BIG THANKS!

6-27-09 (LATE):  I have to say the comments made on my last journal were the most profound I have ever recieved!  I so appreciate them.  They really helped me!  Truly! The comments, coupled with another chat with an EMT, present the day Scott died, have put things in a different perspective for me.   And, I happened to watch a Dr. Phil program. (I never watch his show) But, he was talking with a woman who lost her husband to suicide.  He asked her how she thought she should know that this would be "the time".  How could she think she could see around the corner..... That struck me.  I had dealt with so many of Scott's over use of pain meds.  He had come so close to overdosing before.  How was I supposed to know that this time was "the time"?  I did what I always did....let him sleep it off...check on him....give him Gatorade and good food when he woke up.  This time, though, I didn't check on him soon enough.  I didn't wake him, or try, soon enough.  How was I to know?!?!?  I couldn't.  And, as sad as it sounds, I think we (those of us dealing with someone with addiction) get conditioned to this way of living.  I had been through this before...how was I supposed to know this was "the time"?  I couldn't see around the corner.  I did what I always had done.  I did what had always worked before.  I never thought to do anything differently.  Why would I?  It had always worked before. So, be it right or wrong, I am working on forgiving myself.  I am still, literally sick, about Scott's death.  I miss him.  I would deal with his addiction until my death.  But, I think, I am killing myself with guilt.  I don't care if I live or die.  Really.  But, since, apparently, for the time being, I am meant to live, I have to try and find a way to do this without all the weight of guilt.  This, I guess, will be the part of the journey, year three.  And, I am going to try to focus on the amazing person Scott was....the days he was not using, the charm he had,. the solid friends he had, the smile, the compassion, the person he wanted so badly to be (and was inside), the humor, just the blessing to have truly known him. God help me....this is a really, really, tough part of my journey!