Being Under vs. Living on the Surface
Dark and Light:
Each time I survive a bout of the deepest most debilitating grief, I look back on it as having gone under, like underwater, to the bottom of the ocean... to the Mariana Trench where everything is crazy and dark and different. Our usual senses don't work 'down there'. When I am 'under', all I can feel is the sense of being cut off, the lack of oxygen, the absence of sound and light, the cold vastness around me. I feel like the noises I make and the words I write are just little bubbles going up to the glossy line between under and above. People seem to send messages back to me and I start to respond... but if I don't send messages up, and tell you where I am, I sink deeper and deeper.
Somehow with one thing and another, all the little things of life, plus YOU, plus my dogs and house, family and friends and work, I find my way back to the surface where I can see and breathe and make small talk and take pleasure even, in the little things floating by on the water's surface. When I'm under, those things are unthinkably surficial and unimportant. Can't relate. Don't care. When I'm back above, I see all these little things: sandwiches, trees, barns, and everything seems precious and amazing. Things of This Life. My Life.
How can it be so different -- from one day to the next!? It's hard to explain but oh good, I don't have to. You know.
Interesting: I wrote a couple of those lines with "We" and "You" as the subjects and then edited and changed them to "I" because of the Sacred Art of Listening Book I'm reading. She says to speak only for yourself... and in doing so you hold and appreciate the emotional weight of the words. It really does make a difference!
There are so many enlightening moments that come with sorrow. En-light-ening.... of course! Naturally it feels best AFTER the worst of the sorrow has lifted. Next time it would really nice, haha, if I could say to myself as I go down down down: "You will return to the light. You will have a deeper understanding of grief. You will have more to offer the world another day. Just let yourself feel the dark depths and know that love surrounds you, wherever you are. If you feel closer to Andy in a dark place now and then, it's ok. Let it be. He knew the darkness too." Note to self!
Each time I survive a bout of the deepest most debilitating grief, I look back on it as having gone under, like underwater, to the bottom of the ocean... to the Mariana Trench where everything is crazy and dark and different. Our usual senses don't work 'down there'. When I am 'under', all I can feel is the sense of being cut off, the lack of oxygen, the absence of sound and light, the cold vastness around me. I feel like the noises I make and the words I write are just little bubbles going up to the glossy line between under and above. People seem to send messages back to me and I start to respond... but if I don't send messages up, and tell you where I am, I sink deeper and deeper.
Somehow with one thing and another, all the little things of life, plus YOU, plus my dogs and house, family and friends and work, I find my way back to the surface where I can see and breathe and make small talk and take pleasure even, in the little things floating by on the water's surface. When I'm under, those things are unthinkably surficial and unimportant. Can't relate. Don't care. When I'm back above, I see all these little things: sandwiches, trees, barns, and everything seems precious and amazing. Things of This Life. My Life.
How can it be so different -- from one day to the next!? It's hard to explain but oh good, I don't have to. You know.
Interesting: I wrote a couple of those lines with "We" and "You" as the subjects and then edited and changed them to "I" because of the Sacred Art of Listening Book I'm reading. She says to speak only for yourself... and in doing so you hold and appreciate the emotional weight of the words. It really does make a difference!
There are so many enlightening moments that come with sorrow. En-light-ening.... of course! Naturally it feels best AFTER the worst of the sorrow has lifted. Next time it would really nice, haha, if I could say to myself as I go down down down: "You will return to the light. You will have a deeper understanding of grief. You will have more to offer the world another day. Just let yourself feel the dark depths and know that love surrounds you, wherever you are. If you feel closer to Andy in a dark place now and then, it's ok. Let it be. He knew the darkness too." Note to self!
Replies
Very moving Sarah....I knew exactly what you were saying and feeling...it is an amazing process....wishing you the light...and sending love.....
