Breaking Point
It has been an up and down kinda week so far. On Tuesday, I got my Benlysta co-pay card. I called and ordered my meds which were shipped next day. Got the vials on Wednesday. I can't say I believe this will be the cure, but I am hopefull that this will be the treatment I need to help me get back to work and on with my life.
It was bitter sweet. I have an appointment today to get my first infusion. My rheumy says that some of the damage that has already been done is permanent but hopefully this will prevent any futher damage.
My daughter had a graduation ceremony yesterday. She graduated from D.A.R.E. She is almost 12. I am proud of her! Her father didn't go because crowds make him nervous and he acts like a coplete ass when he get nervous. Of course, lately he has acted like a complete ass all the time.
We had to run home after the ceremony because a neighbor up the road was throwing a surprise birthday party for his wife. They were at the ceremony with their daughter as well so we got home before them so we went and hid in their basement. She was surprised!
My husband went up early ad helped set up. By the time my children and I arrived, he was already drunk. He has to be up at 3am for work, so he left around 9:30. I told him we were right behind him but I stayed to help clean up then had to locate all of my children. By the time we got home it was a little after 10pm. Walked in the house to find things destroyed. He was pissed that we stayed up there so long and accused me of having an affair with the neighbors husband. He destroyed two bar stools, his cell phone, and worse yet, his wedding ring. He said he is done and that he is sick of everyone living their lives and him not being able to because he has to work to support our family since I wont.
You know, it is funny, he was layed off of his job years ago. He was off for a little over a year and I work 60+ hours per week to get us through. Not once did I complain. It was just something I had to do to get us through. I am no martyr!! I am a wife and mother that had to get our family through.
I did not ask to be sick just like he did not ask to be layed off. I thought marriage was about helping each other out when things get tough, not constantly putting the other down just to build yourself up.
I have stuck by this man through two drunk driving charges, him being in jail for 3 month the first year of our marriage, three children, two mortgages....the list goes on. It hurt me that he took his ring off because he always threw it in my face that he never would do that. We will be together for 20 years this month. In July we will be married for 16 years. I think I have finally reached my breaking point.
The alarm went off at 3am. He got up cussing and angry (just like he went to bed). Reset the alarm and layed back down. Snooze went off and he repeated. Finally, at 4am, I asked him if he was going to work today. Well, that just set him off completely. How dare I ask him if he was going to work. And "I cant lay around all day like you because I have to work my ass off for some chump change". Hey loser, I did not ask you to be a highschool drop out. I did not tell you to go work in a factory making nearly minimum wage and have no desire to improve your life. I went to college. I got a degree. It's not my fault I got sick and can't work right now. The entire time I was going to college, he made me feel guilty. Told me I was tking time away from our family to do something for myself.
I got up out of bed and hobbled to the kitchen. Mornings are tough. My joints are stiff and aching. He made fun of me. Said I was just walking like that for attention. I have walked like that every morning for the last couple of years. He has seen it with his own eyes. But now all of a sudden I am "faking it for attention because I am upset". Got a cup of coffee and went out on my back deck for a smoke. Been trying to quit the habit, but it's not so easy when you are stressed out!! He continued on his path of wife destruction so he could build his ego and, oh, I don't know, feel more like a man. Right before he walked out the door and headed to work, he tried to give me a hug and say he loves me. I told him to get away from me. I am done. I cant fight a war that I am never going to win any more. My strength is gone and he is responsible for sucking the life out of me!!!
Yesterday at the surprise birthday party for the neighbor, I watched as he oooo'd and aaaaa'd over her. He has always done that. Her birtday is two days before mine. The year I graduated with my BSN and she graduated with her massotherapy certificate, her husband threw her a birthday party/graduation party. My husband just was in awe of her achievements. He helped set up for that party as well. Last year on my 40th birthday, he said nothing and did nothing. I got a text at 9:30 at night saying "oh, by the way, happy birthday". When I graduated with my BSN...nothing!!! Tomorrow is my birthday. I don't need a party. I don't need gifts. I just want to be appreciated. Is that so much to ask?
