Bittersweet

Good Morning - it's Wednesday, not quite Friday, but we are getting there. I have written before and said, I come here because I just don't know where to go when I need sane, heartfelt, words to comfort my heart.


Well, Hunter is going to be graduating and will walk the graduation ceremony. He is having professional pictures done this week-end. He is going to grad nite......my heart is so happy that he is going to participate because he wasn't going to. He said, I'm doing it for you, Yahya. Aww, my heart is full and so grateful. The bittersweet to this is, where is my daughter? She should be here, experiencing this too, she and I should be together with my mom - celebrating Hunter. After seeing Hunter last night for his guitar lesson, I cried all the way home - deep gut wrenching cries, which I haven't done in a long time......I got home with tears running down my face and Jim said, what's wrong? I told him, asking him to refrain from commenting as I was very emotional and on edge. He couldn't help himself and after I was done, crying and saying Jennifer should be here - I miss her so much - this is her son......Jim says, "you should be happy, your mom and Jennifer will have front row seats, they will be there".......because of my emotional state, I went off - oh, sisters guess you can tell alot about me in how I react to things.......I said, oh let me get tickets for them then, and just where will they be? I need to see them, I need to hug them, I need them to be there!!!! I feel so alone without them - the tears are coming again so I guess I'm done ranting.....at work with kids who are having issues and I need to have my head screwed on straight. LOL


I hate being on this journey - the one thing that makes it bearable is you......Thank you.


Hugs and love, always Jennifer's mom

Replies

Missinglisa
Missinglisa

This is a crappy road. I get it. Lisa should have been here when her daughter graduated and she should be here to spoil her granddaughters. The front row seat doesnt' cut it! Our kids should have the front row seat HERE!
Men want to be the fixer and make us feel better. Unfortunately, they are often no help at all. Joe generally asks me what's wrong when he sees me crying, or 'what can I do to help?' . He wants to make me feel better I know. I just can't handle it sometimes.
We are in this together.
Love and tight hugs, Marlene
KandL
KandL

Oh Vicki, I completely understand!! These wonderful, beautiful milestones make a mom/grandmom's heart full yet it is bittersweet because Jennifer and your mom should be here to see Hunter graduate! It is not right that your daughter isn't here to see Hunter graduate - it is not the natural order of things and when these life events happen how can we not feel we have been robbed? I know I do. For me, after 8 years on this horrific journey, more often now the joy and heartbreak peacefully co-exist and I feel each in it's fullness simultaneously (well most of the time, lol). Sometimes the %$#@&! heartbreak tries to take over and when it does, I feel what I need to feel. And as well meaning as Jim was trying to be, the platitudes do not help. When Ken, who is not Ed's dad, tries to placate me (well meaning as he is most of the time), it infuriates me. I'm not proud of this fact but it is how I feel and if nothing else, I have learned to honor my feelings. When I am not upset, I have told him that when the crisis and my sobbing has passed, maybe then he could gently suggest how Eddie is still with me and at whatever event/milestone has come up. Then I am better able to receive it. We are learning....

But any of the clichés that people offer, such as "he is in a better place" don't really help. I know people mean well so I don't say what I'm thinking, which is "let's send you there right now." My sister in law offers these clichés often and yet says, "oh I don't think I could live if one of my kids or grandkids died." She doesn't say this to me, but I see her talking to others who experienced loss on Facebook and she says these things. A nod, a light squeeze of my hand is more helpful to me. Someone companioning me by saying, "I can only imagine." is much more helpful. I do try to educate Ken & others as they talk to grieving moms and dads. Some listen, as you know, some do not.

The only thing I can say that works for me and may work for you is to enjoy Hunter's graduation with as much joy and pride as I know you feel. When I go to events for Josh and Christina, Ed's two kids, I try and bring Eddie with me by something symbolic like wearing the cross he gave me and speaking throughout the event of him, kind of speaking for him. A couple of years ago I attended Josh's college graduation with Christina. We did ok but when we got to the car we both burst into tears. And that's ok. I have learned to welcome both the joy and the sadness and that has helped me. I give a place of value to both.

Sorry for such a lengthy comment. I think we will always miss Jennifer and Ed's physical presence. And I know you miss your sweet mom too! It's part of this "new normal", I think.

Just know I understand. This is a great place where we can come and feel others walking with us.

Congratulations to Hunter! I'm glad he decided to participate in graduation. What a blessing that his Yahya will be there and cheering him on! I tell Josh & Christina I am their biggest fan and they smile. It is also a wonderful thing to have a grandmother's love...don't forget that.

Tightest of hugs and love to you and dearest Jennifer, Linda
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Yes, these are indeed bittersweet moments that I know each of us have had to learn to move through as best as we are able and it's a dance, where I know I step on toes at times, want to "sit it out" and other moments when I can be here now fully dancing with the best of them.

Just as Linda and Marlene said, men are often the fixers and I'm sure that what Jim was saying was from his heart the words just fell flat because truly there is nothing anyone can say. Maybe helping him to understand that just holding a silent space, being a witness, a loving pair of arms around, listening without the need to comment is what you are truly needing.

Congratulations to dear Hunter on his graduation and oh, how I wish that Jennifer and your mother could BE with you. In the meantime, please feel my loving care.

Hand in hand, Heart to heart with so much understanding,
XO Joanie
ginachurchwell1970
ginachurchwell1970

Sometimes it seems like everything is bittersweet. People say remember the happy times...OH!!! Why didn't I think of that!!! rme Your child wouldn't want you sad, maybe not, but she understands. I really, really hate it when someone tries to impart some wisdom on me...when they don't have a damn clue...I usually explain that to them. To me, they can learn how to talk to me or go their own way, I don't suffer fools. He has you and you have him, he is dong this for you. It can't be easy for him. If at all possible, even if you have to fake it, cheer him on, let him see the pride in your eyes. He deserves it for doing this for you. It sounds like you have a special relationship.
Andelene
Andelene

Big comforting hugs to you, dear Vicki. xxx
mngramma
mngramma

I have no words to make it better or wisdom to carry you through. Just know you are never alone in this damndable journey of grief we all find ourselves on.
Hugs and understands no that missing....
RememberKala
RememberKala

OH Vicki, I do so totally get it!! I was the queen (and sometimes still am) of going off on someone for something they thought would be helpful, meant to be helpful, but just pissed the shit out of me!!

Every graduation, every wedding, every baby born, every single adventure her friends enjoyed after that horrible night left me feeling like shit and screaming WHY? Why didn't Kala have a chance to do that? I had to curse the unfairness of it all for a LONG time. And like I said, sometimes I still do.

Hunter is doing great, and he may say it's just for you, which is sweet, but I bet deep down he really WANTS to be there. And yes, it sucks big time that Jennifer and your mom will not be there to hug him and congratulate him and take photos with him and all that goes along with this big day. And yes, they will BE there, but that's not the point your heart was trying to make....

Thinking of you and Hunter and sending lots of love energy to both of you~
CFMOM2
CFMOM2

How are you today Vicki? Hoping the joy of Hunter's accomplishment is wonderful even with the hurt of Jennifer and your Mom. They are at your side always. Yes it is not what we want for sure Peace to you, Hugs, Kathy
jmk1973
jmk1973

I am so glad that Hunter will attend his graduation. People try so hard to comfort us, when we are hurting and missing our loved ones. I remember that I used to be just like them, not knowing what to say. What a hard lesson we all have had to learn.. Try to be happy and excited for Hunter. Your mom and Jennifer are with you always, just not in the way you want....I know

((((HUGS)))), Julia