Boundaries
Day 8 – 10 of 365 – Man Break
One of the things that many books talk about with being in narcissistic and abusive relationships is about boundaries. I have been reading the book “The Nice Girl Syndrome” which talks a lot about boundaries as well as “How To Spot a Dangerous Man”.
I have been realizing that my boundaries are weak in general. Not just with men but with friends and family as well. In fact looking at all my close relationships I realize how much I have let people walk all over me as well as accepting behavior that is unacceptable.
This weekend is an example. My sister is moving to New Orleans for two years and she asked me if I could store some stuff at her house which I said was fine. So she said she and her boyfriend were going to come up on Saturday, we could have dinner and they would stay overnight to visit before she left and when she was here she would drop a few things off in my basement. I agreed that was a good idea.
Well I find out that my mother and her have made plans about having dinner at my parents’ house which I know nothing of until my mother mentions it. So I said I didn’t know these were the plans but that should be fine with me. So my sister says she will be at my house around 5:00 to drop off the stuff and then we could go to dinner. She lives around 2 hours away. Well around 4:45 p.m. she texts me to say they haven’t even left yet. Nice. So I decide I would take my son and go to my parents and visit and wait for her there. My mother is in a foul mood. You never know what you are going to get with her. One day she’s a perfect sweetheart the next she goes for the jugular. It is exhausting trying to defend myself AND my son when she is in this mood. She actually quit a game we were playing because no one was being serious enough. Nice example to set for my son. Anyway around 6:00 my sister texts to say they’re just leaving! I was pissed: first of all I’m stuck with my mother in this terrible mood, second of all I’m starving and my son will never last until 8:00 p.m. before he eats. I hate how the world revolves around my sister. Well I suggest to my parents that we should order anyway – by the time my sister gets here it will be ready and if it’s cold she could warm hers up and that way the kids could eat. So we do and she saunters in around 8:00 p.m. wolfs down her dinner and then gets my Dad to help her unpack this u-haul she brought. She leaves some stuff there and the rest goes to my house. So we start unpacking at around 9:00 p.m. and don’t finish until about 11:00 p.m. She’s storing her stuff in our basement and leaves all this other stuff she thought I might like in my living room. (Which means I have to go through all this crap to get rid of the mess). As soon as she’s done unpacking she leaves. She has no time to visit us or chat with her niece and nephew before she leaves nor does she seem to care. It feels like the only reason she came in the first place was to bring her stuff – not to see us.
I was furious. First of all she never asked me anything except could I store her stuff in my basement. She didn’t ask me about dinner at my parents. She didn’t ask if I would mind helping drag all her furniture and crap down my basement stairs. She didn’t stay overnight even though I got the house all ready for her to do so. I spent my Saturday night moving her crap (and I was already exhausted because the week before I had been up late several nights to get some transcription done to bring in some extra money) because she was behind schedule and didn’t plan better. It didn’t affect her in the least.
I was crying with frustration because I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to be mean before she left. I was a doormat. She had absolutely no consideration for me and my kids whatsoever. It’s always completely about her.
My son and daughter were upset because I was upset. My son lied on his bed and cried and asked why his family doesn’t love him. My mother is constantly picking at him and yelling. My brother has not spoken to our family in over 7 years. My sister only thinks of herself. And my ex – his father - hasn’t spoken to him in 17 months. What can I say to the kid? How do I help him deal with something even I don’t understand and struggle to come to terms with?
I told him I loved him and his sister loved him and that’s all that counted. That it wasn’t him that was the problem it was the people in our lives who had problems. I have surrounded him with a sea of narcissism and it’s my fault.
But I agree with him. That’s how I feel. There is no one there for us.
If we cut ties with the few people we have in our lives (of which all of whom are very selfish and unsupportive) who will we have left? But on the other hand is it better to have no one and be healthy on our own than subject ourselves to this up and down all the time? Can I set boundaries with my mother without cutting her off altogether? How do I set boundaries with people who are so used to me being the doormat?
I need to do something because it breaks my heart that my son feels this way and I can’t keep struggling with this. How come I am the happiest when it is just the three of us?
