Breakup

I think that I should go into depth about my relationship and how it ended. Why? Because I feel like it. When we met, I had no idea that he was in such a dark place. I'm a fixer, I like to help people when they aren't feeling okay. I was getting to know him for a couple months when I found out that he's chronically depressed. He was born with a chemically imbalanced brain. I started to fall in love with him for his charming personality. I knew that I wanted to stick with through anything because I genuinely cared for him. I had had some depressive downswings before him coupled with some flashes of anxiety. I was relativley normal in the brain. At around June of 2016 he was doing worse than ever. He was admitted to a mental hospital. I remember a couple of months before this he started to cut himself. Everyday I would ask him if he was okay and if he needed anything. Every time that I found new cuts I would tell him how much I cared for him. This made my anxiety grow into a much bigger problem than I had before. The day he was admitted to the hospital, I felt like I had died inside, I felt like I had failed. This sentence is very dramatic but I feel like it paints the picture well. I fell into a huge depressive downswing that really hasn't ever left. I started cutting to make the pain go away. When he was out and we knew we had to be smart and created a support system for each other. We wanted to be stronger mentally, so we started taking good steps to a healthier relationship and mental states for both of us. We supported each other through thick and thin, we spent lots of time together, we checked in on each other, we loved each other. We truely did. Whenever we had problems we talked it out, we wanted to stay together forever, we just worked. I thought that our relationship was as solid as a rock; so I started to take on more schooling so I could pursue my dream of becoming a nurse. I thought that he would be there for me through my tough times just like how I was there for him. I thought wrong. Through the last couple of months I was having anxiety attacks during our dates because I was so worried about school. This is were my fault is. I should have thought about how my schooling was affecting him, but I figured that out too late. He took me to breakfast one day and offered that we should go on a break until my schooling was done. The only problem was, I'm on a fast track to get my Bachelor's degree, I can't really make any schedule changes. He said he was begining to resent our time together because I was getting so much anxiety from school. I told him that I would change, but it was too late. I fully broke up with him the next day because I didn't want to hold on for months to find that he wanted someone new. I gave back the necklace he gave me and cried all the way home. I haven't been the same since. I feel so alone and crushed. I was blindsided because I didn't see what my schooling was doing to him. He told me that he loved me, but that we shouldn't "date just for the sake of being together". This hit me the hardest, he said he loved me but that he wouldn't stay with me just to be with me in the same breath. I'm starting to question if he ever really loved me, or if it was my fault that I drove him away. I became what he wanted because I wanted to him to love me so badly, this left me with depression and more anxiety than I ever thought I could have. Now I question if my friends really do like me and I don't let myself call out for help. I don't know why. This has driven me to want to kill myself because I feel like I failed. I feel useless and unloved. So yeah, that was my recent break up.