Break-in' and Hurting
Does anyone else feel that you want to a break and destroy everything to feel like you feel. I feel horrible and making all around me thus would help me to feel more validated. I mean to hurt those around me and to break asunder all that I have wrought. I feel like this is a lie. I goto to the therapist and shrink to talk, but nothing changes. Day and day out I live this lie of normalcy in the face of my shame, guilt, and disease. I feel like breaking and hurting things.
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I have felt like that before, but didn't act on it.
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I have seen what happens to those who do act on angry feelings...and it only traps them in ever increasing cycles of anger and destruction.
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During my divorce, I chopped down a tree (12 inch trunk?...something like that) with a hatchet. Yeah, using a saw would have gotten the job done in minutes instead of weeks...and my hands wouldn't have been nearly as bloody from the calluses, but...it was therapy. Got a LOT of anger out, and the pain put a limit on how much I could wallow in my anger/misery. I believe that I went through 3 hatchets.
Who has three hatchets at their house? :) But I understand.
I have observed the feelings from my rational self, I find them faulty. I try to give them up, but they remain. I come back to the feelings all the time even though they are irrational. My Id is stronger than my ego. I want to give me feelings voice and to let them loose. How do you deal with the irrational?
I didn't...I had to keep going out and buying more because the handle part was breaking apart leaving only the bare metal.
Swing (f*ck you), swing (F'ck you), swing, (f'ck YOU), SWING (F'CK YOU!!!!!)
I got really strong forearms.
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Ex and I are on friendly terms now. There's a lot to be said for not doing the things that I was thinking of...
Misery loves company is absolutely true...…. Big squishy hug.... I agree to scream, howl at the moon.... punch a bag or a pillow..... if you continue to feel like this Thor I would call your pdoc or even GP on Monday....
It could be a mixed state??? and it might be med related.....xo
Dysphoric mania
Dysphoric mania is a mental illness which usually refers to bipolar disorder with mixed episodes of mania and major depression either experienced simultaneously or in rapid sequence. Dysphoric mania typically involves some form of agitation up to and including outright rage. This condition can be described as agitated depression.
Great still crazy and they have a name for my type of crazy.
Thanks for the info. I do see PDoc on Monday. I knew that I could have both together at the same time..
Why do I always seem to need help.
Patti - I know how you feel. Mine is not directed at a tree but at my own corpus. I can see cutting slicing or plunging a knife inside. The shame is towards me not outward. A tree would be easy. Maybe a problem for the association but I guess that can be fixed with another tree. But I think giving myself a longer sharp nice is more dangerous than a short knife.
We all need help at times sweetie..... Don't beat yourself up for that.... The important thing is that you're doing all that you can to get the help and engaging in your treatment..... Big hug.....xo
I know the impulse to self harm...very well.
S, you are filled with adrenalin at this point. You can't run it off, so figure out how to drain all that energy. Others have given you ideas. Knowing the name of what is going on may be helpful, but doesn't change what is happening. Pick what will drain the energy without harm to you or others. Hopeful hugs you find a way.
SimpsonsOK - you make a good point and one that I had not thought of. I have no idea how to drain the energy. I do not know that it is pent up, and I am spinning in so many directions. I will try to remain safe in sleep and a good long walk tomorrow morning.
Yes, stay safe. Hopefully you will sleep and your system will calm down. I found it helpful to recognize the thoughts that started the spinning, and act early on them instead of spiraling. Healing and calming hugs.