being normal feels so confusing
So I went to dinner with DH, MIL, and mom tonight. It was really nice and cheerful. So normal. We never mentioned the mc once. It was on my mind of course.... Tonight was really good. It felt almost like my real life, like before everything went horrible... but it wasn't quite...
It was like I could pretend nothing had happened. But then on the other hand, I'd be asking myself how I can be enjoying myself? How can I "forget" to suffer long enough to sing along to a song for a moment...
I know I need more times like these and they will come, but I also feel like I'm resisting the influence. Like I have to scold myself for them. Like I don't want to "move on".
I'm also afraid of the next down turn on this rollercoaster. If I feel "too good", then I will crash. And the better I feel, the worse the crash?
It was like I could pretend nothing had happened. But then on the other hand, I'd be asking myself how I can be enjoying myself? How can I "forget" to suffer long enough to sing along to a song for a moment...
I know I need more times like these and they will come, but I also feel like I'm resisting the influence. Like I have to scold myself for them. Like I don't want to "move on".
I'm also afraid of the next down turn on this rollercoaster. If I feel "too good", then I will crash. And the better I feel, the worse the crash?
Replies
I\'m really glad you had a nice dinner out. And I am very familiar with those confusing feelings of \"oh I\'m doing something normal....oh I\'m smiling as if nothing happened....\"
The best encouragement I can give you (because I didn\'t realize to give myself this guidance at the time) is to not judge yourself for the smiles or the tears. To know that it is resilient to have normal moments. And it is equally natural to have tears.
It doesn\'t mean you have forgotten or that you don\'t care or that you\'re pretending. It simply means you are having a normal moment.
In my own life am working very hard at just taking things at face value rather than judging and analyzing. Because it really only complicates matters for me when I do this. Sort of adds a layer of suffering.
I know that feeling too of not wanting to move on because I would feel like that means like I\'m moving away from my baby. But having gone through this type of loss three times....I am now getting the hang of knowing that having normal moments and gaining strength does not mean I am moving away from her.
Rather, I am living as she would want me to. And that it makes me no less close to her. In fact, sometimes it makes me feel closer because I am not completely clouded by emotion and grief at times and I feel she is working through me in positive ways.
I also share your feelings of fear re: the next downturn on the roller coaster. There is almost no bracing for it because you never know when it\'s going to come. Often it comes when we least expect it.
From my own experience, I don\'t know that the better I have felt...the worse the crash has felt........maybe a better way for me to phrase it is that the better I have felt the more surprised I have felt when a crash came. That I didn\'t see it coming and I thought I was \"past that phase\" and wouldn\'t feel \"that\" bad again.
But over time, the crashes come less and less frequently and the amount of time they last gets shorter and shorter.
Except for maybe anniversaries and due dates, etc......those are harder to pull through.
So there is a sort of rhythm to it in a way. And they still catch me off guard and lead me to panic that I\'m never going to feel better again.
In fact, one such crash just happened to me last week.
But history has shown me that I do come out of the crashes.
So I try to take comfort in that.
Thinking of you.
I appreciate the talk about the rollercoasters. In the last month I felt the worst that I have so far. I am now starting to feel that I am heading upwards/feeling better but am so scared to crash again.
Ugh. why does it have to hurt so much.
I am also feeling anxious for my due date which will be 2 months from tomorrow.