Boundaries
Setting boundaries is difficult, but less painful than ge alternative. I have not heard from DD25 since Friday. Her unwillingness to compromise in a way that wouldn't be hurtful to me keeps me from picking up the phone and just meeting her somewhere. This weekend has been difficult knowing we could have spent time together, but it would have resulted in a broken heart for me. She only wants it all her way and, although I could have given in, it would have caused me heartbreak and pain. Not doing that anymore. To allow someone to hurt you and KNOWING their actions hurt you, isn’t the right thing to do. She wants me to change...accept only her terms and swallow my pain. That isn't who I am. I DO feel pain and have for years at the favoritism my daughters have shown towards their father since the divorce and by only staying at his house. My older two daughters finally have heard me and now I still have to deal with my younger 2. The old saying applies here..."Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me." I've allow ed it more than twice, so shame on me. I now have reached the point of standing up and say, "I'm not taking it anymore." It is easier than seeing my daughter for a couple hours then watching her run back to her father's house. She knows it hurts me but isn't willing to compromise in a way that would make both of us happy. It's been a sad weekend, but I remain proud of myself for taking a stand. I am not angry at DD25 and will continue to love her, but from a distance until she understands that she cannot change how I feel and will have to treat me fairly in order to see me. Given her age, I fully expect not to hear from her and I accept that. For me, it beats the alternative...seeing her and feeling heartache and pain afterwards. Been there, done that. I'm done. I have put on a happy face in front of dh, saying nothing as I know he disagrees with me. He will never understand having his children favor their other parent as he was the full custodial parent and so is obviously the favored one.
I still feel sad, but will not set aside my principals and allow my children to knowingly hurt me anymore. Thank GOD my oldest 2 finally matured enough to understand, so I am holding them close and letting my younger 2 go for a while until they, too can understand they can't change how I feel and how their actions hurt me, so will bend and compromise in order to have me in their lives.
Dh is grilling steaks for dinner with both his sons and grandson here...and me with noone. It will be hard, but, like yesterday, I will keep my distance and do my own thing in my bedroom. I have no closeness with his family and all it does is remind me of my own children not being around.
I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow where I have co-workers who support what I did and can't understand how my children can treat me so unfairly.
Replies
Hon, Hugs. You cannot force them to do anything. They are adults. All you can do is be there for them. They are so sure that we are always in their corner. Give them their space. I went through the same thing. Now my daughter lives with me and my son calls me whenever he can. Call them to let them know that you love them and will be there for them. But you will not put up with any more of their attitude. Hugs
I read what you write and you two are both saying you are right. Your daughter is a lot like you in not wanting to compromise. Give it more time and she may come around.
For three years I only saw my daughter once a year at Thanksgiving. She was daddy's little girl and he milked that for attention. I appreciated what little time I had with her once a year. She is fully back in my life and I hope you and your daughter can be closer very soon.
DD25 and I did not end on bad terms. I did it in a loving manner, but held my ground. I was very specific about why her actions hurt me (when she only stays with her father), yet she was unwilling to bend. I even went further than my original compromise (half at her father's house/half at mine) and told her she could stay with us just the weekend. It wasn't good enough and told her then we would not be seeing each other. I know much of this has to do with immaturity as I went through it with my older 2 as well, but I'm done allowing my children to knowingly hurt me. As long as they know I love them and am here if they need me...that's enough. I got thinking about it, too, that in the year she's been gone living in Maui, I've heard from her a total of 3 times...when she needed money. Not much of a relationship, is it? Someone told me once that kids weren't worth a damn until they reached 30 years old. I now know what they meant. There is a VAST difference between my DDs32 and 31 and DD25. And, so I wait...