Boo-urns!
So when I was 15 I fainted. Not very epic really. But it was enough that my mother couldn't let it go. I don't remember fainting, when I woke up I was confused, in my mind I had walked down the stairs to my bedroom, but here I was lying on the kitchen floor. She made me lay on the couch and miss school for two weeks. I went to numerous exams. All sorts of brain scans and what not.
That's when they told me that my heart wasn't functioning at full capacity. That I had to slow it down. Alot. I used to run. Every morning and sometimes at night too. I was fit, I felt healthy, and I was happy. But the doctors said no more running. I had to sit out most gym classes at school as well. Do you know what they make you do instead when you can't get physical? I had to read manual after manual on sport game rules and do tests on it. Really? Do you know how dreadful it is to spend over an hour reading about the official rules of badminton??
So anyone, skip to the future. The doctor has said that my heart is doing better. That I can start running again.
Here's my dilemma. When they put the kabosh on my running as a teen I was furious. I tried to run, but after awhile I had to stop at the end of every block and sit down, I was so dizzy and my legs would go numb. So I quit. Now I have the go ahead, and I can't do it. The doc said to only start every three days. And I get all ready, then run half a block, and walk.
Is it because I'm out of shape? Partially yes. But even in the shape I'm in now, I could do more then a block before taking a break. Yesterday I put on my running gear, pulled out my shoes(they are older then dirt lol) and got ready. Then I sat on the step by the door and cried. After a bit I took off my shoes, tossed them in the very back of the closet and went and changed.
It seems silly, but when I was a kid, dying seemed impossible. And if I did die, so what? Or that was how it seemed. Now all I see is me dying and leaving Marlow with no mother. And I'm terrified to start in case that happens. I know, the doc said it was okay, but they aren't always right. What if it happens? Joey would tell me 'you could get hit by a bus just as easy.' And that's true. But I can't control that bus, but I can control the running.
The fartherst I've made it without copping out was three blocks. Then the burn in my chest started, the feeling where you need more air sort of dealy. And I panicked. I now it's a normal feeling, but I started to feel sick. Mentally made of course, I was fine.
I just can't get past this stupid running block. And the kicker? When I get all panicky I eat, so now I've gained almost 5lbs since I got the go ahead to run.
That's when they told me that my heart wasn't functioning at full capacity. That I had to slow it down. Alot. I used to run. Every morning and sometimes at night too. I was fit, I felt healthy, and I was happy. But the doctors said no more running. I had to sit out most gym classes at school as well. Do you know what they make you do instead when you can't get physical? I had to read manual after manual on sport game rules and do tests on it. Really? Do you know how dreadful it is to spend over an hour reading about the official rules of badminton??
So anyone, skip to the future. The doctor has said that my heart is doing better. That I can start running again.
Here's my dilemma. When they put the kabosh on my running as a teen I was furious. I tried to run, but after awhile I had to stop at the end of every block and sit down, I was so dizzy and my legs would go numb. So I quit. Now I have the go ahead, and I can't do it. The doc said to only start every three days. And I get all ready, then run half a block, and walk.
Is it because I'm out of shape? Partially yes. But even in the shape I'm in now, I could do more then a block before taking a break. Yesterday I put on my running gear, pulled out my shoes(they are older then dirt lol) and got ready. Then I sat on the step by the door and cried. After a bit I took off my shoes, tossed them in the very back of the closet and went and changed.
It seems silly, but when I was a kid, dying seemed impossible. And if I did die, so what? Or that was how it seemed. Now all I see is me dying and leaving Marlow with no mother. And I'm terrified to start in case that happens. I know, the doc said it was okay, but they aren't always right. What if it happens? Joey would tell me 'you could get hit by a bus just as easy.' And that's true. But I can't control that bus, but I can control the running.
The fartherst I've made it without copping out was three blocks. Then the burn in my chest started, the feeling where you need more air sort of dealy. And I panicked. I now it's a normal feeling, but I started to feel sick. Mentally made of course, I was fine.
I just can't get past this stupid running block. And the kicker? When I get all panicky I eat, so now I've gained almost 5lbs since I got the go ahead to run.
Replies
Take the pressure off of yourself. Don\'t try and run for now. Maybe get a second opinion from another doctor or ideally a cardiologist. Is there a support group for people with your particular heart condition? My guess is that others have been through the same thing and can reassure you that you\'ll be ok.
Get life insurance for Marlow in case anything happens to either of you. That might help you feel more in control (and I acknowledge that money\'s not the cause of the distress, it\'s the terrifying thought that Marlow could lose a parent like you did, with all that led to =(
When I freak myself out with fear, part of my solution is to get reassurance from credible sources. Another part is to get help from my counsellor. Another part is to make myself \'just do it\'. But I need the rational/logical reassurance and counsellor pep talk first.
You can also get perfectly adequate exercise by doing other things like walking, or exercising at home. If you exercise at home while Joey is there, you will have the reassurance that if you get unwell, he is there to help.
You are trying to keep alot of different balls in the air at the moment, so be gentle with yourself. You\'ll get there.