bright and shiny
I feel like at a cross roads of dealing with certain problems.
The relationships that I have that are troublesome at times
and the desires to have my own life vs. the feeling of dissapointment
or righteousness when those things that I want, don't come to pass or are some how
squelched. I think I might just need to be more actively managing my feelings
rather than let the 'outrage' that happens when I feel knocked off course take over..
it's like going from one side of the coin to the other in a way. Desire and in the moment, shiny
bright, or much more grounded in the darker realities or just pragmatics.
I might be asking life to be too simple. I might not be giving myself an honest expectation
about what I am going for and why. I've thought about going to the monastery for
my vacation coming up - and I have thought about a longer term stay.
There are a lot of things up in the air right now. I'll stick to the routine
and then work it all out when it comes time to deal with it...
Replies
I've talked to my doctor about the idea of 'this is what it's like to be me' - and that idea is helping me
weigh the realities of struggling with bipolar qualities to my mood. That idea helps me in part
choose things or start to choose things more wisely with a greater sense of self protection and expectation
for how I can realistically deal with my choices in life. Admitting 'this is what it's like to be me' also just grounds me
somehow....acceptance (right arfie?)
I am taking care of the now, but will take care of my future with some dedicated time for thinking about that too.
I think it's about rolling with the punches as well.
Fighting forward and going for what I want in the face of
momentary hiccups. I think it's also good to have some external
structures in my life as well. It's good to have those to rely on
as well.
Was just playing with Blue...and I know I love him for his nature and personality.
He's pretty different and unique but I can see also he's like a two year old - when he gets anxious or
twitchy - it's like he moves before he realizes what he's feeling... so it's like his physical energy and feelings
are two steps ahead of him... I know how that goes.. I 've been there lol
So when I came home - he was meowing for attention - which I gave him - and then
I picked him up in my arms - and it was like you could tell he was happy - but he also
was like a scatter brained two year old - looking all around him and not really focused...
then later on I was looking at him with a lot of love and he had such a bitchy nasty quality
to him at one point LOL but it just made me think about how my little lovely Blue has a dark side too.
As does everyone - and though I am aiming for the light in my life I am also
fortified by this knowledge in that maybe I can give some acceptance and some
grace for when I could occasionally find this in my loved ones and acquaintances as well.
and stead myself on my path as well because of this knowledge! :)