Behaviors
I am so incredibly angry at this moment. It's partly my own fault. I keep engaging in unhealthy behaviors even though I know they aren't good for me. I was recently dumped by a person who wasn't good for me anyway. I know that logically in my brain but I can't emotionally get over him even though I can tell myself that we don't belong together.
The problem is that I don't believe that. I think that if we had been given the proper chance that things would have worked out differently. Because of my own insecurities I got attached too easily and when I get attached I latch on and I dig my claws in and I hold on for dear life.
I smothered this kid to death by my inability to trust that things were going well. They WERE going well. If I had been able to relax, and just let things happen organically than I really think that he would have come around in the end. Instead I pushed him right into the arms of another man.
Even though I was dumped a week ago now I still can't stop thinking about him. He blocked me on Facebook and twitter but I log into other accounts to check his posts and tweets. I'm so jealous of the things that he's saying about this new guy he started dating BEFORE he even broke up with me.
He never gave us a chance either. He had a long distance boyfriend at the same time as he had me. I wasn't even a real relationship to him. I was a secret office romance. It's just not fair. I don't understand why this happened to me. I don't understand why I couldn't have just been happy and content in my marriage.
I'm still married. I still care about my husband even though we've been estranged for some time and living apart for almost two months now. I just don't know how to get this boy out of my head and out of my heart. The truth is that I don't think I ever really loved him. I do care about him. I think it's the control that I can't get over. I lost control of the situation and I don't know how to gain it back.
I'm still spending too much time alone. I started going to a day program today but it's too soon to tell if it's going to help. I'm having a medication evaluation tomorrow. Everyone thinks I'm bi-polar and I should be on meds. I don't know if that's true or not. I really don't want to have to take medication because I feel like then it will be the meds and not me in control of the situation. I really wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was a real thing. I don't care about how past experiences can be learned from, how they shape us into who we are. Right now I'm just hurting and I wish that I could erase this boy from my memory altogether.
I know that it's not his fault that I have problem but I can't help feeling that if he would just be removed from my mind and my memory that I would be more able to deal with them.
The problem is that I don't believe that. I think that if we had been given the proper chance that things would have worked out differently. Because of my own insecurities I got attached too easily and when I get attached I latch on and I dig my claws in and I hold on for dear life.
I smothered this kid to death by my inability to trust that things were going well. They WERE going well. If I had been able to relax, and just let things happen organically than I really think that he would have come around in the end. Instead I pushed him right into the arms of another man.
Even though I was dumped a week ago now I still can't stop thinking about him. He blocked me on Facebook and twitter but I log into other accounts to check his posts and tweets. I'm so jealous of the things that he's saying about this new guy he started dating BEFORE he even broke up with me.
He never gave us a chance either. He had a long distance boyfriend at the same time as he had me. I wasn't even a real relationship to him. I was a secret office romance. It's just not fair. I don't understand why this happened to me. I don't understand why I couldn't have just been happy and content in my marriage.
I'm still married. I still care about my husband even though we've been estranged for some time and living apart for almost two months now. I just don't know how to get this boy out of my head and out of my heart. The truth is that I don't think I ever really loved him. I do care about him. I think it's the control that I can't get over. I lost control of the situation and I don't know how to gain it back.
I'm still spending too much time alone. I started going to a day program today but it's too soon to tell if it's going to help. I'm having a medication evaluation tomorrow. Everyone thinks I'm bi-polar and I should be on meds. I don't know if that's true or not. I really don't want to have to take medication because I feel like then it will be the meds and not me in control of the situation. I really wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was a real thing. I don't care about how past experiences can be learned from, how they shape us into who we are. Right now I'm just hurting and I wish that I could erase this boy from my memory altogether.
I know that it's not his fault that I have problem but I can't help feeling that if he would just be removed from my mind and my memory that I would be more able to deal with them.
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