Broken Moms
I spoke to another grieving Mom today who lost her daughter about a year before I lost Cassi. The circumstances were very, very similiar. She reached out to me a few weeks after I lost Cassi and we met a few times. We don't have much in common except our daughters, but that is a bond. I sort of looked up to her in awe, because she had survived a tragedy so similiar to mine. I have been regressing for quite a while now and I was just curious about her. Unfortunately, she is in the same shape I am. Practically homebound, too many triggers out there...we live in a small town. Worse is the likely event of running into someone you know. There isn't an easy way to handle it. If the person asks how I have been Idon't know if they are just being polite or really want to know, but either way it's easier to say "I'm fine", though deep down I just want them to hug me. If they make small talk and don't mention Cassi, I feel resentful and it feels fake and awkward. Tracy (other mom) doesn't go into kaley's room anymore either, same as me. We both came to the conclusion that we were worse off than a year ago, or even two years ago.
I had a lunch date today with another friend who is a grieving mom. She just passed the first anniversary. She is so strong, but she hates Panama City. She blames it for her son's death and also associates it with his death and I am terrified of her moving away. I was getting ready to go, then all of a sudden it hit me. I couldn't go. I just couldn't go, I couldn't walk out the door. She was so sweet and understanding, as always, but I really wanted to see her and talk to her. I needed it, but I couldn't go out there...I was overcome with anxiety, sweating, short of breath, terrified of...whatever it is out there that scares me.
Then my mother called and invited me to dinner with some of her friends. No way I could go, but she's always trying to get me out of the house.
This is very hard to admit, but I can't tell anyone else and I need to tell someone. I have been taking more of my Xanax than prescribed. The last couple of months I have been coming up short and have gotten into a bad place about running out before I can have them refilled. In time, it takes more to control your anxiety, but I am afraid to ask my doctor to increase my dose. He already told me he has never given a patient the dosage amount he gives me. I'm afraid if I tell him he might even decrease my dosage. Sooo...not sure what to do about that.
Replies
Yes it hurts. It seems as time passes I get worse, just don't talk about it as often...Be careful of mess, I just learned from a dr how people OD and taking extra or forgetting when you take one and take another one it could be serious...it surprised me what I learned, it had to do with the body metabolism of the pills. This is the hardest road we have ever traveled...My thoughts are with you...
Gina, you love Cassie with all you heart, mind, soul and being so maybe you can live for her as she is watching you. My heart aches reading your journal. Wishing you some peace and strength to make a little dent in this life. She wants you to live, please for her and yourself PLEASE try. With you on this journey. ooxoxoxox
We become dependent on our meds. I am. Too. And worry if I'll have enough 'till the end of the month. But worrying is a habit, as is grief. Hard to break it. I lost my son six years ago. There are days now when my old spirits come back, I notice, and so does my youngest son. We miss Jacob something terrible. But there it is.
Yes, we need to talk about them with someone who is sympathetic. Emphathetic. I'm in therapy. I need this now. A quiet space. Hoping you will find time to be a friend. And, always write here b/c we do understand.
Keep putting your toe into the water, Gina, and keep trying as you are. Even accepting an invitation and then needing to decline it is putting your toe in and I have said, yes, many times and then it might become a no and that's okay.
My sense is that you need to be truthful with your doctor about what is happening for you with your anxiety. You cannot know how he will respond and I suppose must weigh the risk of telling him or not. There may be other alternatives of things you can be trying that are not addictive and can be used with what you are already taking. Dr. Christopher has some great homeopathic products out there that you might want to Google and read about? Just a thought?
Baby steps are what we each are taking and never, ever will I agree that any of us are where we were on that horrible, tragic day. Three steps forward, two back and still a tiny, nano baby step further along than we were. Sometimes this is harder to recognize and see in ourselves than it is in another.
Loving care dear Gina and keep sharing as you are as it helps all of us.
XO Joanie
I was put on antidepressants and have changed them over they years. Now I am on 2 different kinds, one enhances the serotonin and the other works on the dopamine. This combination has been good for me . Each of our bodies chemistry works differently I would talk to someone about your body getting used to the xanex and may need a total change. I suggest you have this conversation with your DR.
Hugs
Penny
Gina, please be careful with prescription medications. As others have suggested, you may want to talk to your doctor and/or explore other ways to address your anxiety. I tried many treatment modalities after Eddie died. I went to grief therapy, EMDR therapy, church, Zoloft, exercise and of course the priceless help from all the SOTHS here at FMO. All of the above helped in its own way. Keep trying and as Joanie said "baby steps." Love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda
Gina, I agree with everything that has already been said. I tried anti-anxiety, anti-depressive medications and I did not tolerate them. They also scared me, as I felt I was on the edge and it would have been so easy for me to take them all and just be with Jennifer - that scared me so I did other alternatives. - grief therapy and intense grief therapy for 20 months....I'm going to try Yoga again as it helped me, center myself. I wish there was a solution for us all, but there isn't. I'm so sorry for your heartache.....Oh, Cassi, surround your mom with your love and give her just moments of peace & comfort.
Gina, I'm here with you... (((hugs)))) Vicki