Brother Called
A couple of issues - and I thank you all for your insights, they are really helpful. I can see where my brother may feel invalidated and need to be heard and that although I do have some understanding of where he's coming from, I haven't been great about that either in this situation. And during his call to me tonight, I really identified why it is so hard for me (and I think for my parents, as well, although I can't speak for them) to communicate with him and allow for him to voice his feelings.
He did not respond to my letter at all (and in fact, I am not sure if that is on a big ignore or if he really just didn't receive it, yet), however, he did thank me for my birthday wishes on FB and did have something to say about my mother.
For a little bit of background, mom enlarged this really cute snapshot of him when he was 6-7 years old, framed it and dropped it off at his salon with a card. My mom had told me that she had completely forgotten it was a Monday and the salon was closed, but since she was there and the lady who cleans (and who my mom knows, as well) was there, she asked this lady if she could leave it because she doesn't know where my brother lives or have his new phone number to get it to him.
So, after thanking me, my brother says, "if you have a chance to talk to mom, it is fine for you to give her my cell number, although I gave it to her as soon as we disconnected our land line number and also tell her thanks for the picture even though this frame doesn't fit it all, but that's neither here or there, and also she doesn't need to come on a day she knows we are cloed and tell other people that I won't talk to her, my letter stated I would talk to them any time they were ready to listen".
Well, I didn't get all personally embroiled and that's a good thing, but I did take note that this is what kicks me with my brother. Why mention the picture being in a cheap, non-fitting frame? Isn't it the thought that counts? The best I know to describe my reaction to him is that he acts pompous.
However, my response was that he may not realize how much dementia mom is getting and that I have had to give her my cousin's number (who does her hair) at least 15 times. He said, well make sure she writes it down. I didn't respond to that, but know that she always writes my cousin's number down, too.
My other response was that it seems to me that feelings are so high on both sides that it is causing a lot of difficulty in both sides actually being able to communicate effectively and that although our parents do need to listen to him, his feelings and his beliefs, that he also should afford them the same respect. He agreed this was likely true. And that was pretty much the end of the phone call.
I just discovered that this was 3 for 3 conversations where my brother said something that I just thought was unnecessarily rude. The first being me talking about how frustrating it is to not get test/paper scores for so long. His response, "it's college, not high school". The second being me talking about my son being first chair in trombone, but that of course, he's still in his first year so it still sounds like "dum, dum, dum-dum" and my brother's response being, "it's a trombone, that's what they do". And, none of these things are big issues, really, but just his tone and the fact that he feels the need to say them in the first place....
I just can't see how to get to a real discussion over underlying issues when I know I want to shut off and disengage as soon as he makes one of these comments. The feeling really is that he is and knows so much more and everyone else is far beneath...
Maybe this is just more of a trigger for me post-N. However, I just stepped back from the picture frame comment, not make it person (afterall, it wasn't my gift or frame choice) and tried to respond only to the issues as I saw them. But yeah, inside, I just couldn't imagine someone getting me a gift and me acting like it was beneath me.
Anyway, I guess I'm off to bed, only 3 more days of my grand 10 day break from school!!
He did not respond to my letter at all (and in fact, I am not sure if that is on a big ignore or if he really just didn't receive it, yet), however, he did thank me for my birthday wishes on FB and did have something to say about my mother.
For a little bit of background, mom enlarged this really cute snapshot of him when he was 6-7 years old, framed it and dropped it off at his salon with a card. My mom had told me that she had completely forgotten it was a Monday and the salon was closed, but since she was there and the lady who cleans (and who my mom knows, as well) was there, she asked this lady if she could leave it because she doesn't know where my brother lives or have his new phone number to get it to him.
So, after thanking me, my brother says, "if you have a chance to talk to mom, it is fine for you to give her my cell number, although I gave it to her as soon as we disconnected our land line number and also tell her thanks for the picture even though this frame doesn't fit it all, but that's neither here or there, and also she doesn't need to come on a day she knows we are cloed and tell other people that I won't talk to her, my letter stated I would talk to them any time they were ready to listen".
Well, I didn't get all personally embroiled and that's a good thing, but I did take note that this is what kicks me with my brother. Why mention the picture being in a cheap, non-fitting frame? Isn't it the thought that counts? The best I know to describe my reaction to him is that he acts pompous.
However, my response was that he may not realize how much dementia mom is getting and that I have had to give her my cousin's number (who does her hair) at least 15 times. He said, well make sure she writes it down. I didn't respond to that, but know that she always writes my cousin's number down, too.
My other response was that it seems to me that feelings are so high on both sides that it is causing a lot of difficulty in both sides actually being able to communicate effectively and that although our parents do need to listen to him, his feelings and his beliefs, that he also should afford them the same respect. He agreed this was likely true. And that was pretty much the end of the phone call.
I just discovered that this was 3 for 3 conversations where my brother said something that I just thought was unnecessarily rude. The first being me talking about how frustrating it is to not get test/paper scores for so long. His response, "it's college, not high school". The second being me talking about my son being first chair in trombone, but that of course, he's still in his first year so it still sounds like "dum, dum, dum-dum" and my brother's response being, "it's a trombone, that's what they do". And, none of these things are big issues, really, but just his tone and the fact that he feels the need to say them in the first place....
I just can't see how to get to a real discussion over underlying issues when I know I want to shut off and disengage as soon as he makes one of these comments. The feeling really is that he is and knows so much more and everyone else is far beneath...
Maybe this is just more of a trigger for me post-N. However, I just stepped back from the picture frame comment, not make it person (afterall, it wasn't my gift or frame choice) and tried to respond only to the issues as I saw them. But yeah, inside, I just couldn't imagine someone getting me a gift and me acting like it was beneath me.
Anyway, I guess I'm off to bed, only 3 more days of my grand 10 day break from school!!
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