Blarghhh

Floaty, again! Like I’m a being that exists outside of existence, looking in on everything through the glass of a giant snowglobe. Meaningless, nothing, and swirling snow. 

And I cried at school. Not much, but the fact that I did is.. significant. Pounding head, crying, unending feeling of sadness and unfulfilment. Tired. Doing everything to try to cheer myself up, but nothing works. Anxiety. What do they think? What does that mean? 

Existential thoughts. Deep thoughts. Meaningless thoughts. Philosophy, universe, quantum, love, humanity. Meaning. History. Theme. Want. 

Even people’s care and love... just.. doesn’t affect me. I don’t really feel much. If people pat my head or hug me and tell me it’ll be okay or ask me what’s wrong. That I’m in their prayers every night. I just can’t REACT. It’s not working! 

I’m tired of being obligated to do things for others, tired of berating myself, tired of being fake happy, tired of hiding myself away. Tired of feeling the way I feel, and just tired of being me.

The world feels so brutal and I feel so small. Fragile. I feel like I’ll be crushed if I go out there. I can’t even seem to sit through schoool and family without feeling tired to hell and hopeless.

Overthinking. Arrangement. Holy. Respect. Entirety. Socrates. Seminar. Fear. Encouragement. Arrangement. Arrangement. Stardew. Seeds. Plot. Soil. Chicken. 

Words, words, and words. Just typing whatever comes to my mind (literally). Like the first word you think of as associated to another word?

PS I’ve been writing a lot of journals to myself lately, just cause it seemed like I’m just writing the same stuff over and over and people donmt need to see that. But maybe that’s an unhealthy way of thinking about it.