Blunderbuss

 That is what I feel like, I feel like I have been shot out of a blunderbuss spinning and hurling without any sort of control again. That I'm just grinding through life right now. I'm fucked up as I write this, not on any sort of conventional drug, but rather the need to cut again. Its like I've taken the first dose of something powerful for the night, and before the night is over I'm going to cut my arms and bleed again. 
 
I'm not "healthy", I never was "healthy", I'm just slowly going more and more insane before I die off. 
 
And as for the mood thing, I think thats irrelevant at this point, right now I feel horrible, but I think its progress in a different light. I think its something I don't understand/ comprehend yet, and when I do, I will be on a new level. I'm climbing the steps to insanity