bingeing, etc.
I don't want to go to work today and I don't know why. Its something about this place that sucks me in and I don't fully get it. I love my career- why do I not want to go to work? Its bc I've binged all week and I feel an inherent sense of shame. Like I don't deserve to live. Back in the day- this would be the point where I decided to go on a diet- in a way of beating myself up for binging. But that's not an option anymore. In fact I've decided I need to eat a lot more than I do right now- well maybe not more quantity wise- but more frequently. I've been avoiding the inevitable. I have acid reflux really fucking bad and the only way to make me feel better is to eat right. That means paying attention to what I eat. I've restricted myself for so long in that regard that I have no idea what to eat to truly nourish myself. I've been resisting this for a long time and I realize that now. I have to give up the fight. I have a food addiction. Dealing w my family makes me eat. Bc they are extremily unhealthy people and see absolutely nothing wrong with it. I've been given the gift of truth and insight. And that gift has fucked me for years bc I've tried to make my family understand and my friends understand and my men understand. And that understanding I needed wasn't for them- it was for me. Bc in my formative years- when most people were gaining self esteem- I was being told to shut the fuck up. My father said it outright and my ma said it with her snobby disgusting tone. But u know what- they're not going to change and I can't make them. Its not my job to make them change. Its my job to take care of me. That's it. Its hard to accept that w my ma. I get it w my dad, but its hard to accept that I can't be there for my ma the way I've always been. Its hard but necessary. So from here on in I'm going to accept it. My mom is who she is. She's not going to change. I have to accept that. Bc not accepting it makes me binge. And bingeing makes me feel like a piece of shit who doesn't deserve to live. When I binge I want to hide myself from the world and that makes me feel shameful bc I feel like I shouldn't feel shameful. U get that? Bc its a hard one to follow- I beat myself up for beating myself up! Talk about superfucked! But that's my reality and reality is reality whether or not you face it.
Replies
You are beating yourself up - badly. Maybe therin lies the connection hun, you beat yourself up because that\'s what you\'ve known from your family, so you binge to feel good at first, then make then hate yourself for it later so they can keep telling you (the narrative you\'ve internalized) how unworthy and unlovable you are?
Stress triggers = food binging = self loathing = heaping abuse on yourself where other\'s aren\'t around to do it for you. I could be totally wrong, but it\'s just my first observation.
I wonder, if you forgave yourself for being imperfect, each and every time you binged, and EVEN BETTER, every time you\'ve perceived yourself to make a mistake, if that would change.
It\'s okay if you oopsed; it really is. \"OOPS, you made a mistake that\'s all\"!
You couldn\'t be more right! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my journal! That\'s exactly what I do. So I\'ve not ben productive at all today and that means I\'ll probably be in the office until about 2 in the morning. But I\'m honestly okay with that.
I took the day to fold. I gave myself that finally- after going a few rounds with myself this morning. There is a battle in my heart that has always been here. It\'s a battle between my heart and mind. Between my intellect and my emotions. It\'s really fucked. I took the day to listen to geneen roth\'s women food and god. Btw- for anyone who has had an eating problem this book is ESSENTIAL!!! There is no one that gets it more than her. Well maybe there is- but I haven\'t come accross it. Anyway- She describes it perfectly- the way I feel when I feel I have to binge and how much I hate myself afterwards. The thing is- it hurts- a lot. In all ways. When I binge I feel extreme levels of physical pain. Then comes the anger at myself b/c I know I\'m the one that caused that pain. And I hate myself for it. So then I smoke- which doesn\'t necessarily mean bingeing- but smoke + self loathing = binge. And then the cycle starts all over again.
I do need to forgive myself- 1000 times if necessary. Over and over again. B/c like the song says- only love can conquer hate. When I fall I need to skip the beating I give myself b/c that beating is far worse than anything the world could ever throw at me. I have always been my own worst enemy. But its not me- its my internalization of all the bullshit I\'ve been through in my life. I cried A LOT today. I had a bit of a breakdown this morning. I took one of my ma\'s wine glass and smashed the fucking shit out of it. Now that was a good time! I\'m a wild chick at heart and smashing that shit just felt fucking awesome. She\'s lucky I didn\'t smash the wine bottle. So- no guilt there. The glass cost $1 and we have many many more of them. I don\'t drink from wine glasses b/c they make me think of my ma\'s drinking and that\'s not a good time for me.