I am spending the day with my mom today. I am going to ask her for money to pay a divorce lawyer. I am done!! I used to be afraid of doing this alone. As I look back, I realize that I have been doing it alone! Not only have I been doing this alone, I have been doing it with an alcoholic husband who is borderline abusive. He has never gone to doctors appointments with me. Whenever I talk about my disease and treatments he rolls his eyes and walks away. I have no one! I am alone. Maybe it is better that way. Close myself behind a wall so that no one can hurt me. Protect my borders.
He can't remember what he did with his ring. I have it. When I saw it on the ground all mangled and tossed away, it reminded me of what our marriage has become. People keep telling me to fight for my marriage for the sake of our kids and that a divorce is a serious step. They say "think of what it will do to the kids". What is it doing to our kids when they hear their father call their mother horrible names? What is it doing to them when he is constantly angry and yelling? We haven't had sex in over a year. He cant deal with my diseases. So really, what is the point of staying married? I can't deal with all that my diseases have cause plus deal with him. I have reached my breaking point. I took my ring off this morning. I am done!!
It was bitter sweet. I have an appointment today to get my first infusion. My rheumy says that some of the damage that has already been done is permanent but hopefully this will prevent any futher damage.
My daughter had a graduation ceremony yesterday. She graduated from D.A.R.E. She is almost 12. I am proud of her! Her father didn't go because crowds make him nervous and he acts like a coplete ass when he get nervous. Of course, lately he has acted like a complete ass all the time.
We had to run home after the ceremony because a neighbor up the road was throwing a surprise birthday party for his wife. They were at the ceremony with their daughter as well so we got home before them so we went and hid in their basement. She was surprised!
My husband went up early ad helped set up. By the time my children and I arrived, he was already drunk. He has to be up at 3am for work, so he left around 9:30. I told him we were right behind him but I stayed to help clean up then had to locate all of my children. By the time we got home it was a little after 10pm. Walked in the house to find things destroyed. He was pissed that we stayed up there so long and accused me of having an affair with the neighbors husband. He destroyed two bar stools, his cell phone, and worse yet, his wedding ring. He said he is done and that he is sick of everyone living their lives and him not being able to because he has to work to support our family since I wont.
You know, it is funny, he was layed off of his job years ago. He was off for a little over a year and I work 60+ hours per week to get us through. Not once did I complain. It was just something I had to do to get us through. I am no martyr!! I am a wife and mother that had to get our family through.
I did not ask to be sick just like he did not ask to be layed off. I thought marriage was about helping each other out when things get tough, not constantly putting the other down just to build yourself up.
I have stuck by this man through two drunk driving charges, him being in jail for 3 month the first year of our marriage, three children, two mortgages....the list goes on. It hurt me that he took his ring off because he always threw it in my face that he never would do that. We will be together for 20 years this month. In July we will be married for 16 years. I think I have finally reached my breaking point.
The alarm went off at 3am. He got up cussing and angry (just like he went to bed). Reset the alarm and layed back down. Snooze went off and he repeated. Finally, at 4am, I asked him if he was going to work today. Well, that just set him off completely. How dare I ask him if he was going to work. And "I cant lay around all day like you because I have to work my ass off for some chump change". Hey loser, I did not ask you to be a highschool drop out. I did not tell you to go work in a factory making nearly minimum wage and have no desire to improve your life. I went to college. I got a degree. It's not my fault I got sick and can't work right now. The entire time I was going to college, he made me feel guilty. Told me I was tking time away from our family to do something for myself.
