broken

this is my journal. This is my journal. This is my journal. I keep telling myself this so that I wont feel odd about not making sense with what I write. I am writing this for me. Every action I take or dont take feels so judged. The question is, "judged by whom?" I don't even really know. I just feel like nothing i do is right or good enough. Even writing in my journal. I was about to start a post in the discussion group, but I felt that nothing that i have to say is important enough. I really do hate everything about me. I mean, I cant even connect with my own wife. I disconnect as easily as most people breath. I have no strong emotional ties with anyone. I understand that these problems are common amongst survivors of childhood rape. That intellectual understanding however does nothing to change the way that i feel. I make my wife miserable. I fail everyone. No one can count on me. I am useless. My wife deserves so much more. She tries to understand me... but there is no understanding me. I'm just no good.