...Broken.

I want to kill myself more than I can properly explain or convey. I've wanted to kill myself for years now, the more I live the more I want too. Never gone through with it though. Too scared, and thinking of my parents have stopped me. If I didn't have them I would probably already be dead. But I fear it might come to the point where that won't even stop me. I'm not trying to live. I'm just not trying to kill myself. I'm barely surviving, but I am at the same time. I don't even feel like I exist sometimes. I feel stuck, watching the world move ahead, and me just stuck in this little box, watching, separate from it all. But holy shit, sometimes I want to just...so much. I don't know how to make it clear. I'm not blind. I can see what people are really like. Yes I know that there are good people out there, but it seems like that number is rapidly decreasing. Everywhere, people are being horrible to each other, killing, destroying others, for selfish reasons. I hate people. I'm afraid of people. So, I know any chance at living with them is worthless. I know life is worthless, that there is no purpose and no goal. An infinitely vast and ever-expanding universe... with no purpose. Humanity is a waste. Living is a waste. Anxiety makes me feel like a waste. Depression makes me feel like a waste. I am a complete waste. So why don't I just take out the trash? I can't get the thought out of my head. It's a weekly thing. Daily, even. I think about it at least once a day. Ofttimes more. I'm tired of fighting to care, trying so hard to feel better. I'm just...tired. I don't want to do it anymore.


I just feel like I've broken enough times to the point that I'm too shattered to be able to glue back together. I just want to die.