Between steps on the way

 Since my radical breast reduction surgery, I have been off the female hormones and taking male hormone enhancers - meant to boost what testosterone the body makes naturally - and I have to say, I've been feeling better than I have in decades. The doctors say my blood pressure is equal to an 18 yr. old's, and I like the way I look now - not perfect, but sooo much better. No more headaches, no more feeling WRONG. I've gotten my weight down to 229.9lbs.; and I feel I can continue losing weight until I get it down to about 160lbs. or so. I look in the mirror, and I can SEE the guy I've always been inside looking back at me now.I already had heavy facial hair growth - naturally - so now, it's filling in and spreading more. Means shaving, until I get it to grow evenly so I don't have a patchy, scraggly beard. I find the facial hair now looks more appealing - like it belongs - and am looking forward to only having to trim it to maintain the look I want.The down side: my mother. She's having trouble now adapting to the changes I'm going through. She wants me to take things slower; but it's beyond my control at this point. My body is changing rapidly - to her view - in response to the low doses of male hormones it makes - and she can't bring herself to see me as one of her sons yet. We have been talking about this, and she is glad I am willing to try to give her some time to adjust; even though I keep telling her she's not the one adjusting here. She's had 45+ years of seeing me as her daughter; I admit that's going to take her a while to adjust to seeing me as a son - and a few weeks, months, even years might not be long enough for her to make those changes. To her credit, she still loves me, and is willing to make these difficult changes to keep - or rather, BUILD - our relationship. For my part, I am willing to give mom the time I can - but slowing down the process at this stage is... well, it isn't possible, not for me. I can shave more often, to give her the illusion of a female face - until my facial structure changes,... as I have begun to faintly see already. I can't stand the idea of dressing more femininely - when every fiber of my being screams for me to dress as the man I am becoming, have always been.  It's going to be rough for both of us until the process reaches the point where there can no longer be any doubt as to whether I am a man or a woman. Wait until my voice drops - Mom will cringe every time I say anything until she gets used to it. That's likely going to be what shatters the illusion for her for good - when her "little girl" sounds like a man. Heh, my voice has always been deep for a woman; but Dad's voice was REALLY deep - he sang a low baritone, below low "E", with perfect pitch. Myself, I have an "ear for music", I hear it and remember it from then on. Aren't genetics fun? I actually like to sing, when the mood hits me.What's so amazing is how plastic and adaptable the human body can be - and how rapidly it can adjust and alter structures in response to small shifts in hormone balances. Give it a nudge, and watch the domino effect kick in. We are each made up of an electrified soup of hormones and chemicals, carefully balanced and adjusting to outer and inner environmental factors every instant. It is this that gives rise to everything - our sense of self, our sense of who we are, our identities. What a blessing to no longer feel at odds with myself. I am dancing for joy!Thinking ahead, I have ordered something - a FTM STP. You see, I travel a lot, and inevitably have to use the public rest rooms; and as my body starts looking more male, I'll face having to use the men's room - or explain to upset women why I'm in the lady's room. So, to prevent public unrest - and my discomfort - I went ahead and ordered one. What is it? Well,... it's a faux penis you can use to stand and pee through - ergo, STP(stand to pee)- and it looks somewhat realistic, thus giving realism to the appearance of maleness under casual observation. Sounds silly, but it'll make public restrooms easier to deal with. You know, "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck". At least until I figure out how to afford the next surgery to complete the transformation. If you need one, go to www.ftm-stp.com, and look at their selection. It's only one site that offers these, but it'll get you started. I never knew these things existed, until I saw a FTM's blog where he described one and told how he made his own from a commercially made "packer"; a faux penis meant to give the look and feel of a real one under clothing. Cheaper to make your own from a "packer"; but easier to buy one pre-made. Practice using it at home!! Get to the point you can use it reflexively - with accuracy - in private before trying to use it in a public restroom. Relearn your potty training. If you don't want that level of realism, you can always use the "lady jane" adaptor for the portable male urinal - camping gear - as your stp tool - cheaper, and some are disposable. They're