Brainwashed
Today I am in pain....on the inside...screaming, but I'm the only one that can hear it. What if I just walked away, a million times...just walking away. Gambling has never been a friend, a crutch whatever the f you wanna call it. Its this addiction you hide in the closet, put on a happy face, go to work, on top of your game...studying, cooking, swimming.....................and screaming on the inside.
I'm sorry...this I say solemnly to myself. Because I deserve to be compassionate and gentle with myself. My mind now has the ability conjure up the past in these movies that don't stop playing...promises and lies. Bottom of the barrel, and when you look up the light is so faint, so dim, but I know I'm gonna climb. I know this now, within my soul, a song...that I had forgotten. A song of hope and joy and love and abundance. But the bullshit wont stop coming. The reek is overwhelming and you choke back the vomit you know wants to erupt.
Spent my son's crown birthday in September with one cake amongst the family. No presents, no smiles, just promises of another day. So i fucked up and ahoy al capitan she called and I answered. Blasted my whole salary trying to make ends meet, leave alone trying to get him a present. And history came a knocking in October for my soul mate and best friend's birthday. Oh God, please just for this once, please help me win big. I promise I will get help and pick up the pieces, Give me strength, please just help me. And it happened!!!!! The shock hit me in waves, I screamed, I cried, I was in shock. I won 200 000. Holy mother of God. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you......but that wasn't the end of the story.
Over the next week I discovered that my country was going to either confiscate the money or worse...throw me in jail for gambling online. What the fuck!!!!!!!! So angry now. Was this a cruel joke that the devil was playing on me. I bet he was laughing his arse off. Oh God please help me. I want to buy my first real home with my husband, I want to pay off most of the debt, the loans, buy the kids presents, pay off family loans, so much to do. Tell me what to do, please, I'm listening. The more I tried to receive the money in a million different ways, the more apparent it became that that was not going to happen.
So slowly but surely I gambled every cent away in 2 days. Didn't go to work...just carried on like a mindless zombie. And on the last day, after every dime was spent the good lord said to me....check your email. And there it was... someone from support had found a way for me to get my money. HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But the money was gone
Picking up pieces now.
My husband looked at me and said, "Babe its gonna be alright." Don't cry. Everything is going to be alright. So I know I'm done. No matter how many times I try again, I know that that night something died within me. I tried for 14 years for just that one big win. Some people never see it and if they do they probably have worse problems because of it.
So I am starting my journey and needed so desperately to talk to someone or even listen to my fellow recovering addicts. But there was supposed GA meetings, so my husband and I drove around for hours looking for someone to direct us to a meeting and nothing....
Gonna keep trying.
I pray for me now and pray for you. May we find the strength from deep within, to realise this is just an illusion. A very clever trick. An insidious mind game created to lure us away from the truth. The Peter Stuyvesant life. May you all find the joy, the light within that burns and fans those flames. I will help fan yours. Please pray for all our souls. Lead us not into temptation, deliver us from evil, for thy is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen
I'm sorry...this I say solemnly to myself. Because I deserve to be compassionate and gentle with myself. My mind now has the ability conjure up the past in these movies that don't stop playing...promises and lies. Bottom of the barrel, and when you look up the light is so faint, so dim, but I know I'm gonna climb. I know this now, within my soul, a song...that I had forgotten. A song of hope and joy and love and abundance. But the bullshit wont stop coming. The reek is overwhelming and you choke back the vomit you know wants to erupt.
Spent my son's crown birthday in September with one cake amongst the family. No presents, no smiles, just promises of another day. So i fucked up and ahoy al capitan she called and I answered. Blasted my whole salary trying to make ends meet, leave alone trying to get him a present. And history came a knocking in October for my soul mate and best friend's birthday. Oh God, please just for this once, please help me win big. I promise I will get help and pick up the pieces, Give me strength, please just help me. And it happened!!!!! The shock hit me in waves, I screamed, I cried, I was in shock. I won 200 000. Holy mother of God. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you......but that wasn't the end of the story.
Over the next week I discovered that my country was going to either confiscate the money or worse...throw me in jail for gambling online. What the fuck!!!!!!!! So angry now. Was this a cruel joke that the devil was playing on me. I bet he was laughing his arse off. Oh God please help me. I want to buy my first real home with my husband, I want to pay off most of the debt, the loans, buy the kids presents, pay off family loans, so much to do. Tell me what to do, please, I'm listening. The more I tried to receive the money in a million different ways, the more apparent it became that that was not going to happen.
So slowly but surely I gambled every cent away in 2 days. Didn't go to work...just carried on like a mindless zombie. And on the last day, after every dime was spent the good lord said to me....check your email. And there it was... someone from support had found a way for me to get my money. HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But the money was gone
Picking up pieces now.
My husband looked at me and said, "Babe its gonna be alright." Don't cry. Everything is going to be alright. So I know I'm done. No matter how many times I try again, I know that that night something died within me. I tried for 14 years for just that one big win. Some people never see it and if they do they probably have worse problems because of it.
So I am starting my journey and needed so desperately to talk to someone or even listen to my fellow recovering addicts. But there was supposed GA meetings, so my husband and I drove around for hours looking for someone to direct us to a meeting and nothing....
Gonna keep trying.
I pray for me now and pray for you. May we find the strength from deep within, to realise this is just an illusion. A very clever trick. An insidious mind game created to lure us away from the truth. The Peter Stuyvesant life. May you all find the joy, the light within that burns and fans those flames. I will help fan yours. Please pray for all our souls. Lead us not into temptation, deliver us from evil, for thy is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen
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