Broke & Broken Again
Today I feel like there is no hope left. I've tried my very best to make ends meet but to no avail...Do you think there's hope for the broken and fallen?
I don't feel bitterness...but I do feel the emptiness. This hollow, bottomless void that threatens to swallow me up whole and yet there's so much to live for! Or perhaps I'm deluding myself from being aware of all the happy people around me, and I walk shamelessly around with my painted facade of happiness. How obscure!
Even the words come from a dark place inside, I never was knew could exist inside of me.
Help me find myself from darkness unto light. If I raise my head just right in the forest, I can feel the sunshine on my face...and if I can feel the sunshine, the shadows disappear. Please help me to free of this pain, this turmoil and torture. Perhaps I've spun this great sticky web for myself and no matter how much I am hurting and feeling sorry for myself, only I have the power to set myself free from the web. The web of lies, deceit, loneliness.
I've been lying to myself...The only person that knows me more than anyone else in the whole world, for the better part of 13 years.
Is there any advice for getting past the financial suicide, the gambling and the low self esteem? I have no idea where the self-punishment even comes from so that I can get past it!
I don't feel bitterness...but I do feel the emptiness. This hollow, bottomless void that threatens to swallow me up whole and yet there's so much to live for! Or perhaps I'm deluding myself from being aware of all the happy people around me, and I walk shamelessly around with my painted facade of happiness. How obscure!
Even the words come from a dark place inside, I never was knew could exist inside of me.
Help me find myself from darkness unto light. If I raise my head just right in the forest, I can feel the sunshine on my face...and if I can feel the sunshine, the shadows disappear. Please help me to free of this pain, this turmoil and torture. Perhaps I've spun this great sticky web for myself and no matter how much I am hurting and feeling sorry for myself, only I have the power to set myself free from the web. The web of lies, deceit, loneliness.
I've been lying to myself...The only person that knows me more than anyone else in the whole world, for the better part of 13 years.
Is there any advice for getting past the financial suicide, the gambling and the low self esteem? I have no idea where the self-punishment even comes from so that I can get past it!
Replies
Jellybean,
I hear you, I feel you. And I know what you are going through. Regardless of money you have or not have, take a inventory of your financial. Sort out what you can pay after what you need to live. Don\'t even think gambling may rescue you from your financial ruins. It hardly ever does and if it does you will be back to square one running this cycle.
Take a good look at why you are gambling or gambled so far. Ther is a reason why and how you got addicted. Tackle on those issues.
You already know when light shines you are ok, identify when your light goes off. Try to keep that light on within yourself, not by what is happening around you. It isn\'t because you cannot see the light end of the tunnel, its because
You forgot to keep that light on by not turnning it on.
leave behind what you\'ve lost but count on what remains. Accept yourself as who you are. Look at all the good thing you are. Fix the things you dont like about yourself. Oneday at a time. Today is the only day you can do something about.
Keep your hed up high, you re special in your own way. Don\'t let gambling not believe that about yourself.
Love,
Victoria
please read and take victoria\'s advice. if nothing else, list 10 or 20 things you like about yourself, and/or things you do well. try to take the focus off what you feel you\'ve done wrong. gambling distorts our thinking so bad. when I was actively gambling, I felt like such a loser. somehow, my feelings were all associated with my gambling. when I lost, I felt like a loser. if I won, I felt like a winner only long enough till I lost the money again, then back to feeling like a loser. I had to stop gambling to learn how to identify my feelings, and learn how to cope with them without gambling. and one thing that did lift my self-esteem was NOT gambling one day at a time. then I could start to see some of my good points again. it is a cycle of despair when we\'re gambling. I\'m praying for you.
i used to pull my own hair at the casino as i played, talk about self destruction, lets see, i would count over and over how many spins it would take for a win a bonus, a payback, my mind was slipping away into insanity, thats a messed up feeling, and i knew i still had the drive home, the walk in the house, getting in the bed alone, usually im drunk, wake up first thought in my head was \'did i gamble and if so how bad was it\" ugh triple double ugh, horror, pain, hungover useless human being i was, it got to the point sleeping and staying in bed were WORSE then getting up, cause then i still was a loser on top of loser in bed w/a messy house and i had nothing in the fridge....jesus just typing this makes me say \"who the hell is that mess?\"
hugs, we are all there, big time.....stay close :) im glad i found you
Thanks Guys. Much appreciated. All my JB