Breaking-my-virginity Journal

So, here's my 1st entry @ Daily Strength.  Hubby joined up over  a week ago, b/c I suggested he could benefit from some sort of support system to deal w/ his psychogenic seizures, depression, anxiety, & hypochondria.  I saw how much it helped him just to be able to blog, & speak w/ others.    And dealing w/ him (+ having a stressful job + being a natural pessimist w/ a history of emotional issues) has taken a large toll on me. I started cutting again a few months back.  I'd pretty much gone 10 years w/ very few relapses.  But within the past 3 months, I've cut close to once a week (two of which are deep & will leave lasting scars).  I haven't binged or purged or starved myself or gone back to over-exercising, abusing laxatives or anything of that sort.  I have started drinking again, but only a little.   I realized I need help.  So, I'm back on anti-depressants & just looking for a forum on which to vent.  That, I suppose, is here.  :)  I can't really afford a therapist right now.  Finances are tight.  So, I'm trying to exhaust whatever free-of-cost outlets I can find. It disappoints me to see how bad life has gotten.  Weeks ago I told hubby that I want a divorce.  But that's not really true.  I just want the pain to go away.  I tried to close him out.  But that just made everything worse ... especially w/ him.  And it only made me feel like a supreme jackass for hurting him.   Yet, it frightens me to have hope.  It seems when I have hope, then I have to make my emotional self vulnerable.  I don't like feeling emotionally naked.  I like being guarded.  It means I'm safe.  But yet when I'm safe, I'm lonely.  A no-win scenario, it appears! So, there it is.  I broke my Daily Strength hymen.  I'm trying to be more optimistic, but indeed I am the CYNICAL CAT!!!  Blogging may help (can it hurt???).   I just hope I can find some sort of solace soon.