just not as easy to conceal if you're trying to pass as a man; unlike the "packer" and FTM-STP, which you wear under clothing. I'm calling it an investment in my future well-being as a new male. A prosthetic device. A word of advice: if color choices seem limited, you can take powdered facial makeup and mix it into clear, paintable silicone caulk and apply this as a paint - sponge on, or stippling on with stiff bristled brushes - to get the desired coloration and texture. Plan to apply this in thin layers until you get the desired appearance. There are better methods - look up dragonskin silicone prosthetic materials online; the sites that sell these materials - used in makeup prosthetics for movies - also sell products to color them, and video instructions how to use them. Thought I would share the info.No matter what, it's more important how you project yourself. Do you come across as male, confident in your identity, or not? This, more than anything else is what people pick up on, and affects how others "see" you. A strongly-projected male ID with a feminine appearance will often be perceived as a man in drag; while a weakly projected male ID in a masculine appearance will be "seen" as a gay guy. Funny how that works. Be aware of your body language.Currently, I am in the awkward stage between, when I look androgynous enough to confuse people who feel the male ID I project. I get called "sir" about as often as I do "ma'am", though if I haven't shaved, there's no hesitation with the "sir". I guess the facial hair decides it for them. Another clue to help others: use either unscented deodorant, soap, shampoo, etc., or masculine-scented ones. Humans have weak senses of smell, but it IS a large clue to sexual identity. Dad always wore Old Spice; Mom wears White Diamonds. Find a scent that's you, and make it yours. That's what I'm doing now - finding a male scent that's me. Citrus with exotic woods seems to be working for me right now; sort of an orange-lemon with tones of sandalwood, cinnamon, and cloves. I might toss in a hint of mint with that and see how it does. Maybe wintergreen. I love finding custom made soaps and detergents - helps to find a scent that works for me and then I can reorder products with that scent.These might sound like little unimportant details - but it's those tiny details that make the difference. Ever seen a guy wearing a woman's watch? It's disconcerting. Remember the tiny details. If you love jewelry, remember to wear heavier, bulkier styles as a man. If you like colors, wear them as accents, or toned-down versions - NOT pastels; most men(in the South) don't wear pastels. Most of us FTMs won't need this type of advice; we already know what feels right for us. But, some of us may not have given these details any thought yet. I've had some theatrical background - classes in school and college that taught me what details to think about and look for to bring more realism to bear when acting on stage. What sort of person would wear/use this item? So, turn it around - if I am this sort of person, what items would I use/wear? Should I wear a tie-tack and cufflinks with my suit, or be more casual? Wrist watch or pocket watch on a chain? Have fun exploring how you express yourself in your daily apparel, and enjoy the process of finding your signature "look". A great way to do this on the cheap is through Goodwill or other local thrift shops. An added bonus - a slightly worn look to the details adds another layer of realism; gives the feel that you haven't "fallen out of nowhere", but have always been the guy you're becoming. Be comfortable in your look. OWN it. Check out yard sales - find items there to add to it, make it all yours. Nobody knows why you're buying the stuff; they don't care. Find what's you. Another thought - you're not Peter Pan. Select age-appropriate things. Heh - I have this mental image of myself as a young man of sixteen to twenty; I'm 45. I don't think I should dress like the dudes at the skatepark even though I feel young; but I'm also not my grandfather or father, either. Finding the right style is all part of the process. Don't get labeled as "eccentric" right off unless you want that. But do explore your options. I know I am - and am having fun doing it!One option I'm playing with - an online 3D chat program that lets you build and dress your avatar. It's at www.IMVU.com, and it's basically free. I say basically, because you get an avatar - male or female, with choices of either - and a starter pack of clothing, hairstyles, skin colors, eye colors to pick from for free when you join. Do little things to earn more points/credits, and use those to buy more items, accessories, environments, to alter your avatar's look. Or, buy credits outright, and go all out. It lets me try on the latest styles on a 3d approximation of my male self, and see how they look. There's a shopping button, and a 3d product catalogue, and you can "try on" things before buying them. It's a high-tech version of paper dolls, that move and can interact. Go into one of the public chat rooms, and see how others interact with your avatar. It's a social outlet online. I've got friends there I'll never see in person, from other nations. Be yourself, while waiting on surgery, or working through your transition, waiting for your body to heal and catch up with who you are. It can save your sanity. Plus, it can be loads of fun.                        