Being a widow for me means the following:
1) I come home to an empty house every night2) The TV is my nightly companion3) I have to deal with all the “heavy” chores myself4) I have to pay all the bills on 1/3 the income we used to have5) Living with the uncertianty of my future6) I am supposed to make important decisions, when I cannot decide if it is even worthwhile to get out of bed in the morning. 7) I have not notified all the credit cards held jointly that the accounts should be in my name only because I am afraid they will close the account.8) Feeling homeless every Shabbat (Sabbath) – going out to other people’s homes for meals so I should not eat alone9) Taking an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety pill every night in order to be functional and to be able to do my job10) Going to see a therapist every week – something I have never had to do before in my life!11) Going to see a psychiatrist once every 3 months – just so I can get the meds that help me function12) Losing not only my husband but also his family – whom I had never had any problems with before13) Having to field inquiries from extended family members about legal issues that are not their business, and having to endure their anger at me when I explain that my lawyer has asked me to refrain from discussing these issues.14) Having to be single again, and because I do not want to remain single, I now have to re-enter the world of dating and shidduchim. 15) Having to endure the anguish of worrying if I am pretty enough, smart enough, cute enough, attractive enough, to attract a nice, normal man – and to do so amongst all the competition out there. 16) Not having a sex life17) Being lonely -- Alone isn't so bad - I've been alone for a good part of my life. But the loneliness is extremely painful most of the time.18) I am angry at Hashem (G-d) and feel guilty about it. 19) I keep seeing a replay of Barry’s accident (I did not see it – this is only how I am imagining it). I envision him lying there, initially in pain, then confused, I picture the brain swelling, the blood, him lying there. This imagined view of mine is on constant replay, in my head. I cannot turn it off, I cannot find the off switch.
Replies
I see from your list that you have pretty well covered what most us are going through, so at least you know you\'re normal! I am struggling to get a job and really scared of what could happen to me if I am not able to find one soon, so I can relate your worries about an uncertain future. Also my husband\'s family dropped out of sight; not that we were all that close anyway, but it still hurts. As for anger with our Creator, I think that is also normal when you are a person of faith - that letdown you have when you are told that it is your faith that is supposed to hold you up and make everyting ok. I think God knows and understands us, and loves us even through times like this where we don\'t understand. I am not Jewish, but am curious about your Shabbat dinner. If you had a group of other single people could you all get together and take turns at each other\'s homes, or do you have to attach yourself to a family? As for reliving your husband\'s death, I think we all do that too, to some extent. I try very hard to focus on happy times instead. It is normal to wonder if we could have done more, or done it differently, etc. and feel a lot of guilt, but we really did do the best we could at the time with the knowledge we had. Our loved ones know that, they know we love them, and we know they love us. Hope you feel better today.
Laura,
The idea of the group of singles is a nice one. Unfortunately, where I live, there are altogether too few of us. In the religious Jewish community, older singles are an anomaly. Most of us get married young and stay married. While the divorce rate amongst religius Jews has definitely risen, we are still far lower than the norm in this country. Most singles who are single never marrieds, tend to live in places like the Upper West Side of NYC. Teaneck, where I live is definitely NOT an enclave of older divorced or widowed religious Jewish singles. So, while the idea has merit, it is unfortunately not realistic. But thanks for the suggestion.
Your list sounds like the one that\'s been running through my head these past months.....and, being a widow means talking to myself instead of having a real conversation with Russ (talking to my cat doesn\'t count....he only meows). I get mad at God for taking Russ away from me, but I thank him for taking him away from the pain he went through from the cancer that claimed his life.
I hope you have a good week and peaceful days.....take care, Judy
Hi Laura, I think you have covered every feeling, thought, issue and problem that most of us have had.I am sorry that you/we are going through all of this. My prayers are with you to feel better and hopefully things will start to work out.Christine
Your list applied to all of us once the finality of loss hits us. I look forward to being able to have a solution to each of emotions on you list. Sharon