Being ok with choices
It’s wild guys, I found myself aware of my own desires more so lately and yet then having the need to filter myself because I felt like my desires were not what I wanted it or myself to be if that makes sense? For some amazing grace I knew that. I’m seeing the theme in society as well. Men like Donald Trump go for what they want at the expense of others with no sense of responsibility or conscience. I know we all have to go for what we want, that we all want to go for what we want but then we need to filter. 'How are we going to go for what that is?' So I’m learning about that within me. I know I want certain things and I know I struggle with my base desires at times. Then when I’m with friends like S, I realized I needed to give myself a context to speak truth to all that, for myself and the relationship with her, to speak and to be considerate in a way that I felt OK about. I knew I was not the base desire that presented itself to me. Does that make sense? She showed me that I am loved by a person who has been a lifelong friend and is not a family member. She showed me she wanted to support my life, and that I have intrinsic value. My therapist has shown me that too. I just I’m starting to know what I want and the roadblocks I have put up for myself when dealing with the complexities of desire. Yet I see now I just have to be ok with my ethics. I am very happy with myself, and I am proud of myself in life And the way I’ve handled myself. I’m hoping I will be stable enough to go for what I want now. I suppose there’s always a bit of nerves when first going about that.
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I just get lost in this navel gazing. I get drawn down into these thoughts. Perhaps the structure and routine at the monastery keep me constantly keeping my illness in check. Here at my folks’ home I don’t have as much purpose.
So now it’s like I am discovering new things about myself. It’s like I am becoming selfish or authentic
But in truth so as not to get lost or reinvent the wheels of my mind, I have to keep aware of validating myself
And keep aware that I get drawn into these types of thoughts while keeping a context
so that’s a healthy positive social realistic perspective
Big hug sweetie...I'm glad that you're spending time with people that you care for
You mentioned Trump...He's incapable of feeling empathy or caring at all for anyone but himself Marky and that is so opposite to who you are
You are always caring and supportive of others
I'm so happy to read that you're feelung happy and proud of yourself
This is a very uplifting journal!!
Big hug...xo
Thanks Janet!
"the complexities of desire. . ."
methinks i will be chewing on that one all day.
in this, i might be more akin to trump than you, patéras akrída. going for what i want is far more natural to me than worrying about the desires of chumps whose minds/hearts i cannot read. to this day, with therapy, etc., i've developed far more skill at getting people to speak their desires than i have with pretending i can make all their dreams come true or understand the motives behind their desires.
personally, i am happy dancing for your growth in awareness of your personal desires. way to do that do, my darling you.
side note
acknowledging similarities in our personalities doesn't mean i like trump. i can't believe that the u.s.a. elected a game show host for president. i reckon we'll be electing a rock star next. taylor momsen for president?
sigh. . . que cosas! ! !
Thanks Arfie! Merry Christmas!!