Breaking Through
Day 16 - 17 of 365 - Man Break
Two very stressful days. I went to my first counseling appointment which was good. The things I have decided to focus on are healing from abuse, my relationship with my mother and handling stress. I really thought about it before I went in there. I don't want to just talk and talk. I want to be able to take concrete action. My counselor has a very good sense of humour which fits me perfectly. I think humor has gotten me out of a lot of bad places.
Talking to the counselor opened up some things. Divulging my history brought everythng back to the forefront and I again see how much I push things away and pretend they didn't even happen. How can I think all these years of being abused have not affected me. It felt good to talk. Start to get my feelings out. I think it is a really positive thing.
One thing I found today is that a lot of times I feel helpless and out of control in life. I'm thinking back to whether that was the way I felt as a child. It must be. It seems so famliar to me. I hate that feeling. Like the situations in my life are bars on a cage and there's nothing I can do to get out of them. That's how I feel when I get stuck or I'm stressed or I'm confronting someone. No matter what I do it feels like Im trapped. It's a hard feeling to describe just confined. I think my mother was so overbearing that I felt like I just had to stay still and be good and then I would go undetected on her radar. That's the way I still am - always trying to be good and pefect and do the right thing. Something to work on.
Two very stressful days. I went to my first counseling appointment which was good. The things I have decided to focus on are healing from abuse, my relationship with my mother and handling stress. I really thought about it before I went in there. I don't want to just talk and talk. I want to be able to take concrete action. My counselor has a very good sense of humour which fits me perfectly. I think humor has gotten me out of a lot of bad places.
Talking to the counselor opened up some things. Divulging my history brought everythng back to the forefront and I again see how much I push things away and pretend they didn't even happen. How can I think all these years of being abused have not affected me. It felt good to talk. Start to get my feelings out. I think it is a really positive thing.
One thing I found today is that a lot of times I feel helpless and out of control in life. I'm thinking back to whether that was the way I felt as a child. It must be. It seems so famliar to me. I hate that feeling. Like the situations in my life are bars on a cage and there's nothing I can do to get out of them. That's how I feel when I get stuck or I'm stressed or I'm confronting someone. No matter what I do it feels like Im trapped. It's a hard feeling to describe just confined. I think my mother was so overbearing that I felt like I just had to stay still and be good and then I would go undetected on her radar. That's the way I still am - always trying to be good and pefect and do the right thing. Something to work on.
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