Beginnings

Soooo...this morning I got a phone call from the Team Leader at Life Management who interviewed me last week. She told me she was working with Human Resources to try to get me more money but that she was extending a formal invitation to join the team. I was very excited, of course...I decided I needed to get dressed and go shopping..."Business Casual", hide the tattoos. I had already ordered a "sleeve" to cover my left forearm and figured the tattoos on my feet and ankles would be concealed by shoes.
So I went shopping. I had to start from scratch, I worked in uniforms the last 14 years. The only other clothes I owned were either too dressy or too casual. It was freakin' exhausting...but I found enough outfits to get me through the first week at least. When it came time to pick out shoes...uhmmm...no business casual shoes called out to me. I couldn't bring myself to buy ugly shoes...hoping I can get by with my heeled sandals, wedges...at least until it gets cold and I bring out my boots. So, not sure how my feet and ankle tattoos will be hidden. I bought maxi skirts and pants...maybe that will work.
Next Tuesday, my first day, will be 7 months since "it" happened...am I ready??? I'll only know when I try and I am going to try. My wish, all these months, was to one day be in a position to help people...the people who needed it the most. I tried very hard to save Cassi and I failed. Her disorder was stronger than me, it was a vicious beast...I didn't stand a chance, but I never gave up. One day after another I tried to keep her going...she reached a point she could not surpass. She lost her life...I lost my life, yet I still had to keep living. Early on I knew I would not run from the pain, there was nowhere to hide. I would go toe to toe with the beast. I never expected any of this to be easy. During the worst of times, when the beast was telling me it was too hard, give up, be with Cassi...I would see my sister's crying face telling me, "I can't lose you both." So I screamed, I cried, I clawed at my face for no reason...but I rode out the storm and the beast would retreat, build up strength and attack me later. I am certain I will fight this fight over and over again for the rest of my life. 
I hope I find people I can help...Cassi isn't here to give my life purpose anymore. I couldn't save my child's live, I hope I can save someone else's.