Anyway- here\'s the thing: I don\'t take care of myself. I put everything before me and then I blame others around me for it. Not my ma\'s fault. Not my dad\'s fault. They both suck in many ways- no arguing that. But I\'m 30 fucking 1. I\'m an adult now. I have to stop trying to get a second childhood where someone loved me and told me how great I am. You know what- my ma does tell me how great I am- a lot. She also criticizes me at least once in every conversation- but she can\'t help that. In fact she\'s apologized for my childhood- so has my dad. Although my dad\'s was less inclusive- b/c it was a one shot deal- it wasn\'t a license to actually speak freely about my emotions. Rest assured- if I talk to him about my feelings I\'m gonna get shut the fuck down- quick. Anyway- my point is- nothing that happens now or in the future is going to rewrite my past. My childhood fucking blew. I was raised by adult children who are emotionally void. And that\'s just life. I know that I\'ve long since accepted that on an intellectual level- but I\'m pretty sure I\'ve never emotionally grieved for it before. I think I did today. I came to that epiphany that I never really sat down and cried about being fucked out of a normal childhood. So I did. I cried. I allowed myself to feel the pain of being a child and wishing my ma and dad would listen to me and accept me for me and instead they beat me down every time I did anything that wasn\'t in accordance with their idea of what a child should be. And since they are both polar opposites- things I did and felt were bound to piss at least one of them off. So I sat and I cried. And then it was over. And I felt like I could breathe again. That\'s a funny thing that happens to me when a depression lifts- its like I get my breath back. I think when we\'re stressed out we dont breathe. I know I don\'t. My therapist told me I should take 10 deep breathes twice a day. I\'m finding that difficult to do- I can take a few but then I\'m bored with it. But when I can force myself to do it it brings me tremendous peace.
So I decided that today I was going to eat. Not binge and starve or starve and stuff but eat what my body really wanted. I went shopping in shoprite and I was amazed at how little I know about foods that I want. I\'ve always restricted myself or binged. So the food was low cal/low carb or super unhealthy and choc full o carbs and calories. But never did it occur to me to eat to nourish myself. So that\'s why this happened. That\'s why this week sucked. B/c I needed to see that I have to take care of me. And I need to understand that the fact that I see this at 31 is pretty fucking cool- I\'m not a failure b/c I haven\'t gotten it until now. I have to let go of the past. And I have to allow the future to bring what it may. I\'m sick of being sick. I don\'t ever want to feel how I feel after a binge again. I\'m gonna try my best to make that happen and if I don\'t i\'m gonna try to forgive myself as soon as possible.
As for my parents- I need to have healthy boundaries with them. They are emotionally toxic to me. But they are who they are. And they only have control over me if I allow them to. I feel like I can breathe again. So for that I\'m thankful. I only lost a couple of days. Thats pretty good considering how long I\'ve stayed gone in the past.
Oh hun... I know all about toxic parents. But I also know all about beating myself up to the point of paralysis. I\'ve been there way too many times, and most of the time, I don\'t even know how I get there - til i\'m at bottom. Then I sit back and look at who\'s around me, and my triggers are always external, it\'s always someone toxic in my life.
When I\'m sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I really start to see that the shame, blame, and guilt were never mine to begin with, the relief comes. Then I need to get that person(s) OUT OF MY LIFE. It\'s a process, and it\'s very sad for me, but it has to be done, or my mental and physical health deteriorates to .. well.. where it is now.
For me anyway, the only solution, if I can\'t get them away, or myself away, is to severely limit contact. That\'s when the boundaries, insight, and confusion start to slip away; I start to see what\'s really going on; and I start to feel better about myself.
p.s. You cannot have have healthy boundaries with an active alcholic or disordered person - they will not allow it; that\'s part of THEIR disease.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I think being powerless over their disease is the hardest part for me. I spent my whole life thinking that I could do anything if I just worked hard enough at it. But I can\'t change people. And I can\'t cure addiction in others. And I never will be able to. I need to take care of me. And I\'ve decided to. I have to severly limit contact. You\'re 100% right.