Begging for friendship and breaking inside
The man I dated for over a month moved too fast in our relaionship. He put a ring on my finger about a week ago. Then, for no real reason, he got angry and made comments like "Do you want to go sit alone in your house? You never ride your bike or walk with me. You've said you're going to the grocery store to get healthy food and you have never done it. I have yet to see you cook." All these words with F--k, S--t and other words in between. He cursed me! He also accused me of never wanting to spend time with him. We saw each other everyday! I told him to come and get his ring back. I went over to his house the next day and asked him if we could still be friends. I was crying and told him I needed a friend. He told me "No, because there was too much sexual tension, that he would want to go to bed with me. He said he had plenty of friends and didn't need another one and that he was moving on and going to find another woman. He asked me why I was so emotional. I've never been told by someone that they don't want to be my friend. I can't stop crying. I'm right back where I was before. I'm having horrible panic attacks. He lives right behind me. I feel so sad. I get scared and think "What if I finally go crazy? What if I run over there and beg him to be my friend and he calls the police and they come and restrain me? What if I have a complete nervous breakdown and wind up in the hospital?" All these "What if" thoughts. I've been told to go volunteer. I am getting back in church. Volunteering's great but I just don't know how to make friends. The realization that I'm all alone again makes me feel like I'm breaking up inside. Someone, please respond to my journal. I guess I've caused the lonliness on myself. I'm so alone and so afraid. He made me feel bad about my life. He asked if I want to go sit alone in my house! I'm ashamed enough about my life as it is. I'm hurting so bad. Oh, I wish my DS friends lived closer.