Breaking Free
It's a hard thing to do. I'm sitting here, wondering if everything is okay, literally looking at the telephone. I haven't spoken to my father since Wednesday and today is Friday. It's hard. Thoughts run through my mind: is he okay? Has he fallen? Is he screaming out for help? But I can't know the answer to these questions because for the first time in my life I'm walking away from my father.
God help me.
I never thought I could do something like this, but I'm a rat, fighting for life, fighting to survive this widowhood crap that's been thrust upon me. And I can't do it with my father dragging me down into the depths of despair.
I'm alone now, truly alone and I feel it with every fiber of my being. I can't make sense of it, but it's there. 53 years in the making. I have no strength to fight now and must think of me, but being selfish is nothing I'm proud of. It's not who I am, so I struggle and watch the telephone, and listen to the clock ticking. Time passes slowly, me sitting here typing, watching the phone, wondering.
Will I regret this one day? Will I stand before God and have to explain it? Is there a good explantion for why I'm walking away from a father I'd long forgiven and loved up until seven months ago. The truth is the dagger he stuck in my soul is long and pointed. It stripped everything away, consumed me. Sometimes I'm so consumed with the words he's spoken that I forget that I'm a widow and that just want do. No one should have that sort of power.
So I walked away. I packed the rest of my things and left him standing there. I've never done anything so difficult.
Pray for me.
God help me.
I never thought I could do something like this, but I'm a rat, fighting for life, fighting to survive this widowhood crap that's been thrust upon me. And I can't do it with my father dragging me down into the depths of despair.
I'm alone now, truly alone and I feel it with every fiber of my being. I can't make sense of it, but it's there. 53 years in the making. I have no strength to fight now and must think of me, but being selfish is nothing I'm proud of. It's not who I am, so I struggle and watch the telephone, and listen to the clock ticking. Time passes slowly, me sitting here typing, watching the phone, wondering.
Will I regret this one day? Will I stand before God and have to explain it? Is there a good explantion for why I'm walking away from a father I'd long forgiven and loved up until seven months ago. The truth is the dagger he stuck in my soul is long and pointed. It stripped everything away, consumed me. Sometimes I'm so consumed with the words he's spoken that I forget that I'm a widow and that just want do. No one should have that sort of power.
So I walked away. I packed the rest of my things and left him standing there. I've never done anything so difficult.
Pray for me.
Replies
Maybe you could get him one of those panic buttons so that if he were to fall down he could get help. Maybe it would give you a bit of piece of mind, to know that he could call for help at the push of a button
I\'m so sorry this is so difficult for you, your dad sounds like a very unhappy man so he takes it out on you....but that doesn\'t excuse him as it makes it hard for you....maybe one of the panic buttons would help ease your mind like Donale said....no matter what he\'s your dad even though at times it\'s hard to think that way....keeping you in my prayers...hugs...take it easy and don\'t beat yourself up too much...Sandi
Prayer sent. You have to take care of yourself, before you can deal with, or take care of someone else.
I know this has to be so hard on you. I can\'t pretend to know what you are going through, but I can hear the pain in your words. I agree with Tim, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. All of us here who have read your journals and posts know how miserable your father is and how hard it has been on you to deal with him. Maybe through this, he will decide he must make some adjustments too if he doesn\'t want to be alone and miserable the rest of his life.
Wishing you peace and comfort
Angie
You did the right thing for your own very survival and God knows this as well. You have to survive and keep on living. God has a purpose for you. I left an abusive, controlling, and addictive man with lots of guilt. My pastor said I should have left him a long time ago but it was the guilt. Once the pastor said this, I felt a burden lift off my shoulders as well as the guilt. You should have done this to your dad a long time ago. It is about time you stood up for yourself, your health and your very own survival. I am proud of you as well I know God is proud of you. All the best from Diane B.