Brand New Chapter
I changed my fate today.
I'm at that antagonizing phase of life where I'm not quite an adult but definitely not a child. I graduated college two years ago but have been unable to find good full-time work. I recently had two job prospects: $900 a month in a brand-new position, starting my own department; or $30K a year with 9% commission in sales. The first job is in my hometown. I clearly would still be living at home with this option. The second is in another city four hours away.
The big draw to the second option is the city aspect. I would be independent. I would be able to have an apartment all to myself and a pet that I chose. I would have nearer to people my age. I found a good church up there and an international community. There were tons of opportunities to be involved in the community around me. I would have been half an hour from the Doctor.
The other job would leave me at home where the only decent prospect for dating is my ex, the Science Teacher. He recently made it public knowledge that he started online dating, and his profile got a 99% match with mine. On it, he claimed he always did a bunch of things he didn't do for me. It was painful.
So clearly I don't want to stay in this town. There's nothing for me here.
Only...
I looked up the second company... The company can't keep a CEO for more than two years. They change their product line almost as often. Then I read about how customers' contracts expired and were not renewed but the company continued to pull money from the accounts as if it were for up to 8 months after the end of the contract. At first, I was skeptical, but when the employee reviews said the same thing, I was devastated.
I took the first job and completely wrote off the second. I am so upset. I have a job, so I should be grateful, but it's just going to be another year of being miserable. I won't even make enough money to pay off my student debt, let alone travel or explore or any of the things I looked forward to. And as far as ever being a wife... Well, that's clearly not going to happen any time soon.
I keep thinking of this group of women in their mid-thirties to early forties... They all sat around, praising Jesus and trusting in His name, focusing on His love... And they never got married. They waited and waited for the right guy, and he never came. I remember how miserable these women were at times, just waiting. I don't want to sit and wait. I'm just going to mold over, right here in the middle of a cornfield.
As positive as I'm trying to be... I'm depressed. I mean, this job will look good on my resume, and I'm sure after a year of growing this new position I will look good for other companies. But for now... I feel like every good thing has been sucked out of my life. I feel like I have no hope, period. I just want to sit and cry and mourn all the hopeful futures that died today.
Still, as upset and depressed as I am, I did something good. I won't be stealing from other people. I won't be making my life happy off of their misery. I won't be working for an unstable company. Maybe this is God finally shaping me into the life of faith that I have always dreamed about. Maybe He's calling me into this wilderness like Christ, to be tempted and tried. It's nice to think that God counts me worthy of the struggle, but at the same time... I just wish things would go well and stay well for once.
Here's to brand new chapters... And the glorious unknown.
I'm at that antagonizing phase of life where I'm not quite an adult but definitely not a child. I graduated college two years ago but have been unable to find good full-time work. I recently had two job prospects: $900 a month in a brand-new position, starting my own department; or $30K a year with 9% commission in sales. The first job is in my hometown. I clearly would still be living at home with this option. The second is in another city four hours away.
The big draw to the second option is the city aspect. I would be independent. I would be able to have an apartment all to myself and a pet that I chose. I would have nearer to people my age. I found a good church up there and an international community. There were tons of opportunities to be involved in the community around me. I would have been half an hour from the Doctor.
The other job would leave me at home where the only decent prospect for dating is my ex, the Science Teacher. He recently made it public knowledge that he started online dating, and his profile got a 99% match with mine. On it, he claimed he always did a bunch of things he didn't do for me. It was painful.
So clearly I don't want to stay in this town. There's nothing for me here.
Only...
I looked up the second company... The company can't keep a CEO for more than two years. They change their product line almost as often. Then I read about how customers' contracts expired and were not renewed but the company continued to pull money from the accounts as if it were for up to 8 months after the end of the contract. At first, I was skeptical, but when the employee reviews said the same thing, I was devastated.
I took the first job and completely wrote off the second. I am so upset. I have a job, so I should be grateful, but it's just going to be another year of being miserable. I won't even make enough money to pay off my student debt, let alone travel or explore or any of the things I looked forward to. And as far as ever being a wife... Well, that's clearly not going to happen any time soon.
I keep thinking of this group of women in their mid-thirties to early forties... They all sat around, praising Jesus and trusting in His name, focusing on His love... And they never got married. They waited and waited for the right guy, and he never came. I remember how miserable these women were at times, just waiting. I don't want to sit and wait. I'm just going to mold over, right here in the middle of a cornfield.
As positive as I'm trying to be... I'm depressed. I mean, this job will look good on my resume, and I'm sure after a year of growing this new position I will look good for other companies. But for now... I feel like every good thing has been sucked out of my life. I feel like I have no hope, period. I just want to sit and cry and mourn all the hopeful futures that died today.
Still, as upset and depressed as I am, I did something good. I won't be stealing from other people. I won't be making my life happy off of their misery. I won't be working for an unstable company. Maybe this is God finally shaping me into the life of faith that I have always dreamed about. Maybe He's calling me into this wilderness like Christ, to be tempted and tried. It's nice to think that God counts me worthy of the struggle, but at the same time... I just wish things would go well and stay well for once.
Here's to brand new chapters... And the glorious unknown.
Replies
Please don\'t get down on yourself. Wee all have to start somewhere in life and this is your chosen starting point. Keep ahold of your dream and someday they will come true. Just remember that dreams do change as life goes on. I have been through a lot in life from miserable jobs to divorce to loosing my entire family in 15 months. They have all been trials and made me stronger for living through them and not giving up. I have faith in you and I know you can and will live your dreams someday. :) You are still very young and have time to be a wife and have a family and the right guy will come along someday so don\'t get discouraged with that either. :)
Big Hugs !