BIG THANKS!

6-27-09 (LATE):  I have to say the comments made on my last journal were the most profound I have ever recieved!  I so appreciate them.  They really helped me!  Truly! The comments, coupled with another chat with an EMT, present the day Scott died, have put things in a different perspective for me.   And, I happened to watch a Dr. Phil program. (I never watch his show) But, he was talking with a woman who lost her husband to suicide.  He asked her how she thought she should know that this would be "the time".  How could she think she could see around the corner..... That struck me.  I had dealt with so many of Scott's over use of pain meds.  He had come so close to overdosing before.  How was I supposed to know that this time was "the time"?  I did what I always did....let him sleep it off...check on him....give him Gatorade and good food when he woke up.  This time, though, I didn't check on him soon enough.  I didn't wake him, or try, soon enough.  How was I to know?!?!?  I couldn't.  And, as sad as it sounds, I think we (those of us dealing with someone with addiction) get conditioned to this way of living.  I had been through this before...how was I supposed to know this was "the time"?  I couldn't see around the corner.  I did what I always had done.  I did what had always worked before.  I never thought to do anything differently.  Why would I?  It had always worked before. So, be it right or wrong, I am working on forgiving myself.  I am still, literally sick, about Scott's death.  I miss him.  I would deal with his addiction until my death.  But, I think, I am killing myself with guilt.  I don't care if I live or die.  Really.  But, since, apparently, for the time being, I am meant to live, I have to try and find a way to do this without all the weight of guilt.  This, I guess, will be the part of the journey, year three.  And, I am going to try to focus on the amazing person Scott was....the days he was not using, the charm he had,. the solid friends he had, the smile, the compassion, the person he wanted so badly to be (and was inside), the humor, just the blessing to have truly known him. God help me....this is a really, really, tough part of my journey!

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

It is a tough part of the journey, but it sounds as if you are on the right path. I am so pleased that things have happened to bring you to this point where you can see things from a different perspective. It is true that the guilt keeps us in pain and stops us from enjoying the wonderful memories that our boys left us with. I\'m here holding your hand, albeit 1000s of miles away. Love and hugs, Charlotte.
deleted_user
deleted_user

as you can see by my goal on my page, i have so much guilt i cannot stand it. i dealt with joeys addiction also, for yrs, and didnt know what to do. i tried everything. i know it was his time , he was finished in this existence, but every day i deal with the guilt. hugs.
biowoman
biowoman

I am so proud of you. I think your journal today is outstanding...you are realizing your guiltlessness...you are realizing that it will be another part of the journey AND you are focusing on YOUR precious son and how wonderful he was...not on his struggles. If you struggle again with this part of the journey...come back to this journal and reread YOUR words...because they are wise. Love to you friend...Karen
Robin4
Robin4

Ginger, what an awesome entry. It\'s much easier to forgive others but forgivg ourselves is so difficult. I read a quote once, it reads \"hold a place for forgiveness in your heart and when it comes, let it in.\". I\'m so glad to see you are letting it in. You couldn\'t have known or forseen what was about to happen with Scott. Very few are fortunate to know when their time or a loved one\'s time is near. Those that are get to be by that persons bedside or spend some last precious time with them and some get to \"prepare\" in some small way. Most of us don\'t get that luxury. Even though it sounds so cliche, we really have to live each day as if it is our last. It\'s so good to hear you are focusing on the amazing person Scott was in yours and others lives. Love to you. Robin
BinkyH
BinkyH

Ginger, I know. I went through 5 years of heroin addiction with my younger son. Doctors, jail, rehab. My younger son saved the older one once from an overdose. He found him in time and kept him alive until they took him to the hospital. He survived that overdose, he did not survive the 2nd one. But exactly like you said, which one was the one I was supposed to be more aware of? How could we know which one would be the \"big one\"? How could we know which time they took the drug that the heart would, this time, say enough is enough? How could we have known that the last time we saw them would, truly, be the last time? And like you, I will live with heroin addiction for the rest of my life. I lost 5 years of one son to it and the life of the other. Heroin will forever be in the back of my mind about my remaining son, but he is two years clean and swears he will never touch it again. I hope. And I pray. Love, Belinda
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ginger, I am proud of the way your looking at things now. I know that will focus on yourself more and YOU will make it through. Just take one day at a time and you will see light. I never had to deal with addition but it does run in my family, drugs & alcohol. So I understand how we sometimes think things are our fault. But like they say in AA, ONE DAY AT A TIME...Hugs, Connie
deleted_user
deleted_user

Such an inspiring post!! forgiving ourselves is sometimes the hardest part. It just keeps going back to the \"I was his Mother, I should have known\" We are not Godlike, we could not have known. If we HAD, of course we would have done something! God Bless you on your journey, Hon! When you are up to it, I miss your \"Scotty\" stories and sharing them would be so cathartic for you as well. Love & Hugs! Judy
deleted_user
deleted_user

What a great journal entry. Thank you. I lost a son to an accidental overdose of RX pain mesd and alcohol, and the older one to suicide because he felt guilty he was alive and his \"baby brother\" was dead.Then a step daughter whi killed herself because she felt guilty for not helping iether brother. I have come to see the fine line between guilt and regret.I no longer am haunted or tourtured with guilt. I do have regrets. There is a diffrence, and once I got that I got it. Just like your moment of understanding with the \"corner.\" I appreciate you sharing this. It is 6 years 3 months for 1 son, and the other only 1 year and 6and a half months. (the step daughter took er life 3 days after my sons memorial service.)So my grief is very confused and very big. I appreciate every small thing that helps my understanding. Your journal did just help my understanding. I thank you, Bless you,Peggy
deleted_user
deleted_user

I agree with Karen you have discovered you truly are guiltless now you just have to work at accepting it. Focusing on Scotts wonderful good qualities is a giant step in the right direction. You are finding your way through the darkeness. Keep going you will make it. Love and hugs Cathy
deleted_user
deleted_user

I wish you the best on this part of your journey. I do so hope you can forgive yourself, because you are right... This is not in any way your fault. I hope you find peace. Love, Julia