Black Clouds Again

I was on such a high the first of the week, then the storm clouds moved in. I have cried so much today...getting ahead of myself, forgetting to live this journey one day at a time.
I let my worries get away from me...growing old alone, having no one to pass my treasures on to.
If I die naturally, I have a long time to go. It will be a long, lonely time till I see my baby again. But maybe things will get better, maybe.
I am still afraid of life, afraid of living, afraid of everything. I just hide in my cave and reminisce about the good times and the bad times I had with my child which flew by so fast. When I force myself out, most of the time I feel good about it afterwards. It's the getting ready to go, the preparations, the dread, the anxiety and fear of panic...it's what keeps me home and safe. But I truly don't want to live out the rest of my life as a hermit.
It's such a cruel contradiction...feeling the urge to move forward while not being able to abandon the past. It's like one foot in the past and one foot in the present/future. I can be in a group of people who are happy and smiling, and I am too, and it will hit me. I feel like a fraud or imposter. How dare I laugh when my daughter suffered so. How can I be happy, a mother without a child. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, so I stay home with Steve and our dogs, but are we wasting our lives???
 
I am all over the place, hope some of you understand my thoughts, just wanted to get them down before I go to bed. I am exhausted

Replies

BinkyH
BinkyH

Hugs Gina. I love you. I do not know the feeling of having no child left but I have been getting rid of Michael\'s \"treasures\". I am moving to another state and have to \"download\" on belongings, so looking and loving each thing that was Michael\'s but then putting it in the trash. He is not here for me to pass it on to. I have said that I have one foot here on earth and one in heaven. Hugs dear friend. XOXO Belinda
zzztop
zzztop

I WAS JUST LIKE YOU WHEN I LOST M Y DAUGHTER, I WOULD GO A WEEK FEELING GOOD AS GOOD AS I COULD. THEN OUT OF THE BLUE I WOULD BE IN THE DEPTH OF DISPAIR, CRYING UNTIL I FELL ASLEEP. MY EYES SWOLLEN AN D BURNING AND THE DEPRESSION WOULD START AGAIN. GRIEF IS A LIFE TIME PROCESS. I WILL NOR COULD I EVER JUST FORGET MY DAUGHTER. LIKE ALL THE M OMS ON HERE. BLESS YOUR ANGEL . LOTS OF BIG HUGS MARY ANN
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

Oh Gina. I can so understand your feelings. The damned roller coaster is so fricking unpredictable. I believe your feelings are part and parcel of this whole process. After 6 years, I can tell myself that \'this too shall pass\'. But it isn\'t easy.
I can relate to the \"urge to move forward while not being able to abandon the past\". You have said that so well. It is a tightrope that we walk. We want to be there where our precious girls were giving us joy - and trials and tribulations. I look at a photo on our bedroom wall. It is of Lisa, Andrew and Joe when the kids were 7 and 9 years old. Joe was rowing a boat on Windemere Lake in England. Andrew and Lisa were laughing. That photo makes me smile and cry. I remember that day so well.
I\'m not sure where I am going with this. I guess it is that we remember the wonderful times and the frustrating times and it is all part of us. So we smile and cry. You are moving - but this journey is like climbing a hill of pebbles. One step up and a half step back. It is scary, painstaking, frustrating.
I know I am not the same person. I never will be. I will never say again \"I love my life\". Rather now, I enjoy my life, a lot of the time. But I do hit that pit from time to time. The difference is, I can remind myself that it will pass - and believe myself! And it does.
I am not sure if this is helpful - but as you know, I care a lot about you. I wish I had a magic wand.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene - Lisa\'s mom
dddsantos151yahoocom
dddsantos151yahoocom

I felt a lot of these feelings you have and still wonder if I to am wasting my life here and if I should move. So your not alone. As far as your anxiety, I would go to a therapists for this. I did and found it very helpful. I was in a severe depression like I was frozen at one time and she helped me tremendously for a good year. I nearly lost all of my focus. You should try to go to compassionate friends every other week. I wish u my best and hope you feel better in the near future.Till this day and it has been 15 years since my one son was violently murdered I don\'t think I will ever feel alive like I use to or ever completely happy again. I have lost both of my son\'s and life is just not like it use to be and probably never will be. It is a lonely and sad journey , as u have mentioned, no grandchildren and ect. I feel the same way. I am trying more these day\'s to keep friends and look for things to do that make me feel a little better. But I know what I lost and will never feel complete again. I hope you have many happy memories of your daughter. I do have my happy memories and thankful for all of them. This is so hard and it sucks! I have tried medicine, anti-depressants and Xanax for a little while when things got pretty bad for me. I found a good therapist and got lucky and she was amazing. Don\'t give up, your not alone... Hugs, XOX, Debbie
KandL
KandL

Hi Gina, I think as you said, try to take this journey one day at a time. For me, I can only say that I am trying to strike a balance. When I need to stay home & cocoon I do. When I can, I join in with life. Be gentle on yourself but push yourself when you can. Cocooning is fine but a balance is important too because too much isolation isn\'t healthy. Listening to your inner voice is important. On days you just can\'t participate in the world, stay home & be safe. Try again the next day. It\'s ok.
Much love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda
sonshinedeb
sonshinedeb

Have found there is an ebb and flow feelings of grief since the loss of my son. He was also my only child. The calm nice days are pleasant again and then out of the blue are days of deep sadness. I found that getting outside, just for a little while helps. Being in my yard and working on lawn and plants brings a feeling of accomplishment and purpose. We used to do this together even when he was no longer living at home.
There is a group of mom\'s from my adult child loss group and we get together each month. Just to talk and share. If this might be something you were interested in check with your local hospice. You do not have to have used hospice care to be able to benefit from their grief counseling services and it\'s free.
Keeping you close in heart. . .
Debbie
CFMOM2
CFMOM2

