better day for the most part

Woke up at 5:45am, 15 minutes prior to my alarm taking off. Today was Capital Sprints- the regatta that my parent's are in charge of. I had a ton of energy this morning, bouncing up and down. Ate a very filling breakfast and then Carlos and I were on our way downtown for the regatta. I was scheduled to drive a launch from 0730-1130 and direct boat traffic on the water. Aka yell at the coxswains that are idiots. It was quite fun :)
There was not very much to do, so I was in the launch letting the rays from the sun beat down on me. I am so very glad that I decided to bring my book, Eating in the Light of the Moon, with me plus my ipod! Listened to music and read/took notes in my book. Finally finished it!!! It looks like it has been through hell and back with all the markings and being so worn out. I found the first half of the book to be more insightful than the second half. The first half I took more notes, analyzed, and interpreted many more facts than the second half. They say that this book helps with recovery and aids people in finding reasons to move forward- but not so much for me. It was not triggering by any means- it was very empowering. Though to me it just made me more aware of various things and just added to my psychological knowledge. Today after finishing the book I realized and remembered something that I never before had. I will write that at the end. I am almost too embarassed to write it on here.
While driving the launch I noticed a log in the middle of the race course right before the finish line. As this can be a danger to boats I went over to pull it out. It did not look that big- then I grabbed it. Slipped out of my hands. It was HUGE. About 10ft long, 1ft wide and 2in deep. Covered in SLIM!!! From the Anacostia River which is where they find dead people (NOT KIDDING). After many tries I was able to get this super heavy board out of the water- almost flipped the launch a few times. As I got it in the boat I basically had to drag it over myself...little did I know there were NAILS in it!! OWIEEEEEE.
Anyways...that was basically my day so far. I am exhausted now. Sooo tired. I did eat very well though! Not happy about it, had a full breakfast and a large sub for lunch- that was forced in me. blahhh. Also still very frustrated that no one responds to me. Yes, I really appreciate everyone on here and your comments (even if I don't like them at that moment in time) because it makes me feel like there is someone out there that cares.
Ok....so here it goes....what I have NEVER said before.
As I think about it, maybe I did binge in college. Now I remember stealing roomates' food from the fridge. Buying things in the store because I wanted food so badly, but then I would feel so horrible feeling that way, but I still wanted all the food so badly. So I would grab all that I could. I would put an ungodly amount of food in my mouth, chew it so I could get the taste of the glorious food...then spit it out. I would do this secretly in my room and then would barely eat anything in front of others. As I write this I amcrying because I feel so ridiculous. I am a complete failure for doing that. How could I let my self get so incrediblyn out of control, it is so disgusting. I am absolutely disgusted in myself. I cannot believe that I did that. I was such a mother fucking fat ass pig. And even more pathetic, I never purged any of the shit. I never purged until last year. Well, I exercised my heart out to get rid of the shit I consumed. But I'm sure I still got a ton of calories from chewing. Hence why I became so fucking fat. Ahh I feel so gross now. bahhhhghhhh. I also smoked a lot so that I would not want to eat after. Eating after would of destroyed the taste of the cigarettes.
I am mortified by this.