Blue Skies

Ah, the letdown of the lover leaving.  My boyfriend Dan lives 3.5 hours away, and he just left today, having been here since sunday.  He has a job near me now, YAY!!! It is always wonderful to have him here, but my diet goes to pot when he's around, LOL!  He's a vegetarian tending toward vegan, and is definitely interested in raw food, but is not quite there yet.  He also loves beer, so I end up having a couple when he is here.  That's not as bad as the pizza we had last night!  I had to work, so he said he would figure out something for dinner, and that's what he decided on.  Not a prob, haven't had pizza in a LONG while...man oh man, did I ever realize why!  The gas, bloating, and general feeling of malaise made me long for a salad and a big glass of water!  Thankfully, we are at the point where I can fart around him  Hehehe...anyhoo, I'm sad to see him leave, but relieved as well to be returning to what has become my normal.  Juicing in the day, eating lots of raw fruits and vegetables.  Being consistent with my herbal detox formula, and exercising (almost) daily.  It's really amazing what a difference clean living makes!  I'm addicted to 'feeling light'.  Cuz the alternative is really nasty, and makes me feel very irritable.   I'm really grateful that I have found this site.  The encouragement and support from people I have met in the discussions here have given me the courage to be honest with myself, and I'm learning to be a lot less hard on myself.  By focusing on this, instead of seeing an occasional dalliance with caffeine or sugar etc. as a massive character flaw, I've managed to avoid a lot of stress and the binges that generally accompany feelings of self-hatred! I am currently around the point of ovulation in my cycle, and I've come to realize that I get very depressed the closer I get to menstruation.  I'm hoping to see a reduction in this particular symptom this month, given all of this nutrients that I've been blessing my body with in the past couple of weeks.  Truth be told though, I've developed a fondness for this bitch that takes over.  Being really angry or depressed can make you really appreciate the good times, bizarre as that is.  I have a long history of being suicidal.  Just this past year, I came to the realization that, since I believe in reincarnation, self-deliverance ain't that swell an idea, being that I really don't feel like going through growing up again anytime soon!  Also, finding a kindred spirit the likes of Dan has given me hope and strength for the coming days of Earth.  I guess what I am getting at in a round-about way is that we never stop growing and learning, and all of the effort I have put into my journey towards wholeness is paying off.  I feel as though I am seeing the light of the new dawn...surprised, because I thought it was still so close to midnight.   Ayiyiyi...I am waxing poetic here, listening to Bruce Cockburn, hahaha..."some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me"... I was raging at God a couple weeks ago, letting him know how much of an asshole I thought he was.  I remember once relaying this feeling to a friend, who gasped as though I had committed a sacrilege.  God's a big boy, he can handle my feelings about him I'm sure.  See, I've always had a strong faith in God.  Not one that has ever been saddled by dogma, but rather a pure, child-like knowing that there was something much greater than everything I knew.  I would 'pray' (my family was not religious; my father was an atheistic; my mother always said 'good nite and god bless you' but that was about it:) to God, and felt like I was being heard. I don't think of God as 'my father who art in heaven'; I prefer to think of him as a friend, like confidante that I can talk to anywhere, knows me better than anyone, and I don't have to ask him if he can keep a secret.  Interestingly, I still view the female aspect of the divine as Mother.  I don't quite have that comrade feeling for her.  I think I still fear her more than him...wow!  That just came out!  That speaks volumes about my personal journey...I look forward to exploring that...so, back to why I was cross with the big guy.  A friend of mine is dying of cancer, one of an unfortunate many in my town who seem to be dealing with this.  She is a great person, a loving mother, a compassionate soul...so I got rather upset one day at the fact that this so-called omnipotent being would let bad things happen to people like her.  My rational, intellectual Spirit had all the answers, but my emotional, passionate Will would not listen.  It felt really good to admit these feelings.  Since releasing my rage towards 'him', I have gained a better understanding of just what is happening and why.  Earth is all about choice.  This is the place where we can exercise our greatest gift, free will.  The true assholes in this story are the voices that pray on our fear of death and tell us that chemotherapy is the only way.  Chemo has it's place; and IS effective when used in the right context.  But too often, as in this case, it is not.  Cancer for her and all those who 'choose' to go through it is an opportunity for growth (pardon the pun).  If the Soul is truly immortal, than perhaps her Soul's mission was to explore the sacredness of the gift of life.  Perhaps this battle has helped to awaken her.  Perhaps she has learned a greater appreciation for love: that of a mother, wife, lover and friend.  Perhaps she will come away from this experience with an awareness of the vastness of All-that-is.    Her family, friends, and all those who she (and the many like her) have leaned on in their struggle are learning the power of community, prayer, and presence.  Every aspect of every day becomes more poignant and at the same time trivial when coping with disease and death...and we learn that nothing really matters in life but the friends you have to share it with.  If I could request one thing of the reader that manages to reach the end of this ramble, it would be to take the time to tell someone how much you love and value them in your life. Namaste "Faith is the bird that sense the light and sings while the dawn is still dark."  -Rabindranath Tagore