Being thankful

All of the times that I tried to believe in the unbelievable, even knowing the foolishness of it all, all of the harsh words back and forth, shooting for the dream, the one chance in a million that something real is at the core or that the small seed would grow and flourish into more. In the end, it all came down to a very small moment of time and just five little words that you responded with when I asked where you were. Suddenly that one proof made all the rest way too real. In that moment, my heart that had never wanted to accept what this mind knew all along, caught up with the reality. Still for whatever illogical reasons the emotions give, I still long to not have to let it go, to let you go. I find here in some of the saddest days of my life that all I really want to know is why. Why all the lies when it could have just been something real? Maybe I will never understand this or be able to get this answer. I have been through much in life, trying not to let myself become bitter, resentful or to let my trust in people die. I have found that you recover from physical violence, the complete craziness of abuse. In those cases, you realize the sickness of the person and the entirety of their wrongness toward you. In the case of manipulation of emotion, it is much harder to resolve what exactly has happened in your mind and heart. Is this person I loved just a bad person? Did he just not care at all the entire time? Is he so confused and lost that he just doesn’t have a clue? Perhaps, a compulsive liar that is just out of control? Maybe a user of others who is just trying to get ahead at any costs? I suppose the answers do not really matter in the end. You will go on and eventually learn to smile and laugh a little more with each passing day. The scents will slowly diminish in your home. The little mementos of your time together start to get lost along the way. Every song you hear and place you go stops reminding you of the good and bad times. Alhamdulillah, you have faith, family and friends…. So many things to be thankful for in this life.