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I just spoke to my father. Beyond my better judgment- I agreed to handle a legal matter for him. He's really really broke and he needs the help. I knew it wouldn't be without drama. I decided to do it anyway. I just talked to him. I was motivated and cleaning my office and now I feel like I want to take a fucking nap. I had to get all this negativity out of me before I could accomplish anything. I want so bad to go home and take a nap. But I can't. I've given in to that urge too many times. I have a pillow and blanket here. I also have an incredible couch. I think I will lie down for about 30 minutes. But I ain't leaving. I'm gonna stay here until 8 pm tonight or until I get my work all done- whichever comes sooner. I need some structure in my life. I need it desperately. So I'm going to create it.
I have a migraine right now. I know its b/c I cried a little bit this morning. I was listening to that song "Need you now" by lady antebellum. Great fucking song. Its rare that you find writing like that nowadays. Anyway- that song always gets to me. Makes me think of Steve. I started thinking back about the beginning of me and J. The night steve left- that night we had sex in my office and he bounced. Then I texted him and, of course, he didn't respond. I felt SOOOO stupid. At that point I had done this SO many times with S that I felt like such an idiot for ever thinking it would be different. I kept on clinging to our relationship when I was 15. He loved me so much. He was distant sometimes and quiet and he didn't say all the right things. But he loved me and he really showed it most of the times. I was so demanding and controlling. I was your basic codependent- depending on him to make me happy. I did the right thing when I left. Who I was back then and who he was just didn't gel together. But I really believe no one ever loved me that much. In fact- I'm pretty sure of it. My ex after him- I don't know if that was love or obsession. I believe it was love- but he was an adult child. He was looking.... I don't know what the fuck he was looking for. I'm gonna say a mother. I think I might be right on that one. He had the emotional maturity of a 5 year old child. I think I went from S who was somewhat emotionally unavailable to Kev- my ex after him- who absolutely needed me. S didn't need me. He never did. I felt extremily unappreciated with Steve. And I really needed to feel needed. So I left and I found someone that needed me- needed me to be his ma- and he sucked the life out of me. So after that- emotionally unavailable men seemed pretty fucking good. The sex was WAY better- kev was NOT a sexual person. He was the second person I had been with and at that time he was the best- not much comparison, but whatever. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone up to that point. Even more than steve. I used to say he was the "love of my life." I don't say that anymore- I think Steve takes that cake. in fact, I knnow. Anyone that you love for half your life takes that cake. Kev- good fucking riddins. He's just not a good person, period. Steve- eh. He uses women. He's a liar. Not so good. So in order to get it straight in my mind I separate him- I refer to teenage steve and adult steve. Teenage steve- I'm still in love with him. Adult steve- I just pray to god he never gets in touch with me again. That would be the best thing he could ever do for me. But b/c I actually want him to stay gone this time- I can't help but think he just won't. That's gonna be a fun conversation if it ever happens.
I don't really know what to say. Pretty sure one of the reasons I fell so hard for j was bc of the transference of heartache from steve. Interesting. I'm gonna go lie down for 30 minutes. Hopefully this migraine will go away.
I have a migraine right now. I know its b/c I cried a little bit this morning. I was listening to that song "Need you now" by lady antebellum. Great fucking song. Its rare that you find writing like that nowadays. Anyway- that song always gets to me. Makes me think of Steve. I started thinking back about the beginning of me and J. The night steve left- that night we had sex in my office and he bounced. Then I texted him and, of course, he didn't respond. I felt SOOOO stupid. At that point I had done this SO many times with S that I felt like such an idiot for ever thinking it would be different. I kept on clinging to our relationship when I was 15. He loved me so much. He was distant sometimes and quiet and he didn't say all the right things. But he loved me and he really showed it most of the times. I was so demanding and controlling. I was your basic codependent- depending on him to make me happy. I did the right thing when I left. Who I was back then and who he was just didn't gel together. But I really believe no one ever loved me that much. In fact- I'm pretty sure of it. My ex after him- I don't know if that was love or obsession. I believe it was love- but he was an adult child. He was looking.... I don't know what the fuck he was looking for. I'm gonna say a mother. I think I might be right on that one. He had the emotional maturity of a 5 year old child. I think I went from S who was somewhat emotionally unavailable to Kev- my ex after him- who absolutely needed me. S didn't need me. He never did. I felt extremily unappreciated with Steve. And I really needed to feel needed. So I left and I found someone that needed me- needed me to be his ma- and he sucked the life out of me. So after that- emotionally unavailable men seemed pretty fucking good. The sex was WAY better- kev was NOT a sexual person. He was the second person I had been with and at that time he was the best- not much comparison, but whatever. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone up to that point. Even more than steve. I used to say he was the "love of my life." I don't say that anymore- I think Steve takes that cake. in fact, I knnow. Anyone that you love for half your life takes that cake. Kev- good fucking riddins. He's just not a good person, period. Steve- eh. He uses women. He's a liar. Not so good. So in order to get it straight in my mind I separate him- I refer to teenage steve and adult steve. Teenage steve- I'm still in love with him. Adult steve- I just pray to god he never gets in touch with me again. That would be the best thing he could ever do for me. But b/c I actually want him to stay gone this time- I can't help but think he just won't. That's gonna be a fun conversation if it ever happens.
I don't really know what to say. Pretty sure one of the reasons I fell so hard for j was bc of the transference of heartache from steve. Interesting. I'm gonna go lie down for 30 minutes. Hopefully this migraine will go away.
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