Being a widow for me means the following:

1)     I come home to an empty house every night2)     The TV is my nightly companion3)     I have to deal with all the “heavy” chores myself4)     I have to pay all the bills on 1/3 the income we used to have5)     Living with the uncertianty of my future6)     I am supposed to make important decisions, when I cannot decide if it is even worthwhile to get out of bed in the morning. 7)     I have not notified all the credit cards held jointly that the accounts should be in my name only because I am afraid they will close the account.8)     Feeling homeless every Shabbat (Sabbath) – going out to other people’s homes for meals so I should not eat alone9)     Taking an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety pill every night in order to be functional and to be able to do my job10) Going to see a therapist every week – something I have never had to do before in my life!11) Going to see a psychiatrist once every 3 months – just so I can get the meds that help me function12) Losing not only my husband but also his family – whom I had never had any problems with before13) Having to field inquiries from extended family members about legal issues that are not their business, and having to endure their anger at me when I explain that my lawyer has asked me to refrain from discussing these issues.14) Having to be single again, and because I do not want to remain single, I now have to re-enter the world of dating and shidduchim. 15) Having to endure the anguish of worrying if I am pretty enough, smart enough, cute enough, attractive enough, to attract a nice, normal man – and to do so amongst all the competition out there. 16) Not having a sex life17) Being lonely -- Alone isn't so bad - I've been alone for a good part of my life. But the loneliness is extremely painful most of the time.18)  I am angry at Hashem (G-d) and feel guilty about it. 19)  I keep seeing a replay of Barry’s accident (I did not see it – this is only how I am imagining it). I envision him lying there, initially in pain, then confused, I picture the brain swelling, the blood, him lying there. This imagined view of mine is on constant replay, in my head. I cannot turn it off, I cannot find the off switch.