Believe it or not...
Believe it or not I am REALLY REALLY sick of complaining. I almost hate to post on the daily threads because it feels like all I ever do is complain. But every day it seems like there is something else wrong, or something old that is still causing issues. I wish I could just look on the bright side and be happy or at least positive but its just not there.
I used to be a very optimistic person, always had uplifting things to say and people said I was so positive and they wished they could be more like me. I don't know where it went but I know the pain took it away. If its not pain its fatigue, or doctors or insurance, or relationship issues with me and bf and/or his kids.... always something.
When did I become this person? Will I ever get ME back? I can't imagine living my life as this new, negative, depressed, irritable, cranky person. I don't want to be like this but I can't seem to help it. I have an image in my mind of the person I want to be, the person I used to be or at least who I thought I was. I don't think other people ever saw me the way I wanted them to but that's a separate issue.
Maybe I need to get back into journal writing, creative writing to help me get to the root of it all. It won't make the pain go away but maybe I can get my optimism back. Its there, I can still come up with positive thoughts but I don't 'feel' it, its just empty words. One time I learned that we should 'act as if' or 'fake it till you make it', maybe that would work if I could muster up the energy and will power to do it. I dunno, I just wanna see sunshine and do something that makes me happy... not just lying around the house trying not to overdo it, which takes so very little to do.
I used to be a very optimistic person, always had uplifting things to say and people said I was so positive and they wished they could be more like me. I don't know where it went but I know the pain took it away. If its not pain its fatigue, or doctors or insurance, or relationship issues with me and bf and/or his kids.... always something.
When did I become this person? Will I ever get ME back? I can't imagine living my life as this new, negative, depressed, irritable, cranky person. I don't want to be like this but I can't seem to help it. I have an image in my mind of the person I want to be, the person I used to be or at least who I thought I was. I don't think other people ever saw me the way I wanted them to but that's a separate issue.
Maybe I need to get back into journal writing, creative writing to help me get to the root of it all. It won't make the pain go away but maybe I can get my optimism back. Its there, I can still come up with positive thoughts but I don't 'feel' it, its just empty words. One time I learned that we should 'act as if' or 'fake it till you make it', maybe that would work if I could muster up the energy and will power to do it. I dunno, I just wanna see sunshine and do something that makes me happy... not just lying around the house trying not to overdo it, which takes so very little to do.
Replies
Oh, honey...I hear you! I\'m not even close to the person I was a year ago. I guess we have to try and adjust how we view our limitations and spend some time nurturing US.
Don\'t worry about complaining...
xoxo
I hear you, too. My boyfriend tells me I\'m a different person when I\'m in pain (often). Maybe cherrychanga\'s right. It\'s not easy to accept limitations, but we can be extra nice to ourselves. Hugs!
Lisa,
I have to say that I appreciate your honesty. Deep down we all feel this way, for some it just lasts longer.
I try to go out of my comfort zone at times to either let others in my space, or just let them know I care. I may help them, but I also help myself.
Thanks for sharing your heart.
David.
Thanks for your comments. I\'m about in tears tonight I\'m just feeling so \'off\'. I\'ve been talking to my bf about it, he goes through the same thing with chronic fatigue but he seems to always deal with it better. I haven\'t been sleeping well so that accounts for some of my moodiness. Hope I wake up feeling better tomorrow.
Lisa I feel like you just copied and pasted my journal, lol. J/k I seriously feel the same way. I posted something similar the other day. I used to have a permanent smile. It\'s gone I rarely laugh at what most people crack up over. I wish I had the answer for you.
I take prozac daily for the depression. I don\'t want to sound like I\'m on a pity pot. But nobody else is gonna take care of me but me. It\'s scarey and lonely.
I\'d like to encourage you to write & journal daily it will help you. I\'m here for you if you ever want to talk.
Healing hugs, Marci
I know what you mean about not wanting to keep posting a daily report of how much CP stinks on a personal and detailed basis. I hope writing works for you. I am thinking about making a mess with some clay. I\'m going to try very hard not to let the thought of cleaning up after stop me once again.
Hugs, Barbara
Lisa as soon as you start to feel as though you\'re coming through the fog, you will begin to behave and feel differently. You being in pain has been going on for such a long time, not sure you\'re remembering anything else. What you deal with can make you cranky. Cut yourself some slack. Nothing stays the same. I am sure this feeling will pass, just as soon as you turn a corner. Feel better soon. I\'m here if you feel like talking.
I do think journaling will help you. Also any quiet time you can get for reading or meditation and both.
For 7 years I could not write or hold a book to read with out severe fatique and typing was the same.
I have just been able to start writing again and I believe it is helping me. I also am reading when I first get up... and meditating (praying for me as I am a Christian).
I am doing better since I started this.
Before I couldn\'t even really keep my mind still enough to even pray as the pain took over.
So any time you can.... take it to meditate or journal and see if that helps.
I am thinking of you in this and will help you if needed.
And also what Booky said was right on.
Thanks for sharing what I often feel. I\'m new to this, but I want to offer an ear to you. My disabilities are permanent. Hope is hard to come by. You and the others in this group are literally lifesavers.
Heatherhurts