body so strong
stronger than my head.
I wrote this earlier to my doctor -
and I have to say that having community is so great - amongst other things
it helps to alleviate the pressure of dealing with life alone. Having the chores
that I have to do during the day - needing to be somewhere for some one
gives such blessings - I don't know how to describe it other than - a part of me
relaxes - and my own worries fall into the background and melt away.
So grateful for the communities I am a part of :)
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I think I need to try and live a normal life.
The rules side of things here at the monastery is so harsh and not good for my mental health and my hyper regimentation outside of church is maybe a sign of my need, A double sided reality. A need for a healthy structure and community in society when living out there- and a healthy need for
play in the monastic life - when living here at the monastery - oh for the love of life that's balanced -
as my therapist said "with my condition I am smart enough to figure it out but not able to sustain it"
Maybe I chose this monastic life because it was a positive affirmation of my version of my home life? (out there indepedently)
Just what I needed or what I could do in life?- for my own skills and condition too?
I realize judgment sometimes goes both ways from the outside world and outward towards
the outside world - here at and from the monastery -
judgement outward to society manifest with critique of certain kinds of life and just from society unto
the monastics - another certain kind of life
Yet maybe there isn't so much judgement from those who have understanding - I really appreciate our spirituality for when we can’t be strong - I believe so much in the ethic of keeping strong for each other. compassion
and empathy
After writing this I have an alternative solution. I gave a priest a lot of attitude behind
the iconostasis today - and I felt so bad because I was so angry and blind to the others
how I responded to him - I didn't like what I did -
but after - I apologized to the priest and I apologized to the abbess and wrote the elder.
It gave me relief finally to get back to work for the group - and that was my remedy -
the elder talks about how dark forces in life will try and divide you from others.
and yes poor conduct today did exactly that -
just getting back to work for the group made all seem ok -and I settled down and calmed inside - it made me see that it wasn't that big of a deal - that it's the sort of thing that happens
and maybe the love for the monastery and the community here is right for me - for my
my strengths and attributes - I am strong in some ways - not in others. When I am happy in myself I seem to reject
the extreme rules - but then when faced with structure like the rules I fall apart and got very angry today - until I finally just
accepted being in this community - and I found a kind of sense of peace -
anyways - this feels dark to write about it - maybe it also highlights the importance of having a healthy community outside of the monastery as well should I ever go and live 'out there' again as well!
Replies
I’m also starting to see that self compassion is so important as well as compassion for other individuals and the group(s). There may be disappointments in myself in my ability as well as the abilities of others or things that happen the discomfort happen we’re all together and magnanimity is important to hold onto. Today’s not a good day for me, but I’m trying my best.
Seems as though we both haven't had the easiest of days and felt that our compassion is lacking. I think we are human and these things happen. At least we recognise when it happens, this in itself means that we are trying to be good caring people. Can see you always try your best Mark. Hope the week ahead is better you.
Thanks Rich!!! ((((Hug))))) have a good week!!
i grow ever more convinced that making amends for the times i hurt people is among the more important studies of my recovery road. the honest and humble clearing of the air opens the door to a deeper contemplation and understanding of the psycho snot knots attached to the actions while nurturing a broader, more effective compassion for those who "do unto me."
healing hopes for all. no exceptions.
thanks arfie! I'm losing it.