend to live longer than men anyway, so that worries me. I can't imagine beginning another life in a new relationship, how could any other man on earth understand me, the me that has been carved out by the tragedies of my life, especially the worst...
I feel like I am so selfish and self-centered...but I feel like losing my baby pushed me over the edge of pain a person should have to endure in a lifetime, like, I am all full up and should be able to cruise out the rest of my days but Ihave an elderly mother and elderly in-laws and we will soon start having to make some tough decisions about their care.
I am so scared of losing my husband...he isn't perfect, but he understands me and has been through hell and back with me. It has broken his spirit as well...we understand each other. But I read somewhere the divorce rate among couples who have lost a child is around 70%. But that doesn't worry me as much as his passing...we need each other and in fact are probably co-dependent on each other.
I was a very judgemental mother...no one was as good as I was. I could find flaws in everyone elses parenting styles, so I am very humbled now. Those very mothers are having their new grandbabies and my baby chose to leave this world...when I thought I was doing so good I was messing up everything. In retrospect, I see those mistakes, mistakes my precious child ending up having to pay the price for and I have a very lonely and sad future to look forward to...
STILL GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF, STILL NOT TAKING THINGS ONE DAY AT A IME....sigh...will I ever learn???
Replies
I can appreciate your feeling like you do... although I miss my Jenn every minute, every day, I know I was blessed that she was older than many of the kids our Moms have lost, old enough that she had children and now they are having babies... and I also have my Kate, another daughter. I admit without her I would have lost my mind by now.
Tight hugs and lots of love, and complete understanding
MaryLou
I understand and am in the same boat as you. Seeing the grandchildren of family and friends is truly difficult and I wonder if they realize how nice it would be to be included once in a while. I really do think this would help to keep us in the natural flow of life. Oh well you cant make others do what you want for sure. Sending you some peace today. Hugs, Kathy
Gina, your thoughts and feelings and fears are very real, very honest and very, very not just yours. I too am angry so much of the time. Pissed is a better description and, because of the hell I am living with, I feel like I have a right to be angry, even if after I say what\'s on my mind, I regret it immediately.
I have my daughter, that is true. The \"good news / bad news\" is that she is witnessing her Mom falling apart, being in a constant state of hell and suffering in a way that I feel, no child should have to witness their Mom suffer.
The burden that has been placed on my daughter Chase\'s shoulders is enormous. I am so overprotective, hyper sensitive and manic depressive now. I was the family rock before.
And yet, I can imagine not having her and that sets me into a panic immediately.
Hindsite is always something we can beat ourselves up for. At the time, your choice to accept your husbands wish of only one child made sense, on some level to you. You had no idea and never would\'ve dreamt that your lives would\'ve unfolded any way but the way it was supposed to. That one you\'ve got to give yourself a lot of hugs to let it go...
I am so glad that you, and we have this wonderful, safe and supportive place to come, bare our souls, scream, bitch, rant and know that we are accepted, flaws and all.
I am so glad you posted this. You are not alone though your reality is different than mine, we share so much of the same fears, loneliness and frustration.
XOXO Merrilee
Wow, you sure know how to beat up on yourself, and talk about a negative view of your future, wow. I\'m devastated by how badly you are feeling, right now. Jealousy, well, that only puts a spotlight on what you want, and value. Nothing wrong with that, we all have it.
You know, the older I get, so much seems to be written in our genes. In my family there\'s lots of depressive-anxiety disorders, it didn\'t start with me, and I doubt if it started with you. We\'re wired a certain way. Suicide is just the worst of it all, and I am very sorry.
But there\'s the wirering, again, and I don\'t think there\'s much we can do, but try and live with it. I\'m back in counseling. Need the support and the help, though the dr. is so much younger, and so different from myself, it surprises me that it still works.
My husband and I are also, so inter-dependent. He\'s six years old than me and I don\'t know how I would manage without his help. He does all the shopping now and prepares our simple meals. Apple and nuts for dinner. Yoghurt for snack. Egg for lunch. Couldn\'t be much simpler. Tight hugs, dear s.o.t.h. and please hang in there. I do know what you\'re feeling. Keep writing. Love, Abby
Dear Gina. I think most of us feel the envy at others who are enjoying grandchildren. Lisa wanted desperately to have another child - obviously without success. I have Cevyn our beautiful granddaughter who will be 20 years old tomorrow. I am blessed but the envy still rears its ugly head.
I wish I had a way to relieve your fears and anxieties. Just know you are definitely not alone. Those are honest feelings you are expressing - no need to feel guilt.
Tight hugs, M
My jealousy hurts my heart so much.... so understand... love ya!
Thank you for your honesty...and jealousy is a understandable emotion. I think we all have those feelings at some time or another. Even those with other children and grandchildren are still jealous of those that have not lost a child...
I think we spend our life trying to figure out how to live with the injustices of life. By persevering we are learning more about ourselves and others and can often then help others to do the same. Little accomplishments are what we may need to desire and be fulfilled with. Love and gentle hugs...
I also have no other children and no grandchildren. For at least four years, if not more, I thought and felt like you. What will we do with everything, the pain of seeing others post about their \"grandies\" was making me ill. At about 5 years those feelings just weren\'t/aren\'t there like they once were. I have never once been sorry I chose not to have more children. I was content with my one and only..... (((hugs)))
I will never get grandbabies either, and I feel like you do, sometimes I get so jealous of my women friends boasting about their grandbabies that I want to scream! What does one do? Then there are times I think, I don\'t know if I would want any more children of my blood to live in this nasty old world that has evolved. Day by day, breath by breath, we will all get through this together!
Love and Hugs dear.
Lisa
Loving care to you dear Gina as you sort through these very human feelings and emotions. That is just what they are and no matter what our lives look like there are always those pangs. It is part of this human package that we find ourselves in and I know that as I sat in the airport with my recent travels I was acutely aware of mothers and sons as I always am. Each of us carries these feelings no matter what the outside of our lives might look like.
I\'m grateful you are sharing, getting it out and hoping that as you do this some of the intensity will soften in time. That is my wish for each of us as we travel this path.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
You only had one child, of course your feelings are so deep and in despair. I have 2 and my fear of losing another is overwhelming at time. As the ladies have said, it will take time, if working one day at a time is to overwhelming then start with hours then 1/2 days. This is the baby step we all need at times.
Sending tight hugs
Penny