Blessings vs Tragedy
Thanks be to God that I have not been inflicted with something life threatening.
I need to write down daily all the things I have been blessed with so I can see that what I am feeling, this void, is just temporary and will not dwell in my forever. I am not 100% sad (blessing 1) so that is always a good sign. I think I am just angry at him. And even then, that too is not at 100% (blessing 2) I don't want to have ill feelings towards him. I feel so guilty the moment I do, I ask for forgiveness quickly, I don't want to reap what I sow if it is ill will. I just get caught in moments where I think to myself "how can you allow yourself to be used, why are you so weak and why were you so stupid, you knew you were being used, why did you go back to that."
"No point in dwelling" I tell myself, It doesn't matter, No point in:
1. wanting to ask him why he wants to divorce me so fast, does he have a new woman ready to bring in?
2. wanting to check his email
3. wanting to stalk him via apps he has loaded
4. wanting to ask "why cant we make it work, why did you use me"
Thank God I have not asked or mentioned this. All I did say yesterday was "I am hurt and sad, sad that I am going to lose you" That is it. I will not ask for him back (I don't even want him back! I am just SCARED)
why is fear so much bigger than a person? Why does the unknown bring about such worrisome feelings? why cant it just be a big ball of "alright, New stuff!" especially when what you were currently in sucked. Why am I so scared that I will never bear children, not marry again, why do these things have to be in my head daily. Why cant I just say "hey, thank God I am alive, good enough, I have my parents, a roof, a job, love from friends"
why am I so blind. I have more blessings that tragedy, why cant I see that. God help me to see.
I need to write down daily all the things I have been blessed with so I can see that what I am feeling, this void, is just temporary and will not dwell in my forever. I am not 100% sad (blessing 1) so that is always a good sign. I think I am just angry at him. And even then, that too is not at 100% (blessing 2) I don't want to have ill feelings towards him. I feel so guilty the moment I do, I ask for forgiveness quickly, I don't want to reap what I sow if it is ill will. I just get caught in moments where I think to myself "how can you allow yourself to be used, why are you so weak and why were you so stupid, you knew you were being used, why did you go back to that."
"No point in dwelling" I tell myself, It doesn't matter, No point in:
1. wanting to ask him why he wants to divorce me so fast, does he have a new woman ready to bring in?
2. wanting to check his email
3. wanting to stalk him via apps he has loaded
4. wanting to ask "why cant we make it work, why did you use me"
Thank God I have not asked or mentioned this. All I did say yesterday was "I am hurt and sad, sad that I am going to lose you" That is it. I will not ask for him back (I don't even want him back! I am just SCARED)
why is fear so much bigger than a person? Why does the unknown bring about such worrisome feelings? why cant it just be a big ball of "alright, New stuff!" especially when what you were currently in sucked. Why am I so scared that I will never bear children, not marry again, why do these things have to be in my head daily. Why cant I just say "hey, thank God I am alive, good enough, I have my parents, a roof, a job, love from friends"
why am I so blind. I have more blessings that tragedy, why cant I see that. God help me to see.
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