BETTER!
Monday, 12-29-08: First of all, thank you to all who commented on my journal. It made me feel, if not better, that I was not just being over-reactive! Yesterday Craig and I went to Lowe's (woo-hoo) to look for antenna poles. We browsed the store looking at things we like/don't like, just in case we ever do get to build a house! Afterward we went to Chris' to see his new kitchen cabinets. He has installed about 1/2 and they look great. Craig had a coupon for a free pizza, from his job, so we picked it up and came home to watch a TV program about elephants. ( I love elephants...I have a "zillion" elephant "things" in my home.) Anyway, it was a decent day. Craig and I don't really do much together anymore so anything is good. Today I slept LATE! I am still not feeling very well. Adam and I went for haircuts this afternoon. That made me feel so much better. I really can't remember when I last had a haircut. Last summer, sometime, I think. Then, I went grocery shopping. I am done for the next two weeks other than bread, milk, etc. YEA! I hate spending money at the grocery store! But, I do like to eat. I made stew for supper. It was one of my better ones. No two ever taste the same. I am going out to dinner with my best friend from high school tomorrow evening. I haven't seen her for several months. We email, etc. but just never seem to be able to get our schedules to mesh. It will be a nice treat. And, Craig, can have leftover stew! Ahhh....the plans we make! lol Poor guy! He really CANNOT cook! He would eat ice cream or a sandwich if there was nothing ready for him. But, he can warm something up! Today has not been a terrible day. I feel guilty, sort of, when that happens. It has become just a "given" that I will be sad, upset, meloncholy, etc., everyday. So, when I have a semi-decent day, I feel like I shouldn't. I think grief makes us slightly NUTS! Anyway, I am trying to just accept these not terrible days for what they are and not feel bad about it. It doesn't mean the ache in my stomach is gone, it doesn't mean I don't miss Scott, it doesn't mean I don't still think of him every other thought, it just means it wasn't a terrible day. It is what it is.
Replies
I think grief makes us slightly NUTS!
Yep, you\'re right. We feel disloyal if we feel halfway decent. But they would WANT us to remember them with joy instead of despair, just like we\'d want the same for them.
Hope your dinner goes well.It will be nice for you to get out.You are so blessed to have friends that you stay in touch with.Have a great \"New Year\".Talk to you soon.Happy New Yesr.Peace,Vicki
Good for you, for having a not so terrible day! You should not feel guilty about it, either. Scott would want that for you! That is the thing that we have to remember, our sons loved us and they would want us to enjoy our lives. I do know what you mean, though. It feels like a betrayal or something if we laugh. Ah, we\'re mothers, that\'s all!! Love, Judy
I am beginning to allow myself happy days...allow yourself not only not so terrible days...but good days, happy days...great days. We will always carry our loss in our hearts...so no need to worry that we or anyone will think that...but we have a lot of life left...enjoy ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that you can...love to you...Karen
Hope you enjoy your night out with a friend. Most of my High school friends have forgotten about me & went there own ways. I would love to have someone to go to dinner or a movie when hubby is away at work. Have a Peaceful New Year...Love & hugs, Connie
happy days are so good. i felt so so very guilty when i had happy days, but i dont anymore. jessy is happy i know that, so i am also going to be happy. jessy is not something \"of the past\" who thinks i am carrying on that she will be sad if i am happy. no. jessy is just in a different place and she is STILL one of my children!! khaely is at a remedial school, she is 11 and bipolar, jarod is 9 and also showing early signs of bipolar. tali is 5, thank G-d is bright and happy and seems well adapted. and JESSY is my 12 year old precious daughter who is in a special place, and i talk about her openly because she is still PRESENT in our universe, so i want to be happy and have fun. and i think thats okay for us. lots of luv, jan (ps: i was going to write a journal entry about just this topic, if im not too tired later, i will. otherwise tomorrow).
IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 15 YEARS SINCE I LOST MY 18-YEAROLD SON IN AN ACCIDENT. SOMEONE TOLD ME THE FIRST YEAR WAS THE HARDEST. HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER BUT IT WILL GET EASIER. I CAN SAY THAT IS TRUE. MY FAITH IN GOD HAS SUSTAINED ME EVERY DAY. I WAKE UP JUST ABOUT EVERY MORNING DEPRESSED AND I DO NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING. I THINK I LOVED MY SON TOO MUCH. I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD-BECKY AND TWO WONDERFUL GRANDCHILDREN. BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN THE GRANFATHER I CAN BE BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO GET TOO CLOSE TO THEM AND LOVE THEM TOO MUCH. HOPE THIS ENCOURAGES YOU. I CAN REMEMBER EVERY YEAR ON THE ANNIVERSERY OF HIS DEATH I WOULD ALWAYS VISIT HIS GRAVE AND PUT NEW FLOWERS. NOW, I DO NOT THINK I HAVE BEEN BACK FOR MANY YEARS.
I\'m glad you had a not so terrible day. Please don\'t feel guilty when you have an OK day. At first I did and it\'s not supposed to be that way. We are supposed to be happy again and live again. Our boys want that for us. It really does feel good to smile and laugh so do it whenever possible. Enjoy your time with your old school friend. Happy new year friend. Love Robin
Never. ever feel guility for feeling decent! That is just plain silly. You should enjoy every minute possible. I am sure Scott would be the first to tell you were he around to,Love Peggy
I think grief makes totally nuts. As Karen said we have to allow ourselves to have good days without guilt. I believe as I said in my journal that our kids want us to live and I mean LIVE in capital letters. Decent days are what makes the sh---y ones bearable. I love stew it\'s my favorite and I enjoy the fact they are never the same. Have a wonderful dinner and get caught up. Love and hugs Cathy