I got up out of bed and hobbled to the kitchen. Mornings are tough. My joints are stiff and aching. He made fun of me. Said I was just walking like that for attention. I have walked like that every morning for the last couple of years. He has seen it with his own eyes. But now all of a sudden I am "faking it for attention because I am upset". Got a cup of coffee and went out on my back deck for a smoke. Been trying to quit the habit, but it's not so easy when you are stressed out!! He continued on his path of wife destruction so he could build his ego and, oh, I don't know, feel more like a man. Right before he walked out the door and headed to work, he tried to give me a hug and say he loves me. I told him to get away from me. I am done. I cant fight a war that I am never going to win any more. My strength is gone and he is responsible for sucking the life out of me!!!
Yesterday at the surprise birthday party for the neighbor, I watched as he oooo'd and aaaaa'd over her. He has always done that. Her birtday is two days before mine. The year I graduated with my BSN and she graduated with her massotherapy certificate, her husband threw her a birthday party/graduation party. My husband just was in awe of her achievements. He helped set up for that party as well. Last year on my 40th birthday, he said nothing and did nothing. I got a text at 9:30 at night saying "oh, by the way, happy birthday". When I graduated with my BSN...nothing!!! Tomorrow is my birthday. I don't need a party. I don't need gifts. I just want to be appreciated. Is that so much to ask?
I am spending the day with my mom today. I am going to ask her for money to pay a divorce lawyer. I am done!! I used to be afraid of doing this alone. As I look back, I realize that I have been doing it alone! Not only have I been doing this alone, I have been doing it with an alcoholic husband who is borderline abusive. He has never gone to doctors appointments with me. Whenever I talk about my disease and treatments he rolls his eyes and walks away. I have no one! I am alone. Maybe it is better that way. Close myself behind a wall so that no one can hurt me. Protect my borders.
He can't remember what he did with his ring. I have it. When I saw it on the ground all mangled and tossed away, it reminded me of what our marriage has become. People keep telling me to fight for my marriage for the sake of our kids and that a divorce is a serious step. They say "think of what it will do to the kids". What is it doing to our kids when they hear their father call their mother horrible names? What is it doing to them when he is constantly angry and yelling? We haven't had sex in over a year. He cant deal with my diseases. So really, what is the point of staying married? I can't deal with all that my diseases have cause plus deal with him. I have reached my breaking point. I took my ring off this morning. I am done!!
Replies
oh honey............................hugs, lots of hugs. what a mess.........whether physical or emotional......abuse is abuse is abuse. it tears at the soul.......couples have issues, they disagree, they fight......but when does it cross the line? when it is abusive........when it is all about the narcissisist/when it is mean/cruel/when it tears at who you are and what you are........and yes, it impacts your babies.....tall & small. they take in everything.
love is not mean like that. love lifts you up, it makes you feel safe, secure, cared for and cherished........you know that the other person has your back and gives you a soft place to land. and vice versa...........i don\'t know if you are done or if you are not.......that is for you to say and right now i don\'t know if you are angry & venting or if you are angry & certain.
....................i\'m here, listening, not sure what to say........this brings out my nurturing protective nature big time and I wanna protect you and spare you more of the same........it is not right, not what you deserve .......when it comes to marriage it is up to you, no one else can say what happens from here................this kind of stuff from your mate is counterproductive, destructive and killing the marriage.......it zaps and rips at love, tears at the heart......
I\'ve said this to you before hon, you are the woman he took vows with, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish........you are a wife, mother to his children.......he should respect, support and face the troubles with you, not rip at you ..........at the heart of it he is scared I think, but it is not an excuse for bad behavior, he is a grown up and ya\'ll are facing very grown up issues..............whatever happens please tell him that you will not listen to one more word that disparages you or the situation at hand. he can help or he can stay at a buddy\'s and pay you child support beginning today..........i may sound cold, but jeez.............sometimes you have to turn off all the negativity coming in to your own airspace.......
..........this headache is making me nauseous, cripes! here, listening, concerned........hang in there for YOU and for your babies..........hugs, hugs, hugs and prayers.