Breakthrough
Therapy was tough today, but that's because I had a realisation
I realised most of my behaviours stem from further back than I thought they came from. I though my pain, my over eating, my pushing people away, my closing myself off, my self loathing, self punishment, etc came from the traumatic experience of kissing my daughter. But I realised today it comes from the abuse I suffered, the sexual abuse, the rape, the way men have treated me. Not just those who forced themselves on me but also my 2 abusive relationships, 1 physical & 1 mental and also the way a couple of married men I thought were friends tried it on with me.
I struggle with sex, withdraw even from conversations about it as I feel bad and uneasy just thinking about it. I had my first kiss stolen by an old pervert when I was 13, he also was the first person to even touch my breast. I had a near miss of worse abuse when pinned to a wall by two boys at school & then at 15 was raped by my best friends boyfriend. Was introduced to a fella by a friend not long before my 17th bitthday, he was a little older than me & when he showed 'that' kind of interest in me I let him, I liked him & had had my plan of saving myself till I was married stolen at 15 anyway. After a couple of months he just vanished. I discovered I was pregnant almost 6 months later & 6 months pregnant at that, only a week and a half later my baby girl was born prematurely, weighing 1lb 9oz. She lived for almost 2 months before dieing on the Special Care Baby Unit. I fell to pieces, I had always fantasised about having a daughter. Very quickly after her birth I tracked down her dad, only to find he was living with a girl & had been the whole time. I was drinking, grieving, even smoking pot, I came to meet a guy in my favourite pub, he was 8 years older than me. He know I had lost my daughter, I said I wanted a family, he thought this was a good idea too & we became a couple, I was pregnant before my daughters first birthday. I kept it a secret through the anniversaries. Went to the GP & then told my parents who made me homeless. I moved into temporary accommodation with my boyfriend. This was when I discovered he was a heroin addict. I tried to make our relationship work for our sons sake, but by the end of our relationship he was knocking me about. When I finally escaped this relationship I was scared, never planned on being a single mum. A friend introduced me to a fella she knew, we had an attraction, started a relationship & he moved in with me 8 months or so later. We discussed a child of our own & my youngest came much earlier than planned. Things went bad from just before I got pregnant, him going out & not coming home for days. He was an alcoholic, but what was worse he was bisexual. I discovered later in life my suspicions & the rumours were true, he was cheeting on me. I had one more relationship a couple of years later, but for him I was his rebound, he didn't feel for me as I did for him & when he moved to Liverpool it ended.
I chose to abstain & ended up abstaining for a very very long time.
I met my boyfriend my dearest DH almost 2 years ago now, he has been the only man with whom I felt very at ease, ready & connected. He is the only man with whom I have enjoyed every encounter.
I realised most of my behaviours stem from further back than I thought they came from. I though my pain, my over eating, my pushing people away, my closing myself off, my self loathing, self punishment, etc came from the traumatic experience of kissing my daughter. But I realised today it comes from the abuse I suffered, the sexual abuse, the rape, the way men have treated me. Not just those who forced themselves on me but also my 2 abusive relationships, 1 physical & 1 mental and also the way a couple of married men I thought were friends tried it on with me.
I struggle with sex, withdraw even from conversations about it as I feel bad and uneasy just thinking about it. I had my first kiss stolen by an old pervert when I was 13, he also was the first person to even touch my breast. I had a near miss of worse abuse when pinned to a wall by two boys at school & then at 15 was raped by my best friends boyfriend. Was introduced to a fella by a friend not long before my 17th bitthday, he was a little older than me & when he showed 'that' kind of interest in me I let him, I liked him & had had my plan of saving myself till I was married stolen at 15 anyway. After a couple of months he just vanished. I discovered I was pregnant almost 6 months later & 6 months pregnant at that, only a week and a half later my baby girl was born prematurely, weighing 1lb 9oz. She lived for almost 2 months before dieing on the Special Care Baby Unit. I fell to pieces, I had always fantasised about having a daughter. Very quickly after her birth I tracked down her dad, only to find he was living with a girl & had been the whole time. I was drinking, grieving, even smoking pot, I came to meet a guy in my favourite pub, he was 8 years older than me. He know I had lost my daughter, I said I wanted a family, he thought this was a good idea too & we became a couple, I was pregnant before my daughters first birthday. I kept it a secret through the anniversaries. Went to the GP & then told my parents who made me homeless. I moved into temporary accommodation with my boyfriend. This was when I discovered he was a heroin addict. I tried to make our relationship work for our sons sake, but by the end of our relationship he was knocking me about. When I finally escaped this relationship I was scared, never planned on being a single mum. A friend introduced me to a fella she knew, we had an attraction, started a relationship & he moved in with me 8 months or so later. We discussed a child of our own & my youngest came much earlier than planned. Things went bad from just before I got pregnant, him going out & not coming home for days. He was an alcoholic, but what was worse he was bisexual. I discovered later in life my suspicions & the rumours were true, he was cheeting on me. I had one more relationship a couple of years later, but for him I was his rebound, he didn't feel for me as I did for him & when he moved to Liverpool it ended.
I chose to abstain & ended up abstaining for a very very long time.
I met my boyfriend my dearest DH almost 2 years ago now, he has been the only man with whom I felt very at ease, ready & connected. He is the only man with whom I have enjoyed every encounter.
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