Gina, I am with you so much on this. Our way is what we must deal with and there are no right or wrong ways to do it. Just try each day. I am so grateful to all our friends who do keep in touch, and it is important to do a little to keep going. It is never the same without our children but we should engage in life to honor their lives for sure. Peace. Kathy
Robin4
Robin4

I think we live on the edge of the \"cliff\" or the \"abyss\" so to speak for a very long time. We step away and then walk right back by no fault of our own. It\'s part of the grief we carry. We want to fall off that cliff in those early months and even years but yet maybe we don\'t so we hover right on the edge. We\'ve all done it. I think when we step away, we feel like we betray our children for some reason. We tell ourselves that they aren\'t experiencing happiness so why am I trying to experience happiness again. At least that\'s how I felt. Now 9 years later and reflecting back I know we have to step away from that edge and learn somehow to keep it in our peripheral vision. We know it\'s there but we also know to not stand there too long. That way we stay at a safe distance. I would love to be far far away from the edge but I now know that my new normal is simply just keeping a safe distance. For me that is some how a bargain I make to keep my son\'s memory close and never diminish the importance he was in our lives but also living in the now and to go on living and living well. It\'s so so hard but I know you must have asked yourself what you could have done differently so your daughter would still be here. Now you must ask yourself what you can do differently to keep her memory alive . I do not doubt for one minute that all of our children are cheering us on to \"LIVE\" and live well. That\'s how we honor them. You are not an imposter, you are not a fraud, you are a grieving mother navigating yourself through a tragic life event. But we are one group of awesome and strong women who help each other along this path. I\'m so glad you shared your thoughts. It\'s difficult to be so vulneralbe sometimes. I lost a boyfriend and a brother to suicide so I know only a small amount of your pain related to that but I too lost a child so I know that pain. It\'s something we never fully recover but we do heal. I can\'t make any sense of it most of the time so I just live by a leap of faith because that\'s what I got. Know you are loved and please please do not let the black cloud stay too long. Robin
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Understanding how those storm clouds move in and also know the feeling when they part and the sunshine is felt again too. Have you moved into the question of what is fueling the fear for you when you venture out? What comes into your heart when you do? I know that for me early on I felt as if I was wearing my insides on the outside and everything just hurt and intensely. I was afraid of feeling judged for how my son shed his earth suit and I didn\'t want to look in other people\'s eyes and feel pitied by them. I just needed them to look at me as if everything was \"okay\" even though nothing was. Once I moved through that with the help of my go to people, I saw that it was not the outside world I was afraid of and exhausted by, yet it was what it represented for me within and how I internalized it. I have had to really work with this and continue to and allow myself lots of permission and wiggle room to say, \"No\" to things, yet the ones I do say, \"Yes\" to have been energizing and very positive.

Feeling like a fraud and imposter I have felt too, yet what I think that\'s about for me is that I\'m trying to learn how to walk the tight rope. They used to say in 12 step work that when we have one foot in the past and the other foot in the present that we are \"pissing\" on today, the present moment. I have never forgotten that and that is not exactly one of my favorite words, yet that\'s the one that was used.

Living in acute grief for a lifetime is not our birth right and we cannot change what happened to our beloved children, yet we can try to use all of our gifts we were given for this lifetime. I can hear Spirit say, \"Joanie, did you use all your gifts?\" Nope, down the chute you go again and this time you will be a \"man.\" God forbid! I\'m trying because I feel so done and my mom and I used to laugh that we prayed for a one way ticket this time around.

Keep journaling, walking outside, feeling what you need to feel and finding the courage for those baby steps which are all very huge ones. You can do it, are doing it and we are right there with you, Gina.

Loving care to Cassi\'s mom from Douglas and me,
XO Joanie
Abotsd
Abotsd

You are not alone. We are all walking with you, sorrowful, wondering women. Mothers who have lost a child, not even a word for us. Yet, we are alive and must contribute in any small way we can. There are so many. of us, here. Suffering the same....I do try to make getting out easier. I\'ve gained weight and bought a few kaftans, that I can pop over my head and go out looking. decent. It simplifys my going and comings. Just a small trick for getting dressed quickly, without thought. Without size.

Wishing you well, comfort and joy, peace and love. We all merit this! Love to you and yours, from Abby & Jake.
Andelene
Andelene

I understand how you feel, dear Gina. Your emotions are very real, and only you have to deal with them. That makes one feel so very alone!! Please don\'t be too hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can! You are an amazing person, don\'t try to rush this journey. Take it slow, one baby step at a time. You hurt so much, because your love for your beautiful Cassi is still and will always be so overwhelmingly deep and strong!
Gentle hugs! xxx
PLA58
PLA58

One step forward is a goal. I hope you will be able to look back at the good memories and smile, it takes work and time. People at work who do not know about my son can not see my pain behind my smile I don\'t think anyone can. I am meeting more and more people who have our same pain loss) Just looking at them from far away no one could see her pain, but something spoke to me to talk about my loss to find out she had lost her son about 8 months ago. I told her about FMO, she makes jewelry and named her business after her son. Making pretty things helps her deal with her loss and something to look forward for. Maybe you should explore what could make you happy. Try to find something to emerse yourself into, something you think Cassie may love. Just a thought.

Tight hugs
Penny