I want to send everyone New Years blessings, but can't figure out this new interface and not feeling well enough today to fiddle with it. So to whoever reads my journal, bless you my friend, I wish you the very best of blessings in 2017.
I also want to say thank you to my friends who never fail to remember me, Ruthie, Di, Darla, Heather I bless your hearts, I pray for you and I thank you for caring about me. I wish for you smooth sailing and tons of blessings in 2017.
Sharing below my 2016 retrospective...
As I started the last day of 2016 my spirit was unsettled. There was so much I wanted to share about my experience of the year, but I couldn't find the right words...
Then I came across a book titled 'Conversations with God'. I saw interviews with the author Neale Donald Walsch and he gave me the words I had been searching for.
--"In order for life to make sense you've got to be out of your mind.."--
You already know that in 2016 I lost custody of my son,a pre-existing diagnosis of bipolar disorder as well as the continuing impact of CFS were key factors in that decision. As I walked through the months of legal battles I saw friendships fall away and I let go of relationships that I thought were my foundation. I stood alone in the face of the harshest judgement I have ever received in my life. I faced every fear, insecurity, sense of failure..every indictment I could heap upon myself, or receive from others. I thought that I would lose my mind .. but instead I found it.
--"When you see life from the perspective of the soul, even in the worst of it you begin to see the gift."--
I struggled to find the words to describe my experience of 2016 because how does one express an instinctual knowing, even as you walk through your own personal hell, that there was a beauty and dignity and grace to the process that was exactly what it needed to be?
--"Every situation that presents itself, is a gift to us by life, creating a context in which we get to express and experience at the next level who we really are."--
I gave up in 2016. I let go of God, I let go of my child, I let go of my hopes, my dreams, my desires. I simply let go... Until one day I woke up and realized who I really am, a powerful, indomitable, resilient, magnificent child of God. I also realized the profound realness of my connection to God, a connection that could not be given up or walked away from, because it is the very essence of who I am.
Years ago I chose to view the challenges of my illness as spiritual exercise. I kept that perspective as every area of my life fell apart in 2016. And I am genuinely grateful for the ability to see wisdom and beauty of it all. Even as I walk through this my own personal crucible, I sense that I am growing into the fullness of a truly magnificent God energy.
-- "Have I self realized? I have not, not even close. But I am closer. Because I am on the other side of a powerful experience, where I learned what was really important." --
Many years ago I looked at my life and set the goal of self-actualization. I thought actualization would be just more of what I already had. I thought it would be a smooth sail into more opportunity, more growth, more achievement, more advancement, more contribution.
Self-actualization means achievement of one's full potential. At the beginning of the year I wrote a book and it speaks to dumping the baggage and reclaiming that which truly belongs to you. When I wrote the book I had not yet learned the lessons that it taught. The year forced me to grow into my own message. I had to let go of the things that stood in the way of my ability to achieve my full potential.
Anger,hostility, frustration, defensiveness and judgement are but a few of the pieces I had to jettison. I learned to ditch the baggage that came with CFS.. insecurity, powerlessness, self pity, despair...I learned to cultivate mindfully forgiveness, tolerance, acceptance, compassion and grace. I have long known and embraced these values, but in this year I learned to apply these to the person who needed them most ..myself.
I let go of CFS. I'm not well by any means, but I choose not to make CFS the central theme of my life. In that approach I have managed to find peace in my journey with this condition.
But I am a work in progress, I still have my bad days but predominantly I am able to find peace in the midst of the storm and I am able to see beyond the storm. I am able to embrace hope. I laugh, I sing, I dream. I let things go more easily, I forgive more readily, I worry less, I smile more, I am learning patience and I am more loving to myself and to others. It is a wonderful unfolding.
-- "Thank you God for this gift that I would not be able to perceive had I not embraced the perspective of the soul."--
Another powerful gift of 2016 has been a very real demonstration of God's power in my life and in the life of my son. Doors have opened and circumstances have conspired to provide for myself and my child in amazing, unexpected and abundant ways. I can truly say I have been blessed, prospered and protected in 2016.
So I end the year more physically fragile than I have been in many years. I end the year with the loss of my dog,my 'second child', my faithful companion of eight years. But I end the year with gratitude in my heart for the blessings of the year, incredible blessings, in a life changing year.
PS : MY son was allowed to spend the holidays with me. We were able to mourn the loss of our dog together and it was wonderful to decorate together, cook together and even ring in the new year together. What a wonderful blessing.
-- "Your soul has placed in front of you, the information for which you have been longing".--
Bless you my friends, I would wish for you a new year that has no challenges and only joy. But I know now that the greatest joy comes from the mining of the precious gifts which come with every challenge. Gifts of healing, gifts of wisdom, gifts of grace...
So I wish for you in 2017 the ability to recognize and embrace your gifts of grace.
--""When you are surrounded with darkness, raise not your fist to heaven, curse the darkness not, but use the darkness that you might know who you really are."-- Neale Donald Walsch
I pray for each of you my dear friends, that you will allow your journey with CFS to show you who you really are.