Bottom???

WHEN AM I GOING TO HIT BOTTOM???? I will think I have found the bottom, that I've hit it and can only go up, but it's just an illusion...waves of pain wash over me and the bottom drops lower...I think "I have been here already, I am supposed to be going back up". If I could hit bottom, the real bottom, maybe I could push off with my feet and lunge towards the surface.
I am obsessed with everything Cassi...just obsessed...as if by finding out more I can change the outcome. The outcome won't be changed. She's gone. In one horrible moment everything was changed...her future gone, the future I had planned, gone...Yet I still keep reaching out, knowing I may fight out things that will hurt me, I just feel like I HAVE to know everything!!!
There are no happy endings in suicides, are there???

Replies

zzztop
zzztop

i,AM SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS i WENT THROUGH IT TO. I LOOKED THROUGH HER STUFF SHE KEPT JOURNALS I READ THEM OVER AND OVER AND OVER, I THOUGHT OF HER EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. JUST LIKE YOU, IT AS PART OF THE GRIEFING PROCESS I THINK IF YOUR CHILD COMMITS SUICIDE IT IS SO HORRIBLE FOR EVERY ONE I THINK IN YOUR HEAD IT IS LIKE SO UNREAL THAT A CHILD COULD BE SO UNHAPPY THEY TOOK THEIR OWN LIFE. AND IT IS LIKE SEARCHING FOR JUST ANYTHING TO RELIEVE YOUR MIND USUALLY THE PARENTS BLAME THEM SELFS. I BLAMED MYSELF THAT MY DAUGHTER DIED FROM LUPUS. I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE MORE FOR HER, I COULD HAVE CLEANED HER HOUSE, JUST ALL KINDS OF THINGS. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TURMOIL IN YOU RIGHT NOW IT HAS NOT BEEN THAT LONG. WHAT MOTHER MAKES PPPPPLANS HFOR THEIR KIDS TO DIE. WE DON,T EVEN KNOW IT , HOW DO YOU PREPARE A DEATH?? YOUR CHILDS, YOU DON,T SO WE HAVE THE GRIEVING PROCESS IT IS HORRIBLE TO GO THROUGH BUT IN ORDER TO ACCEPT THIS PART OF YOUR LIFE YOU HAVE TO. OBCESSION, CRYING, ANXIETY, DEEP DISPAIR. EMPTYNESS. IT TAKES ALONG TIME TO FEEL A LITTLE NORMAL AGAIN. THE FIRST 2 YEARS FOR ME I THOUGH I WAS GOING INSANE I CRYED SO HARD MY EYES ALL SWELLED UP FOR DAYS. SLEEPING. ON MEDICATION. PLUS I HAD TO GO TO HER HOME AND CLEAN HER HOME OUT BRING HER DDOGS TO MY HOME. THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS IN THE DEATH OF YOUR ONLY CHILD NO MATTER HOW THEY DIED. IT IS ALL HORRIBLE. I WISH I KNEW THE WORDS TO HELP YOU. BUT I DON,T I DON,T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY MY DAUGHTER, MOTHER, BROTHER FATHER, GRAND PARENTS AUNTS UNCLES BEST GIRLFRIEND ALL GONE. IT IS NORMAL WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH TRY TO REST I(I KNOW THAT IS NOT EASY ) BLESS YOUR ANGEL, HUGS AND AND STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH THIS HARD TIME. LOVE MARY ANN..
deleted_user
deleted_user

Gina, I am so with you. I feel it and I hate it! I hate that we have to go through this!. The waves are driving me crazy! I am crying for you right now. I wish I could give you a big hug and make your pain, our pain go away!. Our pain is so new. So raw. I don\'t have many words of wisdom but I know I guess time will help us. I try to get myself involved in bereavement groups for parents that have lost a child ONLY. It seems to help a bit. I started going back to church and started to go to bible study..(don\'t know why..lol) Just trying to keep myself and my youngest daughter occupied and surround myself with people who care and are supportive. I hope the wave starts to calm down for you. Lots of love and hugs!!!! Danielle
jmk1973
jmk1973

The journey of grief is full of roller coaster like, ups and downs. You think you are okay one minute and then BAM!!! Something knocks you down again. What you are going through, while it is horrible, is normal. There is no easy way to deaal with the highs and lows, other than to just give into them. Cry, scream, kick a door, throw things, whatever you need to do, just do it!! Believe it or not, it will help!!

((((HUGS))))....Julia
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

Oh my dear Gina. I wish I could say that it will be better tomorrow. The enormity is unbelievable, trying to make sense of something that should not be. I was down there for a very long time and occasionally still visit.
All I can say is feel the feelings and let them out. Yell, scream, punch pillows (I just noticed that Julia said the same thing - be sure you have shoes on if you kick the door!). We get through it one minute at a time.
I wish I could be there to give you a huge hug and cry with youl
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

I don\'t know about hitting your bottom because for me I have hit bottom countless times. Each time coming up slowly only when I was ready to and always so many bubble watchers waiting to give me their hand. None of this is linear and makes not a bit of sense and cycling through the feelings and emotions becomes a new way of being.

The obsession is very real and needed. How can you not be thinking about and trying to remember and find out all that you can? Some days it just hurt too much for me to hear anything more about my son and other days I just couldn\'t get enough and everything in-between.

All I can say is hold on tight and know that you are surviving this and will survive even if you are not sure or how? I had to find something greater than me to hold onto.

With you and I care~ Keep journaling, seeking, crying, getting it out, wondering, talking to Cassi and asking for what you need just for this moment. You matter as does your intense and immense sorrow and grief.

Loving care,
XO Joanie
CFMOM2
CFMOM2

Sending you vibes of healing and peace. I am with you in heart!!!!
RememberKala
RememberKala

Like Joanie, I feel I hit my bottom over and over again during those first two years. THIS IS SO HARD!!!!

No wisdom to share...but I do share HOPE and LOVE.

Holding you tightly with my whole heart~~Teri
connilla
connilla

I don\'t know if we will every hit bottom...some days it feels like we are there and then something else happens. I just know that by taking baby steps and letting all my emotions out really helped me along this journey. All these wonderful moms also had a big impact also....xoxo to all of you.
BinkyH
BinkyH

There is no bottom. After five years for me, the pain still washes over me, but with less intensity and also, it is something I am used to now...A part of me, so to speak. Don\'t wait for a \"bottom\". Take it a step at a time,, a day at a time, a month at a time and believe me, before you now it, it will be years. And stay with us! We are here with you, each step of the way. Not necessarily stronger or wiser, but we have passed where you are.
Peace