One of the things that many books talk about with being in narcissistic and abusive relationships is about boundaries. I have been reading the book “The Nice Girl Syndrome” which talks a lot about boundaries as well as “How To Spot a Dangerous Man”.
I have been realizing that my boundaries are weak in general. Not just with men but with friends and family as well. In fact looking at all my close relationships I realize how much I have let people walk all over me as well as accepting behavior that is unacceptable.
This weekend is an example. My sister is moving to New Orleans for two years and she asked me if I could store some stuff at her house which I said was fine. So she said she and her boyfriend were going to come up on Saturday, we could have dinner and they would stay overnight to visit before she left and when she was here she would drop a few things off in my basement. I agreed that was a good idea.
Well I find out that my mother and her have made plans about having dinner at my parents’ house which I know nothing of until my mother mentions it. So I said I didn’t know these were the plans but that should be fine with me. So my sister says she will be at my house around 5:00 to drop off the stuff and then we could go to dinner. She lives around 2 hours away. Well around 4:45 p.m. she texts me to say they haven’t even left yet. Nice. So I decide I would take my son and go to my parents and visit and wait for her there. My mother is in a foul mood. You never know what you are going to get with her. One day she’s a perfect sweetheart the next she goes for the jugular. It is exhausting trying to defend myself AND my son when she is in this mood. She actually quit a game we were playing because no one was being serious enough. Nice example to set for my son. Anyway around 6:00 my sister texts to say they’re just leaving! I was pissed: first of all I’m stuck with my mother in this terrible mood, second of all I’m starving and my son will never last until 8:00 p.m. before he eats. I hate how the world revolves around my sister. Well I suggest to my parents that we should order anyway – by the time my sister gets here it will be ready and if it’s cold she could warm hers up and that way the kids could eat. So we do and she saunters in around 8:00 p.m. wolfs down her dinner and then gets my Dad to help her unpack this u-haul she brought. She leaves some stuff there and the rest goes to my house. So we start unpacking at around 9:00 p.m. and don’t finish until about 11:00 p.m. She’s storing her stuff in our basement and leaves all this other stuff she thought I might like in my living room. (Which means I have to go through all this crap to get rid of the mess). As soon as she’s done unpacking she leaves. She has no time to visit us or chat with her niece and nephew before she leaves nor does she seem to care. It feels like the only reason she came in the first place was to bring her stuff – not to see us.
I was furious. First of all she never asked me anything except could I store her stuff in my basement. She didn’t ask me about dinner at my parents. She didn’t ask if I would mind helping drag all her furniture and crap down my basement stairs. She didn’t stay overnight even though I got the house all ready for her to do so. I spent my Saturday night moving her crap (and I was already exhausted because the week before I had been up late several nights to get some transcription done to bring in some extra money) because she was behind schedule and didn’t plan better. It didn’t affect her in the least.
I was crying with frustration because I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to be mean before she left. I was a doormat. She had absolutely no consideration for me and my kids whatsoever. It’s always completely about her.
My son and daughter were upset because I was upset. My son lied on his bed and cried and asked why his family doesn’t love him. My mother is constantly picking at him and yelling. My brother has not spoken to our family in over 7 years. My sister only thinks of herself. And my ex – his father - hasn’t spoken to him in 17 months. What can I say to the kid? How do I help him deal with something even I don’t understand and struggle to come to terms with?
I told him I loved him and his sister loved him and that’s all that counted. That it wasn’t him that was the problem it was the people in our lives who had problems. I have surrounded him with a sea of narcissism and it’s my fault.
But I agree with him. That’s how I feel. There is no one there for us.
If we cut ties with the few people we have in our lives (of which all of whom are very selfish and unsupportive) who will we have left? But on the other hand is it better to have no one and be healthy on our own than subject ourselves to this up and down all the time? Can I set boundaries with my mother without cutting her off altogether? How do I set boundaries with people who are so used to me being the doormat?
I need to do something because it breaks my heart that my son feels this way and I can’t keep struggling with this. How come I am the happiest when it is just the three of us?
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