bittersweet.....
a bittersweet rainy sunday.
take stock. what is going on with each of us......how are we doing?
gums around the bad tooth are angry.....took sinus medicine and an antibiotic. never finished the last dosage, so i'm taking them again. not real surprise. gotta work on the solution.
showered.......tidied the homefront. clothes experiencing the rinse cycle......just gave them their feeding of fabric softener......the one with the little snuggly bear on the bottle.
annie got caught eating tiny rose petals......attacking them like an old tourist at a salad bar in vegas. ...so i cleaned up the fallen petals, tossed them and washed the vases. pretty things. a myriad of shine and color.....
rio is sitting on the top of this chair......he likes it, me? not so much. they must think that i am the mother ship, for they circle and stay close so much of the time. wish they'd go play nascar race on the stairs...i was wondering if i could go out today.......at the same time i realized i had just poured the grape drink powder into a tupperware container instead of the pitcher in the sink already filling with water. maybe now is not the time to go ......duh.
earlier i absent mindedly threw my paper napkins in the sink and my lovely stainless steel fork in the trash. seems my mind and my hands are not in sync.
i made a familiar wish......to have random visitors. come see me. today. it isn't the sort of thing that happens. but i still make the wish.
and think if i had a big table it would make a big difference. tables are a gathering place....for meals, games, snacks......chatter plans, hobbies. i put the heavy stone topped table in the garage and planned a diy project. a rescued round table with a middle leaf.......is leaf right? not sure. but i got an inexpensive sander......electric to save my arthritic self a lot of misery.....and the idea has just sat there......waiting on the girl in charge. pray for a bout of good health to take this on. i would like to paint it with chalk paint, give it that aged european antique look, but the paint is costly. so that always leaves good old white or black. i want to sand it so that it looks aged....i walked around a consignment shop one day last week and saw some cool things. not needs, but wants.......but there is no room for any additions to this jam packed nostalgia fest. still it'ls fun to look.
i saw an old goldenrod stool......kid size. rustic and adorable. under # $20 bucks. a really cool green bookcase. small, four shelves.....$80. i had a ten dollar limit .....and found a thing or two. a small cobablt blue bottle (4"), it says BROMO SELTZER EMERSON DRUG COMPANY BALTIMORE. a tiny glass cross, two inches high? etched in gold......a red oval ceramic pot (for plants) and a leather pillow.....all told under ten. they mark the prices so that after 60 day son the shelves the prices drops by 50%....so each item i got was half off plus another savings sale of an added 20% discount. the nice thing about this shop is that there are so many pretty things to look at........and just as many that don't tug at my wallet, so i feel relatively safe in there.
are you as tired as i am? the meat i took from the freezer isn't thawed yet.......getting hungry. earlier i had poached eggs, wheat toast and fresh orange slices. yum.....
i grow more boring and introverted by the day. how do we rebuild confidence when we are so often alone? maybe you aren't, but i am........a longtime friend here left DS. makes me sad.
nothing really to say........feel drained and uninspired. gotta work on that.....maybe if i color later.....or do some needlepoint. something. for now i'll just go sit and listen to the tv with my eyelids down. maybe that's the plan for today. love, hugs and wishes for you........on top of your favorite treat. the end, sparrow
Replies
Hey, it's rainy here too. Ouch, bones and muscles hurt! The tooth thing sounds awful. You really can't mess around with that kind of thing. Get some help, honey. Love you.
Guess what . It's raining here too.Only sprinkling though. It's Monday morning here.I had to drug myself to sleep and I feel like some kind of a foggy zombie. Frank has already gone to town. I'm just to out of it to go anywhere . I've been here in the house all week, sleep deprived and wiped out and alone most of the time I understand that you are completely alone there so that is much worse.
You just need regular live friends, Ruthie, to come and visit you. The type of friends who accept you for your bad days and better days with no expectations. Where this no pressure on you. Just genuine devoted friendship. I don't have a single friend who comes to my house. Not one. If I can get up and move then I'm out, and if I'm home, I'm so out of it that I'm hiding from the world...so sick on this bed. Sick and down and certainly not entertaining material. So I don't have anybody except my family. Oh sure when I'm out, there are people here and there that say hello and there's me smiling back saying I'm fine. No I'm not fine and I have no sense of belonging. I am grateful for my family of course. However I feel like my life just disintegrated with this illness. People used to invite me to so many things and eventually, after so many.. sorry, I can't make it.... the invites stopped and the people just left me.Most people9le don't want sick people for friends.They tire very quickly with our reality. We're not active fun friends. We become a burden. It hurts. It really hurts.We feel left behind.Like they're all on the train of life and we're sitting at the station feeling alone and abandoned .Am I being too negative Ruthie?.Sorry if I am. Drugs will do that. I hate taking them but it was live or die last night.
You are not boring Ruthie and I could never see you as introverted. Your loneliness is all due to your sick body. It's completely understandable. I really do understand your loss of confidence. It would bounce back quickly I'm sure, If you had a few good friends popping around when you felt up to it. We all want to feel valued and loved and be a significant part of some social life. We need real buddies.Life long buddies. We are tribal by nature. Never meant to be lonely. It eats at me too. Can we try harder? Are we not opening ourselves up enough and asking for more ? Or are we simply just too sick to change the situation? I don't know anymore.Online support is a life saver but still not the same as a real physical hug and a face to face vibration. Or a cuppa and a good laugh with a faithful friend. Better get my fuzz drug brain into gear and go eat some porridge.Or maybe weetbix. Big decision lol! Hang in there.Wish I could pop over to your place. Much love sweet Ruthie soul.xoxoxo
Ruthie, thank you for your wonderful descriptions of everyday things. It makes me feel that I am sitting beside you, seeing the world through your eyes. I have never been good at paying attention to detail, and you seem to be an expert at it. It's a good way to appreciate all that is around us. If I could make it more than 30 minutes from my house, I would be thrilled to show up at your door one day. Wouldn't that be fun??? And, since we understand how each other feels, we could take a rest whenever needed. Right now, you and I are on the same wavelength - I am an introvert, but that doesn't mean I don't have friends and enjoy being in a group. But, after so many years of isolation, I mostly feel overwhelmed by people and want to hide out in my little cave with my two dachshunds. I finally made it to my friend's small group last week - missed the first two sessions of the season due to fatigue and pain. I enjoyed being with people. but took days to recover and felt kind of anxious about all the interactions. I am afraid I am a little broken in the ability to relate normally.