Another way to help establish your self-identity: find some music that expresses who you are. Sort of a soundtrack for your life. Let it evolve as you do. This includes listening to music styles that are different from your usual - you might surprise yourself by finding the perfect "sound" where you'd least expect it. Myself, I like a wide range of musical styles, so my perfect "sound" ends up being several different pieces of music, from old classical through modern rock and alternative. I guess you could say I have a varied playlist to build my life to. With MP3 players and such, I can take my playlist with me, and listen to whatever music my mood calls for. Let the music move you through your day - you'll be surprised how much more energy you'll have this way. I create pottery - yes, I make pottery to music as varied as Enya and Godsmack, Bach and Quiet Riot, Celtic Thunder and Queen, as well as movie themes.The best thing thus far about moving forward in my off-handed way with my transition, is I no longer feel depressed, or trapped. I feel happiness, and more at peace with myself. I finally got the nerve to do something entirely for MYSELF. To hell with what anybody else thinks of it. My life. Time I got to live it. I post this journal here more to share my experiences and discoveries with others who might need the information, or inspiration, or re-assurance that they aren't alone, or crazy. Maybe my ramblings will help some other soul find their way to happiness easier. Just remember - it all comes down to YOUR life. How do you want to LIVE it? Eventually, you have to decide to live for YOURSELF, not to please everybody ELSE around you. The sooner you do that, the easier it is to follow through. I waited four decades, until my choice couldn't hurt my parents' careers. I wish I had known more about how to make the transition before; I likely would have acted sooner;... then again, I probably still would have waited - bitterly - until now. All that time, wasted. Well, it's past - my life is ahead; and I'll live it my way. Happily.One thing I decided as I began to move forward: none of the trouble and pain of being transgender is anyone's fault. My parents didn't do or fail to do anything that brought this on, nor did I, or anyone else. They had no way of knowing, and I had no way of expressing it that they could understand. It was a completely alien concept all around. A blameless situation. I was just born this way, as my sister was born a female, and my brothers were born males. It happened. Yes, my life sucked, forced into a gender-role that matched physically, if not mentally or emotionally. But that wasn't the fault of my parents, who were trying their best to raise five well-adjusted children. Our society creates and enforces these gender-roles, and the vast majority of people are happy with their roles. Those who aren't happy are the minority, and sadly, our society has no place for this minority. Even nature - for this does happen in other segments of nature - has situations like this, and handles it much the same way. Survivors find ways to adapt, or strike out on their own, or alter their bodies,... some fish and frogs can change gender; some reptiles don't need genders to reproduce. I seriously doubt that humans are the only mammals that suffer gender-identity problems; we just don't know enough about it to spot it in other animals. One thing I DO know: nature doesn't keep any useless traits; so gender-confusion must serve some useful purpose in nature. Maybe it's a form of population control. I don't know. I just know it must happen.Such are my thoughts and feelings as I rest, waiting for the day next week when my stitches come out of my chest. I'm gaining freedom a step at a time. It's a slow process; so's transitioning. I want to rush forward, making all the changes overnight - but my body, plastic and changeable as it is, needs time to heal and make the necessary changes to itself. Hormones can work amazing alterations on the body; but it takes time. Still, I've come so far already, and barely begun the process. I'll keep moving along the road, and try to steel myself to keeping a pace my body can match. I was in the Marine Corps, after all; I ought to be able to discipline myself to maintain pace. Ah, USMC, when it positively, absolutely needs to be destroyed overnight. Semper Fi. Heheh - should I change my birthday? I've always liked Halloween best; why not switch my birth date to October 31st? Maybe I can. Won't hurt to look into it. Such a small thing. Same year, different month and day. Who would it affect? What difference a few months? Why not.