Benzos Are Bad

It has been a whole week since I have posted a journal entry, participated in a support group, or done anything on DS or on the internet as a whole! It turns out that at some point after posting my very last journal entry a week ago I was having suicidal thoughts and intentions so I had my boyfriend take me to the hospital to check me in. I wanted to use the buspirone that was giving me chest pains to overdose. I made sure to give those pills to my boyfriend to hold for me.
So I checked into the hospital around 5 minutes before midnight on July 24th 2011. 5 minutes later, still suicidal and going crazy in my own mind, my boyfriend and the resident checking me into the ER wished me a happy birthday. July 25th, I turned 24. I slept in the ER on and off, they sent my boyfriend home somewhere around 4am, then they brought me to the Crisis Clinic where they held me for god knows how many hours until a room opened up upstairs in the psychiatric ward. Yep, I was getting checked into the loony bin.
They took me off Clonazepam and put me on another benzo, I can't remember which for the life of me. However my symptoms continued. As long as the drug was in effect I was fine, whenever the drug wore off however I became very depressed and wanted to hurt myself. This continued for 3-4 days into my stay at the psychiatric ward before they put me back in buspirone again (last time was 15mg twice a day, this time 10mg three times a day). They made the benzo optional when they switched me to buspirone and I immediately decided not to take any at all and see how I do. with just the buspirone. I did not experience any of the severe side effects I experienced on the buspirone, thankfully, and since I had stopped taking the benzos my depression symptoms almost completely disappeared!
So I was still taking the divalproex this whole time, at some point they increased the dosage on that to 1500mg at night (3 pills instead of 2 every night) but I don't remember when. They also put me on another drug called Risperidone, which is apparently an anti-psychotic that was supposed to help reduce my anxiety and paranoia. As far as I can tell even to today I have had no bad side effects and I have been fairly stable. On Friday I was essentially ready to get the hell out of there but by that time it was a bit too late, and they almost never do discharges over the weekend.
So over a grueling and horribly boring weekend I was stuck at the psychiatric ward. After the symptoms of the benzos had been lifted off of me it seemed like a thick fog had lifted from my head and suddently the psychiatric ward went from boring to utterly purposeless. At least before I wasn't functional! The worst part of it all was the terribly bland hospital food I had to eat every day. Blegh!!! gross!!
My Mom had given me a trilogy to read while I was stuck at the psych ward. I remember trying to read it even when I was in a good state during the first three or four days of my stay. I think I read about the first 1/3rd of the first of the three books during that time and now looking back I can't remember any of what happened during that part. I remember struggling to read and just nothing making any sense what so ever. It was really tough! Once I got the meds worked out though suddenly I was powering through the books and by the time I got discharged today I was halfway through the last book.
I spent all morning today anxiously trying to get the staff to discharge me faster (it didn't work, just probably annoyed them) until I finally got discharged at around 1pm. My boyfriend picked me up and I asked him to take me straight to the first restaurant we could find. We went to an IHOP and I are SO MUCH DAMN FOOD and it was SOOOOOO FREAKIN DELICIOUS!!!!!! Holy crap hospital food is nasty! My boyfriend paid for the meal (he is so wonderful) and I splurged on a philly cheese steak sub with an extra side of fries, then I helped my boyfriend finish half of his meal, he had one of the country fried steaks with eggs, hashbrowns, and pancakes. I probably had about a third of his country fried steak and all of his hashbrowns.
It was amazingly delicious.
After that, I essentially went into a food coma. I think I ended up falling asleep in my boyfriends arms after we got to his place. (insert dreamy sigh here) Then after around 2 hours I had to drive myself home still sleepy.
Is it just me or did I kinda partially forget how to drive? I couldn't tell if I was just sleepy or if being in the hospital and not going ANYWHERE for a whole week did that to me. I'm also noticing it here, I'm finding it slightly harder to type stuff out.
Anyway, my Mom just got home and she just gave me my belated birthday presents that she was intending on giving me a week ago. Yay!