Oh, the weight of your journal surrounds me. I have explored the depths but never how you have described it. Thank you for sharing. It is best AFTER the worst of the sorry has lifted. Powerful. Love and hugs, Danette
Dearest Sarah,
So eloquent as usual and painting with the brush of sorrow for all to see just how deep it can go from day to day. I\'m wishing for you - more time in the \"light\" with ANDY! From my heart to yours - Suzzanne
Sometimes I believe I am a bottom feeder and almost receive as many nutrients \'down there\' yet like a moth I\'m attracted to the light. I treasure your words and insights and what jumped out at me is this: \"but if I don\'t send messages up, and tell you where I am, I sink deeper and deeper.\" This is actually such a profound learning here on FMO that even when we are in our depths we need to allow others the grace to know where those bubbles may be coming from that they notice on the surface, in the light. Loving you in the light as well as in the darkness, Sarah. Love, light, darkness and everything in-between. XO Joanie
Sarah I love how you think...you explore the meanings, feelings and emotions that you are experience...and when you write it is beautiful. Thank you for sharing how you see things...it helps me and somehow brings me peace...love to you...Karen
So true Sarah, this is the one place where I don\'t have to explain. All our sisters know and that helps me to breathe. The weight of grief and the burden of trying to explain it to people who don\'t understand and I hope never will can be so heavy. Its is such a profound experience this walk and there are times when I must go into the depths of grief to be with Ed and at those times I too care about little else but my longing. And then miraculously and because of love I begin to emerge. But as you said while in the depths I must speak of my need to my sisters here and they reach down and pull me up. And for that I am eternally grateful. You have articulated my experience so well. Thank you. Much love to you and Andy, Linda
Hello Sarah, I feel sort of speechless after I read your journal. You express everything so well. Thank you Sarah. I know what you meant. It is the opposite of the upHigh sort of. The only way I could explain how shattered I felt about Tamzin, was that I had an unwanted numbness all around my feelings- most unfamiliar to me..because I couldnt feel anything when I looked at my younger son. I felt like I was looking at him through a thick wall - deeply damaged heart I guess. I wanted it to fall away naturally so it would truly be gone from in front of me. I think it is maybe to do with the word disassociative. Just my spirit trying to recover so I could survive - to continue & then bring up my second son... It faded a bit over the years after Tamzin died but I stll feel a slight presence of that wall. It is unwelcome but it isnt always dominant at least. I don\'t believe it at least... it isnt a wanted feeling. It\'s a bit different in some ways from your description of feeling deep under but it is also from intense grief. I am so glad you are surviving and writing for us all. Thank you Sarah. xxxx
So interesting, will have to re-read, and again. So deep. yes, it\'s very different talking through the I. I hate how much I do it, but it\'s true, that is the weight of the ego, the person. I\'m glad we\'re friends and can understand one another. Truly a new experience. love ya, abby
Maybe we need both, that dark stillness where nothing gets through that enables us to see more clearly when we do eventually peep out? Although we would rather not have either experience if they go hand in hand. In any case, I love what you wrote - being under in that deep, dark place describes it all perfectly. Thank you ~ Joanna
What a thoughtful journal. I too, as I am certain all of us, have been in that deep dark place. I too have times of being under and then surface again.
As for \'I\' statements, I taught communication and reminded people to say I rather than you. I still remind people that it is the best way to communicate.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
This is a very moving and thought provoking entry...one to be read and reread many times. Much to digest, much to meditate on. Like Joanie I grabbed onto the need to let other know where I am as I sink closer to the bottom. That\'s the single greatest gift this site gives....the freedom to say I\'m on the bottom and the gift of others shining their lights, guiding us back to the surface. We will always return to the LIGHT, for it is the LIGHT which made us. Love you and thank you for writing this!!!!
\"no me, no list\" ~ Sarah
Pay you first \'Rah. Theses moments \"down there\" ... \"under\" ... pay yourself first before you pay others. It will buoy you UP when you are ready, to then embrace the rest of your list.
I love you.
Sarah, once again I am in awe of your expressing your feelings..The freedom to share our feeling with each other is a blessing. Thank you for sharing. Love to you, Pat
Amazing, articulate, brilliant journal ~ thank you!!!
Love and big watery hugs ~ Debbie
You are growing and growing, Sarah, and I think Andy is helping you do that. Grief is a fickle emotion, one who comes at will....and devastates, but also cannot last if you do not fight it. Once you learn that key, then you WILL be able to say when you\'re going under, \"I KNOW I will come up again, I am sure of it. Grief cannot stay with me because I am not fighting it. I\'m so proud of you.
Becky