Breaking Through

Day 16 - 17 of 365 - Man Break
Two very stressful days.  I went to my first counseling appointment which was good.  The things I have decided to focus on are healing from abuse, my relationship with my mother and handling stress.  I really thought about it before I went in there.  I don't want to just talk and talk.  I want to be able to take concrete action.  My counselor has a very good sense of humour which fits me perfectly. I think humor has gotten me out of a lot of bad places. 
Talking to the counselor opened up some things.  Divulging my history brought everythng back to the forefront and I again see how much I push things away and pretend they didn't even happen.  How can I think all these years of being abused have not affected me.  It felt good to talk.  Start to get my feelings out. I think it is a really positive thing.
One thing I found today is that a lot of times I feel helpless and out of control in life.  I'm thinking back to whether that was the way I felt as a child.  It must be.  It seems so famliar to me.  I hate that feeling.  Like the situations in my life are bars on a cage and there's nothing I can do to get out of them.  That's how I feel when I get stuck or I'm stressed or I'm confronting someone.  No matter what I do it feels like Im trapped.  It's a hard feeling to describe just confined.  I think my mother was so overbearing that I felt like I just had to stay still and be good and then I would go undetected on her radar.  That's the way I still am - always trying to be good and pefect and do the right thing.  Something to work on.
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I often feel helpless and out of control. Over the last two years I developed \"my own technique\" of coping with such situations. it involves two steps. first - I \"allow\" myself a moment of \"weakness\" - I simply...cry. not much, mind you, as suprisengly enough, once I \"know\" it\'s ok to cry, somehow I want to cry less. still, this is nessesary for me, as it allows all the emotional stuff to be washed out of my system. Then, once this is done and over, I accept that in a given situation there is nothing I can control, really, apart from...how I feel about it. with time I have become more skillful in adjusting my feelings, replacing bad thoughts with a good ones, sometimes playing favourite music soothes my mind or thinking of something I really like to do. this second step is needed to find my peace of mind back. and once I\'m in a content mood, I find that in reality I can do something about the situation that trapped me. and actually, that I can do a lot about it. even if it only means - to take different attitude about it.
when we concentrate our mind on emotional effects of the uncontrollable situations, we take away a chance to concentrate on how to get out, on \"practical\" things. so the trick is - calm first, free your mind from emotions, so that it can start searching for a way out of your \"trap\". because in truth, there is always a way out.
arat38
arat38

Thank you Svetik. That is very good advice. I think I always tell myself that I shouldn\'t feel what I feel. So allowing myself this might help a lot. I think since I met such resistance with my mother trying to tell her how I feel that I just started thinking it was not okay to feel things.